I keep re-writing this post in a vain attempt to say something profound. But I think you and I can agree that lately, there’s just been nothing profound to come from Speak On It.

I started this blog as a way to communciate with likeminded people. As a way to be justified in the way I thought about things. As a way to feel important to more people than I already am.

For a while, I found what I was looking for. Then I came back to the realization that the people who’ll always have my back are none other than my family, lifelong friends and me. I had begun to put entirely too much emphasis on folks that weren’t much more than internet personas.

What kind of bugs me was my need for this crutch. Which is what the blogging community had become for me. You can’t really rely on people you don’t know. Right?

Right.

Regardless, I’ve met some really amazing people. I found myself in an actual relationship thanks in part to this blog. I’ve visited places I’ve never been before, like Cleveland and Pittsburgh, and I’ve spent countless hours reading, writing and responding thanks to this blog.

I’ve also spent too many hours worrying about this blog. About the readers. About the comment count. About the content. About the people I met through this place. About what was being said about me. About what was not being said about me. About how I should proceed with x, y & z. About how I should write. About how I should think.

So on and so forth. It’s pretty damn exhausting and I’m looking forward to the break.

I wish all of y’all well.

Take good care of yourselves and thank you for the laughs and the smiles. I appreciate it more than I can say.

-Deutlich

A couple weeks ago I bitched about being single by proclaiming that it’s all them and not me. Because I’m obviously fabulous. And by them I mean, well, THEM.

All of them.

And after I finished my handy work, I sat down and grinned because surely I fooled everybody! You know, since all of those things were “obviously” correct. But let’s get real. They didn’t actually paint the whole picture.

Ya see. I am scared shitless of the “dating scene”. I don’t even really understand what the hell dating means. Is it a succession of going out to places that involve food and libations? Is it that period in which you bump uglies with said person while wondering if he or she’s doing the deed with others because things hadn’t been written in stone? Is it the process after something was cemented in a verbal agreement?

Is it all three? Parts of it? None of it?

For fuck’s sake just thinking about it makes me dizzy.

I like to act as though I’ve got this super thick skin but at the end of the day there are some things that just cut me deep. Rejection is pretty much at the top of this list. Any kind of rejection. From almost anybody.

I hate it. By a LOT. And it makes my head all spinny and forces my stupid eyes to cry stupid tears and then I feel like a dumb nearly-thirty-year-old.

The fuck?

Now I know that part of the problem is that I’d actually need to meet somebody to date them. I know. I’m not sure where the logic is in that either.

But where in the shit am I supposed to meet people? Specifically non-creepy, easy-on-the-eyes, dark-haired, light-eyed folks that know how to work with their hands, think on their feet and make me laugh all at the same time.

Ok, so that part about the eyes isn’t that important.

Except maybe a little.

Have you heard about the GOP staffer that sent that email with a picture of all of America’s presidents except Obama’s “picture” was just a black square with bulging white eyes?

No?

Well here’s a quick refresher:

I won’t get into how fucking stupid that dumb bitch was because I think I’ve said it all with those lovely explatives. But what I will say is that there is a clear and distinct undertone of racism involved which has gotten political pundits in a kerfuffle.

Some say that those of us who think this is dispicably racist are overreacting while others think this is just another example of exactly why race relations are still such a crapshoot in this country.

Here’s what bugs me the most about it — we can’t have a rational discussion about this without people flying into a total rage. And it’s kind of disgusting. How exactly do we expect to move on and grow if we can’t actually talk about it?

Back when Imus was fired from his talk radio gig for making racially incensitive remarks, I had a couple of reactions to the thing. A) Obviously, there are still lines we can not cross and it’d be nice if more people understood this. B) Firing him didn’t solve a damn thing.

The man’s radio show was televised, for cripe’s sake! Would it not have been better to have the DJ, the basketball player that he called “nappy headed,” a couple of lawyers and the basketball coach on the show to actually discuss how and why things went so awry? To explain where each side was coming from? To hash it out correctly in a way that reached a common consensus?

Because frankly, I don’t think that the people who were behind Imus quite understood why it was so wrong of him to say what he said. And those who were enraged by his comments probably got the cheap 2 second thrill of thinking “victory!” just because he was fired.

But did that actually solve anything?

No.

And I don’t mean to imply that a single situation can fix hundreds of years of cultural difficulties in this country, but being that it was such a nationally discussed topic it sure as shit wouldn’t have hurt.

Note: Thanks to O Hell Nawl for making me think on this topic today.

Behold the many faces of a obsessed highly focused Backstreet Fan.

Philadelphia Ritz Carlton, 2000

Philadelphia Ritz Carlton, 2000

Tyson’s Ritz Carlton, 2001

AJ’s Tour Bus (Z104 interview of him that I won), 2001

DLF Cruise (somewhere near Belize), 2004

DLF Cruise (in Cozumel), 2004

Philadelphia, 2005

Philadelphia, 2005

Philadelphia, 2005

Philadelphia, 2005

Philadelphia, 2005

Columbus, OH, 2005

Columbus, OH, 2005

Columbus, OH, 2005

Columbus, OH, 2005

DLF Dinner Cruise, Toronto, 2005

K92 Brunch with AJ & Brian, 2007

DC, 2008

DC, 2008

DC, 2008

There’s ONE other picture of Howie, Kat and me but I can’t friggin’ find it.

You’re welcome.

Today’s post is brought to you by the discovery of @Backstreetboys, @brian_littrell, @nick_carter, @howie_d, and @aj_mclean on Twitter.

Also? I obviously have no shame.

I can understand why so many people are religious. Some are born into it, some choose it and overall there’s just a whole lot of people that are into it.

I’m not.

I have never been. Even since I was knee-high to a grasshopper, I just didn’t “get it.” My brain is wired to receive facts. Cold hard facts. Things I can see, touch and hear with my own eyes, hands and ears. I lean towards the scientific approach to life, even when dealing with the little things and science is solidly impacted by mathematics. That’s probably why I did so well in both topics.

I could go on for years about why I don’t believe in religion and God but that’s not really what this is about.

I really admire the conviction of those dedicated to Jesus or Allah or whomever their deity is. I may not agree with it, just as much as they wouldn’t necessarily agree with my Atheism, but I have a lot of respect for it.

I guess to me it’s just a novel idea. And because it’s an idea shared by SO very many, it’s a bit of a touchy topic. I remember the days when people would wish me a “blessed day” or just say “God bless you” after a harty sneeze and I’d cringe in response. Somewhere between then and now, I realized that to them? That’s a big honkin’ deal. Their idea of God is what they have based their life around. To them, it’s the reason for being alive which stems from an underlying principle that God is behind everything in some fashion or another.

And if they’re wishing me such things, then to them it’s the ultimate compliment. It’s they’re way of letting me know that they really care.

It’s sweet, in all actuality. Even if it’s not my schtick.

It’s also why I can listen to quite a bit of Gospel and Christian music without falling over in shock. Sometimes it’s just nice to listen to people who have such incredibly strong principles.

I just wish that the lines weren’t constantly blurred and religious text wasn’t so skewed by humans. Frankly, I’d bet a whole lot of money that a whole lot of wars and mass slaughters would have been avoided that way. But then I always wonder how life would be today without the world’s history being as it is. I guess I believe the Butterfly Effect to have some truths to it. You can’t go fiddling with the past without the future turning out utterly different than it has.

But I still wish all the carnage could have been avoided. It especially sucks that it still happens to date.