Reflection
Posted by Deutlich on August 10th, 2009 | Filed under: UncategorizedI’m really good at running. I evade tough situations with family by not calling them or visiting. Oddly enough, so does my family. I pretend my credit debt isn’t as bad as it is by not opening bills. I walk the other way when things get prickly with friends. I quit jobs when things get too tough. I spend money as if it’s a never ending commodity just for some “normalcy.”
You see, my inability to control my anxiety has taken over my life. I can go home from a perfectly executed work event and wonder if perhaps my boss is pissed because I left one of 150 folders at the office as opposed to bringing it to the event. This small thought will then snowball and all of a sudden I’m wide awake at 4 am and hating everything about life from my lack of sleep and thinking about the twenty million other things I’ve done wrong that week. I can be with a group of friends just shooting the breeze and two hours later I am on the brink of hyperventilating because I hope I didn’t come off like a snot rocket, or bossy, or bitchy, or just down right annoying.
Then there are the moments where I actually DO fuck up. Where I cross the line and everything feels awkward and uncomfortable for days, weeks and months. Because my ability to harp on things, even things that are just an issue in my own head, is exponentially amazing. Like those times I decided I really needed to pop pill x and pill y and ended up passing out.
In both cases I was having severe panic attacks. Neither time did I want to tell anyone. Consequently I “self-medicated” and truly ended up looking like a dickhead.
I mean, if the shoe fits. The shoe fuckin’ fits.
The worst part is that I don’t find enough space within my heart to be more empathetic towards others. Which of course leads me to further anxiety because if I’m not doing it then I can’t expect others to do it for me. And the vicious cycle begins all over again.
I’m too judgmental and I justify it by reminding myself that I do this as a way to protect myself. But that blows up too.
So, back when I up and left this blog to get dusty, all of my doubts had manifested themselves in a way that was crippling me. At the time, I decided that the best thing to do was drop this place like a hot potato. Because I’d been allowing it to cause me negativity instead of taking it for what it is. Part of this began when I started to show my face. Frankly, being a loud-mouthed asshole is pretty fucking easy when no one knows who you are.
What I’m trying to say is that I miss this place. My fears and frustrations haven’t ebbed just because I stopped blogging. But I’ve had one less avenue to express myself and I’m not exactly fond of this.
August 10th, 2009 at 7:17 am
I did a double-take when I saw you on my reader just now. I know what you mean about anxiety — I get an e-mail from my team lead that our boss saw I was on Twitter, and from there it’s, “OMG I’m going to get fired.”
That would send me into a complete tizzy.
August 10th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Hi miss. I’m glad you’re back on here. I can definitely understand that feeling of how life can just snowball out of control – with positive thoughts as well as negative. While I’m always an advocate of medication, especially after the year I just had, I’m a little leery of self-medication.
At any rate, it’s so easy to feel as though we’re losing control. My attitude lately has been to just say whatever happens, happens and I’ll deal with it the best I can.
So true. I’ll just deal with things the best I can as well. It would behoove me to get some help for this issue, but that costs all kinds of extra $$ I don’t have. So Fun.
August 10th, 2009 at 8:09 am
I KNEW IT.
Welcome back
Ha! And thank you!!
August 10th, 2009 at 8:12 am
I’m doing a funny little dance at the fact that you reblogged. The blogosphere has missed you. Hope you stick around and this place can again provide something positive and not turn negative.
It’s all about how I react to things, at the end of the day. So here’s hopin’ I learned a lil’ something over the past few months. Also – thank you.
August 10th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Does this mean you’re…back?
I had just started reading when you left. I wouldn’t be sad if you were back. Just in case you were wondering.
You’re sweet.
And I think perhaps yes. I’ll just take it one day at a time.
August 10th, 2009 at 8:20 am
We miss you too.
I think this should be the one place where it’s your sanctity…and you don’t let the negativity get to you.
Because we love you.
I think this should be the one place I don’t let things get to me too. Now… some things are easier said than done. But I’ma work on it for sure.
August 10th, 2009 at 8:42 am
yay! D is back!
And yes, negativity leads to negativity.
I’m thinking about looking into a Transcendental Meditation place near me. I’m hoping that might help me with some of my own stress and issues.
I’ll let you know if anything comes of it.
Please do. I have to put more effort into my own well-being, and less effort into everybody elses. And I hope that you’re doin’ all right. All this stress we put on ourselves is just fucking ridiculous.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:01 am
It’s pretty easy to turn anything to the negative. I find that I can get caught up in doubts especially when it comes to blogging. When you find the solution or the right pill, let me know, would you?
Oh, when I find the solution I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops. Although, I’m pretty sure it starts with seeking out some legitimate talk therapy. I tried making a few appointments way back when, but nobody got back to me — just the psychologists who then did nothing more than prescribe pills. Which frustrated me and then I just “quit” instead of chugging through and looking for someone else.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I definitely looked twice at my reader when I saw Speak On It pop up. And I’m the same way with my boss. I can execute a nearly perfect event, but if I forget a sign or something miniscule, it’s all he notices. Sigh.
Welcome back!
It finally got to a point where I broke down and told my boss about the anxiety. Things’ve been a whole lot better around here since then. But I still streesssssssssssssss the F out over the lamest things.
And thank you!
August 10th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Welcome back! So glad you’ve flipped on this decision.
Aw, well thank you!
August 10th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Im so glad that Im lazy and dont unsubscribe to anything… or else, I may have missed this post.
Dude. So am I!
Also – where the eff did yours go?!
August 10th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Welcome back!
I know what you mean about anxiety. When there’s so much in my head I feel like I have medicate (or mutilate) myself just to make it stop. What I need to do instead is just slow down, breathe, and spend about 5 minutes in silence.
I scar my face up really badly when I get too anxious. For a long while I thought it was just an obsession with picking zits.. but I’m not satisfied until I see blood and I’m thinking that may be indicative of it being a bigger issue than I want to give credit to. That and the total RUSH I get from doing it… So horrible. But so, so true.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:08 am
happy dance!!
you’re sweet
August 10th, 2009 at 10:17 am
It’s nice to see you! I’m sorry you’ve had such a shitty time lately – if it helps, I know what you’re talking about as I have SO been there, in terms of out of control life situations and anxiety. And it’s not pleasant. And sometimes you just have to say “fuck it!” about things and take a step back for a while.
Here’s to a future where we’re all anxiety free and debt free and happy!
I have a feeling that being debt free will be step 1 towards MUCH less anxiety in the future.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Instead, you will now be up til 4am drafting blog posts in your head.
Welcome back, lady.
Thanks, Jack. And I swear no 4am blog post thoughts! I swear!
August 10th, 2009 at 10:40 am
So…are you back for good? *please say yes, please say yes*
And, if you ever find a way to keep those small thoughts from snowballing, would you mind letting me know, please? I could sure use a hand.
I think for now that’s a yes.
And of COURSE I will share the wealth of information — if I ever find it myself.
August 10th, 2009 at 11:51 am
SO GLAD you’re back! And in honor of your return, Maxie and I have instituted Tiger Week. (Not really in your honor, I guess, but it happily coincides. And what better way to take your mind off of anxiety than to ponder the many reasons tigers are better than sharks?!)
P.S. This comment makes no sense if you haven’t read Maxie’s blog. Or mine. But mostly Maxie’s because she is WAYYY cooler than I am.
P.P.S. So it’s really not about me so I’d like to reiterate that I’m VERY glad to have you back
Tiger week is the jam-a-lam!
August 10th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
I’ve missed you.
I’ve missed you too.
August 10th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
I for one have missed you
Big hugs, welcome back, all that jazz!
Aw, thanks love!
August 10th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I totally saw this in my reader and was like “WTF?!”
Glad you’re back.
Thanks, jaime. I appreciate that.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
oh you have been so missed. welcome backish.
THANKS!!
August 10th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Ohh ma’am, I sure can relate to this post.
So happy to see you in my reader again!
Thanks darling. I do appreciate that. Sincerely.
August 10th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
To echo others, I was surprised, but very pleasantly so, to see you pop up in my reader. I thought maybe my reader was yankin’ my chain cuz sometimes it hiccups and shows me things I’ve already read.
I enjoy your voice in the blogosphere! Welcome back!
Well I’m glad that you’re glad.
August 10th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Dude, I can relate to so many of those feelings you’ve described. Thanks for expressing them. Makes people like me feel not so alone.
Or at least that’s been my personal experience (don’t mean to get preachy – everyone’s different).
Avoidance is a huge coping mechanism for those who suffer from anxiety. Unfortunately, it’s only exposure and facing things that make you feel scared that helps
I hope you’re back now? In your own time of course.
x
I think I’m back. At least I hope so. I just have to relax a little bit. Stop freaking out so bad. Although, that’s easier said than done.
August 10th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
OMG I was so excited to hear from you!!! I missed you! I got a new URL while you were gone!!
I LOVE your new spot on the webs! LOVE LOVE LOVE!
August 10th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
Just remember that you blog for YOU, not for anyone else. I know it can be hard to remember that sometimes, but if you need this blog as an outlet for your thoughts and your emotions, then let it be that! You can always turn off commenting if you don’t want to read how people will respond.
I still feel particularly strong about writing for me vs writing for an audience. If it was just for me? And not to somehow connect with a bunch of other folks? I’d write in my personal journal. With that said, thank you for your kind words.
August 10th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Hi,
glad you are back. I hope you’ll keep on sharing your thoughts and feelings in your blog.
And hello from another skin picker-
there are some good self-help resources on the net, http://www.stoppickingonme.com has been helpful for me. (you wouldn’t be able to tell seeing me right now though).
And I am having one of those anxiety weeks myself, not without reason this time, it really sucks.
Looking for a therapist myself at the moment, it’s tough, those covered by health insurance (in Germany) have long waiting lists or are crap, those not covered by health insurance want 100€ per session minimum.
I hate insurance. I hate insurance. I HATE INSURANCE. Well. Insurance companies. I swear, they’re out there to fuck us over and not to actually HELP. Argh.
August 11th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Umm self medication… I mean, damn welcome back girl. I miss you!!!
I miss you too, doll.
August 11th, 2009 at 9:48 am
well HELLO there!
glad to see your bloggy face. i hope the blog can work as an outlet, and not a contributor to The Stress…
Thanks, doll!
August 11th, 2009 at 11:11 am
I’m sad that’s why you left. It is way easier to hide behind the anonymity, but you did a bold thing and the honest truth is that you have kept a whole lot of readers, even during your hiatus. People may not always agree with you, but you’ll never please everyone. And those few you can’t please? Well I’m sure you didn’t want them around in the first place.
You make a very good point.
August 11th, 2009 at 11:12 am
I just crapped myself to be able to read this!
I think what’s important is definitely to take it one step at a time as I’m sure you’re fully aware, but also to not feel obligated. Remember, a blog is for you first, and the rest of us are just along for the ride.
Taking everything one step at a time is definitely a good idea.
August 12th, 2009 at 7:51 am
So glad to see you are back
I just checked here randomly as I had unsubscribed but resubscribing 
Aw, thanks!
August 12th, 2009 at 8:39 am
…and welcome back.
thanks
August 12th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Welcome back, I hope you find blogging the cathartic release that you are looking for
Me too
August 13th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
oh, man do i get the running thing. it’s so… incomplete, though (usually). we can run and run and sprint and run and it’s still there when we look behind us. i don’t know that there’s ever enough distance to cover to evade it. and if there is a place that far away, the truth is that it’s probably a place we don’t want to find ourselves.
you speak the truth.
August 13th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Missed immensely! Welcome back.
Thanks, love!!
August 14th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I was a lurker while you were blogging (annoying and lame, I know…). I loved your words, and I’m happy you’re writing again.
Thank you sweetie. I really appreciate that.
August 15th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
i’m glad you’re back and i hope that break suited you.. yes, ‘running away’.. that’s what i would credit my past blog deletions to be about as well.
sometimes we just have to do what we have to do, eh?
August 18th, 2009 at 8:35 am
Gosh this may sound random comming from the interweb but I wanted to share that meditating on a mantra before sleep and when I first wake up brings me peace…I can actually feel it flip the anxiety off and bring a sense of calm.
The mantra I was taught is “I am well, calm, and happy”. I also add other stuff like gratitude and humility but that is the base chant in my head. Because anxiety is just a skip in the record right? So I choose what plays on repeat in my brain. 15 minutes, changes the whole outlook.
So I’m 40 now and have so few events like the one you have just come out of, and no longer pick my face. All because I decide what plays on loop. Takes a little mental disciple,, you gotta be patient with yourself at first, but I think it is a life line if you want to use it.
You know what? That actually sounds like a wonderful idea. It’s that skipped record thing that bugs me out at night the most. When I can’t focus on anything because I’m focusing on everything. I’m going to start giving that a try.
And thank you. Very much.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Amen sister, Amen!
August 25th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Welcome back sista friend. You were missed!
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:06 am
thanks for coming back but even more thanks for this post. reminds me exactly of me! Wow.