The “Adult” Clause
Posted by Deutlich on January 19th, 2010 | Filed under: UncategorizedSome of you know that I’m now 28 years old. Those of you who are similar in age have likely been through the same sort of dramz I’ve gone through because it appears to cling to people in their twenties, especially the push and pull dialogue between us and the parental units.
The thing is, our parents are often pretty good at making valid points. Something the majority of us didn’t even want to comprehend as teens. So it’s nice that we’re smarter and wiser and all that shit.
But that doesnt mean there aren’t ever any arguments. And what really boils my bubble in my particular situation is that I can clearly see when The Parent is just antagonizing a situation, instead of speaking civilly.
I imagine that the last 30ish years have steeled her to be more abrasive than necessary. But the thing is, I’m pretty much the only one left anymore. So picking fights with me is just asinine. And I hate, hate, hate it.
More importantly, how does one sit down and have a civil conversation with The Parent about how uncivil it is to just fly off the rocker? I get that I’m the “kid” in this situation but that doesn’t automatically equate to me being wrong too.
I’m no teenager. And to an extent I can see how it’s difficult for her to let go of that mentality. But for fuck’s sake, I wish she’d calm the hell down.
January 19th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Okay, so…while I totally agree with what you’re saying, ummm…
In my ripe old age of 30, I will say this: Parents are just people, too. And they fuck up, just like everyone else.
I know, not exactly what you wanted to hear.
Maybe you can have a conversation with her about it, but it will have to be an incredibly well thought-out situation, in which you have steeled yourself against letting her push your buttons. It’s tough with parents because the relationship is sooo complicated.
Good luck!
Oh no, I absolutely agree that parents are human too. But I find that it’s not enough to excuse the constant, unnecessary fighting. It’s stressful, unhealthy, and absolutely obnoxious.
January 19th, 2010 at 9:26 am
That is frustrating! What’s even worse is arguing with your grandparents! In addition to them seeing you as just a little child, there is also an even wider generational gap. Feels like you’re talking to a wall!
Exactly! It drives me bananas. Absolutely UP a wall.
January 19th, 2010 at 10:05 am
Wait – this had nothing to do with Santa. I thought there were going to be presents! Your title was misleading.
I did it just for you, Narm.
January 19th, 2010 at 10:14 am
I’ve found that living 1,000 miles away from my mother really helps in situations such as these.
I can simply end a phone call or never pick up the phone at all. She is a wonderful woman who loves me to bits and will always go to bat for me, but sometimes my mom just gets way out of line (sometimes knowingly, sometimes not so much) when voicing her thoughts and opinions. Over the years I’ve learned to pick my battles. I will let many things go because I know there’s no changing her at 62, but if something is really important to me, I will attempt to discuss it with her in the nicest, most rational way possible so as to get my point across while trying to ensure it won’t somehow get thrown in my face a few months down the line. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. If the relationship is worth it, you just have to keep trying.
Hmmm, that was quite the rambly comment.
..but I LIKE rambly comments. And also I agree – distance makes the heart grow fonder. This year, my main goal is to do exactly that. Put some distance between us.
January 19th, 2010 at 10:16 am
In my experience, parents don’t want to hear this stuff, even once everyone is grown up and supposedly friends. I have friends who have tried the civil conversation about the problem route and been totally stonewalled. This has happened to me too. I just don’t know what the solution is. I try to do the duck in a storm thing. So far it’s working out OK.
Perhaps that’s what I need to think more about doing too. Because I can’t imagine my mom wants to hear anything about anything either. . Not the way she’s been goin’ lately.
January 19th, 2010 at 11:14 am
My mom & I used to have a very contentious relationship when I was in high school (about school work & all); and even though that was thirteen years ago (you, by the way = young), it’s still sort of surprising to me how much nicer our relationship is now.
See, I can’t wait for the day I can feel that the relationship is nicer. I am pretty sure that I know what needs to happen for that and luckily I’m working on it. Working HARD on it.
January 19th, 2010 at 11:40 am
I really do agree that the constant fighting is obnoxious. I’ve also had it up to “here” with “Respect your elders!” How about if they respect me, too? Then we can have an awesome mutual respect thing and no one is just respecting out of obligation.
Omg, exactly. It’s like, I GET that you’re older than me. I do. But older doesn’t always = wiser and by golly let’s try to talk like adults? Please?
January 19th, 2010 at 11:46 am
this was my biggest issue with being home for the holidays. the time of my “limited doses” gets shorter every year. I know they hope and push for the best, but honestly? their best is not my best. if it was? i’d be concerned. VERY concerned.
oh gosh, I can definitely relate to that when it comes to my dad… sometimes I just can’t even understand what he’s saying or WHY he’s saying it. ::shakes head:: it’s just all so.. frustrating.
January 19th, 2010 at 12:14 pm
I’m just glad mine is 600 miles away.
I MISS being 300 miles away. College was so great and I… ugh.. totally didn’t value it as much as I could and should have.
January 19th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Moms are by nature difficult and crazy. The last time Mom and I got into an argument, it was about my split with the ex. I was hanging on to sanity by a thread, and our phone conversation consisted of her trashing him. I just told her I couldn’t listen to it, that if she needed to vent to call my sister and dump on the ex, because I had all the negative I could handle. She shut up.
The time before that, I was in my mid-twenties, and our fight resembled the knock down drag out screaming matches we had when I was thirteen. I composed myself, looked her dead in the eye and said:
I love you. Let me know when you’re ready to talk to me like an adult, because while I know I will always be “your baby”, I’m an adult now, and you raised me better than to take this shit from anyone, even you.
It worked, but it was like Russian Roulette. Since that day, when she gets riled up, I calmly remind her that we’re both grownups, and she gets pissy but she stops with the drama…
good luck and godspeed.
I’m really hoping that we can sit down and talk properly. At this point, she’s giving me the silent treatment. Totally mature.
January 19th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
all i’ve got is the distance one, too. my relationship with my mom is absolutely wonderful, now that we’re in different states. and i don’t mean that facetiously – we talk several times a week and i enjoy going home. it’s just definitely better when we have our own space and can do things our own ways.
i am totally going to put some distance between her and myself. asap. this is just getting old.
January 19th, 2010 at 2:20 pm
My impression is that my parents sort of push me back into that role of a teenager by how they treat me (I then react in a more immature way than I usually would). I hate it. And added to that, I have lived away from home over seven years now and I just do things my way, while my parents still expect me to do things their way. When I am not there we get along, but once I am back home, things get really stressful.
Dude, that is the WORST part. When I do remain calm and she just keeps going and going and going and all of a sudden I’m about as mature as a 9 year old. Ugh! Just ugh!
January 19th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
my parents have luckily gotten a lot better recently and a lot less of the ‘i’m the parent’ talks which are nice. i hope it stays that way.
When my dad does the “I’m the parent” thing, I basically do all I can to not laugh in his face. Buuut….. you may remember he’s got a bit of an addiction issue w/alcohol and so I guess that’s a whole different ballpark, eh?
January 19th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
Parents just don’t understand. Will Smith was/is a genius.
But seriously, yes: at this point in our lives, it’s a give-and-take thing. There has to be balance. My mom always used to joke that her house was “not a democracy.” Well, life is now definitely a democracy.
EXACTLY! Good god I wish I could word things as well as you.
January 19th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
My mother pulled out a “KRISTEN LYNNE!!!” on me a few weeks ago.
Yes she did.
I’m 35 1/2 years old and sometimes I still hear the first AND middle name.
I am literally sitting here slack jawed. Like, what?! But … I guess that’s just to say that moms will always, always be moms. Perhaps I’ll be more forgiving when (if?) I have my own little rug rats..
January 19th, 2010 at 7:24 pm
Constant fighting can’t be healthy. Arguing is necessary in all relationships (it’s partially how we work things out). But continuously bickering isn’t so good.
However, I will say this, it doesn’t matter how old you are – 15, 25, 32, 45 – your parent is going to stay just that, your parent. They will always see you as their kid and that will never change.
While our relationship evolves with our parents, we’ll always be their kids. It’s just a matter of properly communicating with each other.
I really hope we get to the point of properly communicating. Really, really hope so.
January 19th, 2010 at 7:26 pm
I hate it when my stepfather thinks he’s right when he isn’t. Mostly because he’s just as stubborn as I am. Jerk.
Come to think of it… I AM my mother’s daughter… *ahem*
January 20th, 2010 at 6:55 am
Parents will always stay parents in our presence, and we will always stay children in their presence (however old we get). It’s the role each one takes automatically.
I always experienced a lot of negative energy between me and my mom (however much I thought I’ve grown up, changed, and got over my own hostility and hatress towards her). The best way to deal with it was to limit the contact. And inviting her over instead of visiting. I am more relaxed then and it’s easier to keep a healthy distance- so I can smile instead of getting aggressive. Her nagging even gets less then. So maybe things CAN change.
January 20th, 2010 at 11:31 pm
A couple days ago, my mom just went off on the guy at the meat market, like screaming- making a huge fuss, and I don’t even know what the hell the argument was about.
Menopause.
I don’t even know how to deal with it.
January 23rd, 2010 at 10:51 pm
It’s weird, isn’t it.
Sometimes I want to tell my mum to stop being so negative, or stop overly criticising things when she could just take it easy and enjoy a moment…
Sometimes I want to tell her that it’s not always easy for me to ask her for help (not financially though) because she makes me feel guilty after when all I needed was a mother.
But I will hardly ever do that because no matter how old I get, I can’t get my head around the fact that parents aren’t perfect and so trying to tell them they’re not freaks me out!