I’m Not Ready
Posted by Deutlich on December 21st, 2009 | Filed under: UncategorizedI turn 28 on Saturday.
28!!
In 5 days.
I’m supposed to be jumping for joy and planning crazy celebratory drinkfests but I’ve barely been able to acknowledge the day, let alone make any plans for it.
It’s been a humbling year and I can’t see any reason to go balls-out about inching so close to 30. What the hell is wrong with turning 30 anyway?! I (thought I) was ready! I used to scoff at folks freaking out about their 30th. SCOFF!
But here I am. Two years away and already wigging out. Something about this age-range makes me feel so unready for everything. It’s like, all of the life lessons learned so far actually make sense, yet they don’t make me feel particularly “wiser.”
Ugh.
At this point I’m just ready for the new year, to wipe the slate clean and to move forward.
Speaking of, did I ever mention that Cris briefly popped back up in my life? You know — “HazelEyes?” (Side note: please somebody stab me if I ever decide to give people ridiculous fucking nicknames again.) For those who are uninitiated, he was the man I pined over for something like a decade. Given the fact that we are not together, you can probably surmise that dramatics ensued. And as much as I should run away — not walk — from anything to do with that man, I’m glad he re-appeared. Because I finally got the truth from his own mouth and then I legitimately let it all go.
Closure?
I like it.
Oh, and the woman responsible for the horrendous rumor mill that began in the 8th grade? The same rumor mill that led me to eat under school stairwells for three years, instead of the cafeteria, for fear of running into bullies? The same one that caused my pretty severe social anxiety?
Well, she sent me an apology through Facebook. The fact that I didn’t recognize the name as soon as I read it means that a) I’ve moved on and b) I’ve done it well. Moreover, the fact that she was apologizing, 15 years after the fact, means that it wasn’t just all in my head. That it wasn’t me just overreacting or being snively or weak. I’ve long ago forgiven her but I’ve always worried that the severity of the situation was more imaginary than real. And now I know.
I’ve yet to respond, since I just don’t know what to say. But the apology meant more to me than I thought it would. Even 15 years later.
These are two of the most noteworthy things to happen in my personal life this year. The rest? I just don’t care to get into.
I think I’ll continue to reflect on things quietly. Just the way I like it.
December 21st, 2009 at 10:01 am
Happy birthday! Mine is coming up soon too. I hate having birthdays during this time because everyone is busy with family or out of town.
December 21st, 2009 at 10:21 am
I’m happy the girl apologized. That’s something that’s better late than never. I can only imagine how the apology made you feel. It’s probably been on her mind for awhile.
And happy (early) birthday!!
December 21st, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I hear ya! I turn 28 today! It is not fun. It’s silly, but I think it’s just because I’m not where I thought I would be when I turned 28. It’s not like I’m in a bad place, but…there’s just something about 28 that says you are really a grown up now.
December 21st, 2009 at 3:40 pm
that’s awesome the girl apologized and i totally agree, even years later it would mean something to me too.
and happy early birthday. i say 28 will be kick ass.
December 21st, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Hey! Happy birthday early! Having that closure even down the rode totally makes the difference, I’ve been in a similar situation and it meant something.
December 21st, 2009 at 9:08 pm
i don’t want to be the one that says: but 30 will be worse… because i’m sure somebody who is 35 or 37 will tell me that i’ll be just fine.
so i’ll say: when i was about to turn 28, i was thinking the same thing. i was not ready, but then again, i was ready to leave 27 behind. it’ll be scary but embrace it. you’ll love it.
and happy (early) birthday.
December 22nd, 2009 at 2:59 am
I am SO reminded of the Billy Madison scene where he calls Steve Buscemi and apologizes for terrorizing him in high school, and Steve crosses him off his “to kill” list.
That bitch from 8th grade is a lvery smart woman.
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:01 am
That’s so funny, I was the same way, always wondering what the big deal about 30 was but I’m getting there soon too and … yeah, it’s weird.
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:32 am
28 is a great age! 30 is nothing, and I turned 34 this year w/o a second thought! The good thing about age is you start to understand yourself, and you mellow out, and become the you youre meant to be!
happy bday 5 days early!
December 22nd, 2009 at 9:37 am
28 years old. i remember the time….ha.
30 is the new 20 so actually you are only 18 years old. that’s one way of looking at it.
December 22nd, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Wow. I think those kinds of apologies always mean a lot. It gives hope in people.
My hubby is wigging out because he’s 28 next birthday. Must be that threshold where everyone suddenly realises they’ll turn 30 one day. I’m 2 years younger so I’ll let him break it in for me haha.
Happy birthday…
December 24th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Wow! I turn 28 on Sunday. Happy birthday to us! (I’m also planning on quiet reflection. And sex, of course).
December 26th, 2009 at 11:56 am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I hope you enjoy your day, however you’ll spend it . I stopped thinking about my age, makes me crazy (10 years ahead of you). Just living by the day, my own plans, projects, and self development. And next pay check
December 30th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Hi Deutlich,
Peace and have a wonderful New Year.
Thank you for commenting on my response @Necole Bitchie and visiting my blog! I have too many friends in that man’s predicament and I tell them the same thing — those who need not judge are usually the first ones to do so. Your blog is beautiful and thanks for the love
Roxi M.
January 3rd, 2010 at 6:24 am
We have the same luxury that comes with a birthday so close to the new year–no matter how we’re feeling about the year past & our approaching b-day, it’s so close to the new year that it makes us feel like we can start over with a clean slate & a new age–regardless of what that age is!
I hope you had a great 28th despite your anxiety & I want you to have a fantastic new year!
I look forward to reading more posts from you =]
January 6th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Happy—very belated—Birthday now, and WOW. I can’t believe someone would apologize like that. Amazing.