Fuck You. And You Too.
Posted by Deutlich on May 13th, 2009 | Filed under: UncategorizedWe all have lists. Lists of things we need to do. Lists of things we want. Lists of things we need. And most importantly, lists of things we hate.
Or if you’re more eloquant than me, switch out “hate” with “loathe.”
Whichever.
Today my list of Fuck You’s goes out to the following:
#1: Beyonce Knowles
Look. I’ve already said this but it deserves repeating, Beyonce sucks monkey toes. The thing that ticks me off the worst is that I can’t. stop. liking. her. fucking. music.
First it was all that crap she did with Destiny’s Child. Then it was Crazy In Love, Me, Myself and I, Irreplaceable, Get Me Bodied, Upgrade U, and Single Ladies. And have y’all heard Halo yet? Because that shit is constantly stuck in my head.
I would like to trip the shit out of her for having music that is so goddamn infectious I can’t NOT like it.
Bitch.
#2: Miss California
Basically, Carrie What’s-Her-Face is just a dumb cunt. And it’s not even the bullshit about the gay marriage (although that does bug the piss out of me). What really twists my tits is that she used the church as her reason for her opinion but finds it all right to a) strut around on stage in a bikini – because Christians love that – a lot; b) take nekkid photos and then act like it was the fucking photographer’s fault that her tits were hangin’ out – because Christians REALLY love that; c) re-read reasons a & b.
#3: Allergies
I think that’s pretty self explanatory.
#4: Growing Up
I’m a Toys-R-Us kid for goodness sakes! I don’t want to grow up. I’m tired of the bills, responsibilities, work and general expectations that come with age. My relatives keep hounding me about having my OWN kids.
Please stab me in the eye socket now.
#5: Tupperware Lids
My tupperware lids like to disappear as much as my socks do. It’s just really damn obnoxious and I don’t care to waste time in the mornings hunting for missing lids. End of story.
#6: Rihanna (aka Robin)
I had every intention of posting the nude pix instead of that more tasteful one above. But then I thought some of y’all maybe would get in trouble. Considering that we all do this blogging stuff while on the clock and all.
To clarify, I don’t actually hate Rihanna. On the contrary – I’d like to stick my face between her thighs and maybe come up for air just enough to not pass the fuck out. And basically that’s my only beef with her. The pictures of her butt-ass-naked d0 not help.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:13 am
I would like Rihanna’s legs, please.
I’d be afraid to have ‘em because of my badonka-donk. I bet I’d look like twiggy with a gynormous pumpkin poppin’ out of my backside..
May 13th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I would commit heinous crimes against queen and country to have my face buried nose deep within Rihanna’s girl parts.
Also, I loathe Beyonce with a passion. But because im just a male, and she has those HURT ME Hips, I dont have a choice but to desire the chance to silverback that booty.
I’d commit those same crimes. I’m pretty fucking positive of that. And dammit! I swear we all just hate to love Beyonce but just can’t fucking help it.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:21 am
I’m so happy you, too, use the prefix “butt-ass”. It’s not redundant, it’s useful.
Temporary solution for the tupperware lids: rubber bands and cling-wrap. Totally not the same, though.
Cling wrap and I have become the best of friends lately. Wait. That sounds dirty.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:26 am
I hate Tupperware period. I don’t like reusable plastic containers of any brand, actually.
I’m not particularly fond of it either. But I’m also not the one who buys it — although, if it’s in the house I’m going to use it.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:26 am
The moment I saw those pics of Rihanna, I became her biggest fan. Then I looked again and again and again and again.
Uhm. I’ve always been a pretty big fan but yes. I’ve – uh – looked at those photos *ahem* multiple times….
May 13th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Rihanna is mine and if you so much as touch her I will stomp my feet and hold my breath and scream, “MINE MINE MINE!” like a 4 yr old. I assume that would win her back. If not I keep roofies in my pocket.
My dear. You are mistaken. And you can only “have her” when I’m done. IF I’m done. Get with it.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:27 am
this was hilarious.
well thanks!
May 13th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Pfft. Deutlich, you can’t be forced to grow up. I’m totally buying a toy Enterprise on Saturday — because OMG! I do in fact refuse to grow up.
Also: Rihanna porn? AWESOME! Thanks for linking off site though, I’ll probably want to look at that site tonight after the Bookstore, and, er, it’d be weird taking care of business while on your blog. Yeah.
(and that’s how you do sneak-TMI)
Dude. Now *I’m* glad I linked it off site. And how the hell were you not aware of those pics yet?!?!?!?!
May 13th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Rihanna’s body? That’s shit’s just unfair. I hate her out of sheer jealousy, and keep telling myself that her perfect ass is going to go south one day in a lame attempt to make myself feel better.
I am oddly un-jealous, which just confuses me. But despite this – GATdamn her ass is all that and a bag of chips. I mean. Seriously. Yeesh.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I LOOOOVE RiRi – it’s not that she’s gorgeous, BUT it’s that’s she’s gorgeous and has a nice personality to match. Yeah, her singing voice stinks to high heaven, but I’m more of an empathetic, feely type person, which is why I dig her person.
Which brings me to Beyonce. HELL YEAH I can’t stand that bitch – I call her Beyotch-ay. Again, it’s her personality – not her “music”. I use the quotes cause I can hardly call what she does music. I hate that she sold out the original DC for her own personal gain, then next it was Kelly, and to be honest, she can’t even sing. All that vibrato shit is NOT singing, it’s a facade. So her real “popularity” comes from booty shaking and fancy costumes. Yep, I said it, cause it’s true. Also, I wish she would just go sit her ass down somewhere and pop out a few babies for her husband already – jeez.
It’s not enough that her “music” is flooding the radio, but she HAS to be on TV commercials AND try to do movies too? Yes, TRY. Have you seen any of her movies? I hate that she thinks she can act cause it ALWAYS ruins a good plot. *sighs* Perhaps if she’d go AWAY for 3 or 4 years, the viewing public would appreciate her, but she just doesn’t seem to get the hint. Ok, I’m done, lol. Sorry for the rant, D.
Hahahahaha. It’s ok! We all gotta let off some steam here and again. Also? I do not understand why there’s always FOUR Beyonce singles playing on the radio at the same time. Overkill much?!
May 13th, 2009 at 9:37 am
I was aware of them, just too lazy to look for them.
Oooh – well that makes sense. Except for the too lazy to look for nekkid Rihanna pix part. My brain does not compute. haha
May 13th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Miss California is a douche. A stupid one too. I’d like it if we could all just shower her with rotten vegetables, molded food, and semen filled condoms.
Too much?
No no. I think it’s quite appropriate.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:46 am
Ugh, I’m so with you. As for Beyonce, I have a serious love/hate for her, too. Anyone who can actually live off lemon water and cayenne pepper for two weeks, I hate. But anyone who makes music like hers, I love.
Oh Beyonce, why must you baffle and befuddle me so?
EXACTLY! It’s so fucking frustrating!
May 13th, 2009 at 9:47 am
i hate rihanna simply because she’s a dumb bitch that is OK with chris breezy beating her ass.
but, oh what an ass it is. and thighs. and . . . damn.
(the title of this post instantly reminded me of one of my favorite movies EVER – Half Baked)
That shit w/CB was just.. fucking ridiculous. ‘Nuff said.
Also? I LOVE Half Baked. I think I need to watch it soon. While stoned. Because yes.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:51 am
It’s one of those things where, I heard about them at work, but I can’t check them at work, and then I left work, but I went to my part-time job, and I can’t check them there, either, and by the time I got home, I was already too tired to do anything about them even if I had the inclination to get up and boot my computer up, and in the morning, I don’t have time to look, and then I’m back at work, and I can’t check them at work, so the cycle repeats ad naseum.
AAhhh.. Ok. Well that does make sense.
May 13th, 2009 at 9:51 am
I’m totally whoring your comments. In fact, your blog just told me to slow the fuck down.
Please know I just laughed out loud in my cuby
May 13th, 2009 at 9:56 am
That is the response I would like to have from all of my comments.
Done deal.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Ugh..I actually DO hate rihanna. Not her music, just her.
But that’s how it’s supposed to be. Because if we ever agreed on liking or disliking the same thing, the world would implode. I’m convinced of it.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:15 am
I like that you hate Beyonce for relatively good reasons. I hate Beyonce because she isn’t as great of a singer most people (and it wouldn’t surprise me if she believes this herself) think she is. When she does that whole trail off singing thing it annoys the shit out of me. And despite not being a good actress she still gets acting jobs. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of actresses (black and white and every color in between) that would work for cheaper and be 10x better than her.
And allergies can go suck a fat one.
I don’t think she’s got that great of a voice either. Give me Kelly Rowland over Beyonce any day of the week.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:23 am
I’m not even American but Miss Califonia really pisses the hell off me.
See?! That chick is just… outrageous.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Allergies really, really suck.
I love Beyonce but cannot imagine hating her.. we differ on that.
And I never lose Tupperware lids… But then again, I only have many copies of the same 2 sizes, not a bajillion, and those 2 sizes use the single, same sized lid
Hmm.. now there’s a good idea
May 13th, 2009 at 11:16 am
But Raych, you’re living in 2 weeks ago, lol. She broke up with him after the assaulting, so she clearly wasn’t “ok” with it. Love me some RiRi!
I just wish she hadn’t gone back at all…
May 13th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Halo is always stuck in my head. Always.
Fuckin’ obnoxious, ain’t it?!
May 13th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I have all your Tupperware lids. I believe you have all my Tupperware?
We must remedy this.
May 13th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
today i read in one of the London papers that having sex helps with allergies.i blogged abt it today:)
Now that’s a theory I wouldn’t mind testing out
May 13th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Yeah, I don’t remember “Thou shalt take topless photos” anywhere in the Bible. Unless I have the wrong translation.
My Fuck You List includes:
1. Dick Cheney
2. Rush Limbaugh
3. Being poor
4. Lady GaGa
5. The DVD I got from the library the other day that doesn’t work.
Ugh. Being poor? I FEEL YOU. I hate that shit.
May 13th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
i’d like to say a big FU to allergies too. they are driving me insane lately, i can’t go an hour without sneezing, gah!
I hope that stops soon! There is seriously nothing more annoying than suffering from allergies.
May 13th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Amen!!
May 14th, 2009 at 2:46 am
LMAO!!!!
I love this post!
I don’t like Beyonce for the exact same reason… or it could be that the girls I work with crank up her songs every time they come on the radio… there is only so many times a guy needs to see his 40+yr old co-workers shaking their ass to “if you like it then you shoulda put ring on it”
Just picturing that is making me laugh. By a lot.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:20 am
You forgot to add the following:
Meredith Vierra
Dr. Oz
People who say “needs warshing.”
The 1990-1994 Plymouth Acclaim/Dodge Spirit
Starbucks bathrooms
and
people who think “The Daily Show” is a substitute for real news.
Maybe next time!
Eh.. I don’t know who Dr. Oz is, I LOVE people who say “needs warshin’” ’cause they’re obviously from the south, I really dig Meredith as well as the Daily Show, I’ve no idea what that Plymouth looks like AND I used to clean Starbuck’s bathrooms.. and as much as I hated it, I did a damn good job of it. So. Yeah.
May 14th, 2009 at 5:55 am
i kinda feel the same way about beyonce, like i’m so meh about her (love jay-z though) i especially meh about her acting career. but her music? can’t get enough of it, that broad can work it.
I swear it’s a freakin’ conspiracy!
May 14th, 2009 at 6:21 am
The tupperware lids always get lost first!! What the F is up with that? And thank you for not posting nekked pics of Rihanna
You’re welcome!
May 14th, 2009 at 7:04 am
See? And I got home and COMPLETELY forgot about Rihanna. I could tell you what I remembered but … trust me, no. I’m actually kind of really grossed out by it just thinking back on it. Ew. Ew.
Thank you for sparing me. No really. Thank. You!
May 14th, 2009 at 7:21 am
your tupperware lids are WAY more organized than mine, so i have to give you props for that, even if they annoy you. and i have to confess that i don’t completly hate beyonce, only her make-up artist who won’t let her go anywhere without the overly-done smokey eye.
I WISH those were mine.. I stole that off of Google Images. *ahem*
May 14th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Okay, this entire list was freakin HILARIOUS!
Now that? Is fantastical.
May 14th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I agree with everything above. I love Rihanna though but I’m pretty disturbed by those pictures. Damn!
See, now when referring to “disturbed” by pictures I totally can’t tell if you’re feeling this way about the nudies or the she-got-punched-the-fuck-out pix. The ladder bug the crap out of me too.. the former? Not so much. I am verily fond. VERILY.
May 15th, 2009 at 7:04 am
Holy crap. HAHAHAHA! I love this!
Especially #1.
That’s awesome!
May 15th, 2009 at 11:52 am
THANK YOU! The Tupperware lids, where the HELL do they go? I’ve wondered this for years and it’s one of the reasons my sanity is compromised today. I figure they must be in the same place as all those missing socks I seem to have every time I do laundry.
Also I appear to agree with you on almost every other point! Scary.
we obviously rock the casbah
May 15th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
haha “I’d like to stick my face between her thighs and maybe come up for air just enough to not pass the fuck out” didn’t know you were into that.. i’d lovee that chance. hahaha. and i like #2 too.
yeeessssss
May 16th, 2009 at 10:18 am
I too loathe Beyonce with every ounce of my being, but I too can’t help but love “Halo” more than I should. That bothers me a bit, but the song is just so damn good.
And as far as being between Rihanna’s thighs, well who needs air?
Well played, my dear. Well played. (ie: that’s a damn good point)
May 17th, 2009 at 1:51 am
I completely agree about relatives pushing for children! My grandma hounds me about getting married and popping out babies whenever she sees me. GIVE IT UP already! Welcome to the 21st century!
And Tupperware sucks, too.
Yes! I say no to babies and tupperware! dangsit! ‘Sides, I have kitties now so that will work JUST fine for me.
May 17th, 2009 at 9:07 am
in my opinion the tupperware lids are eaten by the tupperware monster…who hangs out with the sock monster…and the remote monster.
I agree. Wholeheartedly.
May 18th, 2009 at 5:37 am
THANK YOU.
I thought I was the only person on this earth that didn’t worship at the altar of Beyonce.
Oh no. We’re totally two peas in a pod
May 18th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
ohmyLORD this post is hilarious. and especially the rihanna thing. a hahahahahahah! hilarious. well done.
well thanks!
May 19th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Man! I HATE that dumb redneck Prejean! She sucks so much! How can anyone find a woman that is 95% plastic and has the IQ with of a q-tip attractive?
Rednecks? I love them. Dumb rednecks? I kinda feel bad for them. But mostly they’re just dumb.
May 20th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Totally agree with you about Miss California. Laaaame. My other beef right now is with Bravo for that awful trashy show “The Fashion Show.” Project Runway for the win!
I’ve yet to see The Fashion Show. I think that means a lot in and of itself.