Doubt
Posted by Deutlich on January 25th, 2010 | Filed under: UncategorizedToday, I awoke in a tizzy at o’ dark-thirty and haven’t yet been able to shake the feeling. It’s an unnerving ability of mine to work myself into this lovely array of crazy.
And it fucking sucks.
I’m trying to work towards my dream. I want to make my future brighter and financially stable and to do so requires further education. This, of course, requires money.
Therein lies the issue.
My credit is in shambles and I’ve deferred my previous student loans more often then I’ve paid money towards them.
I want this so badly I can almost taste it. When I sat in the office of admissions last Friday, I almost drooled over my paper work from the mere excitement. And then I went on a journey of hunting for scholarships. And then I ordered my transcripts. And THEN I went back through said transcripts to remind myself of how I did during undergrad.
Let me tell you, it. was. bad. It was so bad that I became embarrassed all over again and am carrying the shame like a wet blanket.
While there were many extenuating circumstances for my grades being so piss poor, least of which were my academic abilities, I just can’t help but feel … stupid.
I am scared to death that I am biting off more than I can chew and that I will do just as bad as I did before.
I’m afraid of failure.
And it is suffocating.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:00 pm
I know how you feel. Before I made the decision to transfer out of GW, I was feeling trapped and felt like I would NEVER graduate.
Just breathe. And take it step by step.
And believe that you can do it. Because if you don’t, you won’t ever take the steps necessary to grab that dream and make it real.
It took me a few days, but I final got to the “just breathe and take it all one step at a time”. Thank you, dear.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
I came over to your blog at the perfect time. Last week I decided to begin my graduate school application as the deadline is March 1st. I realized I don’t have the gpa for admission. I have to take some courses to bring my gpa up. I looked at my transcripts and thought the same thing you are thinking….I must be stupid. And although, I also had many crisis’ in college that explain why I did poorly, still….I feel very shameful.
The money part is another issue that adds to the shame. I too have defered my loans more months than I have paid on them. I realized I haven’t made a payment in over 2 years. I graduated in 2005.
And thanks to my crappy credit, I couldn’t get a loan to take some courses this semester. I have to “save.” That word doesn’t even exist in my dictionary and now I must learn to do just that.
But, I am still excited about going back to school. And what keeps me motivated is what lies on the other side: better career opportunities, more money, etc.
So let’s keep looking forward, I am sure we can take on this!
I didn’t even realize how much I needed (wanted?) to hear something like this. Thank you for dropping by & being so helpful. At the end of the day, it’ll work out if I make it work out. And I will. Dagnabbit!
January 25th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
What I think is so awesome is that you are moving forward despite being afraid of failure. I think a lot of people let that fear prevent them from even trying.
Ain’t that the truth!! And thank you, doll! Seriously.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Scared or not you’re getting the paperwork in order, going to the appointment and looking ahead and that in itself is commendable. Maybe this is your second chance.
I sure hope so.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
If this is something you really want to do, you will find a way to make it happen. And every single successful person in the world into has failed a million times before and will fail again many times. Keep pushing and know that I am pushing for you!
Gosh, you are so right about that. And I will. I will definitely, definitely keep pushing. Thank you for the kind words!
January 25th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
I so want to offer you advice and tell you to just breathe and everything will be okay.
But I can’t because…well, this sounds exactly like me. All I know is that if you’ve found the thing you really want to do, you have to force yourself to do it. No backup plans. Just do it.
Even though it’s scary as shit. I’m totally holding your metaphorical, figurative hand right now.
You CAN do it.
Likewise, darling! We both can do it. We WILL do it. Yessss.
January 25th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
If you really want it, you can do it. I don’t think anything or anyone can stop you.
Try to use the fear; use it as focus. Treat it like a neighborhood bully and take its power away.
Uhm. Yes. and Yes and Yes and Yes. I will. FUCK bullies.
January 25th, 2010 at 5:07 pm
I love your blog template and banner. Just beautiful! Thanks for commenting on my blog, interesting to know that other people are having similar challenges
Aww, thank you! And of course… I’m in the midst of a re-design. Because I’ve had it up for about a year now.. But thank you so much!
January 25th, 2010 at 5:20 pm
i’m thinking super amazing thoughts for you. i have high hopes of going back to school one day but those loans? they make me cry…often.
ugh. LOANS. WHY is it so expensive to a) be healthy and b) get a damn education!? This country is ass backwards.
January 25th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
if you don’t take a leap of faith, you will never know what happens. close your eyes and go for it…
I will. I really will.
January 25th, 2010 at 10:14 pm
Don’t let failure hold you back. Stay strong and move forward, and things will work out.
You’re right. Things always work out,e ven if it’s not “quite” to plan..
January 25th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
Don’t let it hold you back. If you can get in and no scholarship is possible, just start one class at a time. Its what I’m doing – taking some Cont. Ed. courses, taking a few certificates (doing two right now). It’ll be a slower process but you working on a future. That is what matters.
My undergrad was pretty average and I had to take a few make-up classes when I got into grad school. Well worth it – helped me get my head back in on it. And my marks… whoohoo! SO much better than undergrad.
Hey. Have I ever told you that I love you? Because I do. By a lot.
January 26th, 2010 at 8:42 pm
There are a million quotes out there about learning from failure and how it’s a necessary part of learning.
It’s true failure hurts. And I can completely identify with your fear as I have it myself. But like a lot of people will say: that shouldn’t stop you from trying. More than once if need be.
Life. The extreme-est of all sports.
I want a t-shirt that says that. Badly.
January 27th, 2010 at 11:17 am
Hmmm odd..I think my comment has vanished! (But maybe I’m just not seeing it)
Anyways, don’t be afraid. Just take what happened during your undergrad as motivation to do better in the near future. You are smart, you will make it!:)
Thank you, love. And yes.. I will DEFINITELY do better in the future.
January 27th, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Don’t be so hard on yourself! (Lame, typical advice, I know). But still. Consider your life experience. You’re probably having a nice edge, really. Goodluck!
Thank you dear. And I will definitely try to let up a bit. No need being my own worst enemy, eh?
February 19th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
I too am doing this, and I’m in my mid-40s, haven’t been in school in forever, and am scared stiff. But it’s either go back to school and try, or just exist and be unhappy. Returning to school is going to be bad for our credit, bank balance, etc., but I don’t see how I have a choice at this time in my life…
I wish you good luck, and hope it all works out for you!