Bitch, I’m Talkin’ to You!
Posted by Deutlich on May 27th, 2009 | Filed under: Uncategorized“Ey, shawwty!!”
“Hey you!”
“Ey!! I said ‘EY’!”
“BITCH I’M TALKIN’ TO YOU!!”
You’d think that some low-grade imbessile was trying to pick a fight, right?
Wrong.
This is just a snippet of lines black men have used to get my attention.
That’s right. They were flirting. Or in other words, reverting back to their primitive days in which pummeling each other over the head was the way to land their dicks in a chick’s vagina.
I can’t even begin to tell you how often shit like that has gone down. Now don’t get me wrong, there are PLENTY of well-educated black men that know how to hold a conversation and be polite. And while they stick out more than a snaggle-toothed kid’s cowlick, they’re kind of rare when strolling down the street. In other words – they are seen, not heard, and occasionally forgotten because of this.
Nobody ever forgets being cussed out.
I’ve yet to fully figure out what makes such ghetto-rific behavior appealing. I mean, somebody’s fucking them. It’s just not me. And while I’d like to steer clear of certain stereotypes, if the shoe fits… So be it.
Men that display this type of behavior often carry a certain “visual accompaniment.” What I mean to say is that they’ve spent every last dollar sporting the newest Jordans but live at their mama’s house, or have 4.5 kids they aren’t feedin’, or perhaps sport some kind of jewelry in their mouth.
Like my ex-boyfriend.
I know. I know. The horror.
At least he didn’t live at his mama’s house. We’ll just skip the discussion of whether or not he had children.
During Easter I took a little roadtrip to Charlotte, North Carolina. This is the sort of city that has a plethora of men described above. It’s not the only city, but I’ll explain why I’m using it as an example.
A very dear friend of mine was visiting from Germany. He’s a Halfrican like me and came out of the closet a couple years ago to everyone except for his stepfather. Because being black and gay is worse than eating human flesh for breakfast. At least in 95% of the black community.
It goes without saying that we absolutely had to hit up the gay club while our drinking festivities ensued.
Perhaps I am naive, but my picture of a gay club includes raver music infused with europop infused with top 40 hits, half-naked men, drag queens, smoke machines, glitter and flamboyant fun.
Not at this place. It was PACKED TO THE GILLS with exactly the type of men that would be standin’ on a street corner howling at me to impress their ignorant ass friends. It’s like somebody threw an entire neighborhood from Southeast DC into this place. It was that crowded and that stereotypical.
And all I could think was, “dammit, Oprah wasn’t kidding when she talked about all those black men on the Down Low*.”
*The “down low” refers to men discreetly having sex with other men while in sexual relationships with women. While I’m sure that a percentage of the men at this club were out and in the open, I am beyond positive that the majority of them were not. As was the entire group of people I went there with. It is a phenomena that bugs the shit out of me. Be who you are and own who you are.
May 27th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
You really never know who bats for the other team. Some of the “straightest looking” people are. Hell, some of my best friends don’t look gay whatsoever, but they most definitely are.
And fellas, be careful who you call a bitch. Unless it’s deserved (in which case I will own up to it), this bitch will shove her size 5 Converse up your ass.
Dude, you are absolutely correct about that. And there’s no way to typecast someone based on their clothes alone. What I’m referring to is a very, very, verrrryyyy obvious disconnect. It was just.. weird.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
you are 100% abso-effin-lutely correct with this post. I am a resident of said city (only for about 2 1/2 years though, i don’t claim charlotte as my home) and it’s ridiculous. I actually wrote about an experience I had last year when I was going into a mall and proceeded to get cursed at because I refuse to acknowledge ignorant behavior.
you are so right when you say most of the black and intelligent dudes are never heard. WHY IS THAT?!!?! and where can I find one dammit.
p.s. you have been blowing my mind with how on point your latest points have been (to my life). I mean, brain matter is all over my keyboard.
Yanno, I know quite a few of those intelligent black men. The majority of them are spoken for, though! (Sorry!)
Also, I feel for ya. Charlotte was like a whole other world to me.
PS: Thank you. I appreciate your input. By a lot.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
wow, you mean “bitch i’m talking to you” didn’t make your panties fall right off?
what the eff do they think is going to happen?
I have NO fucking clue.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
No doubt you won’t want to hear this, but I’m going to say it anyway…:
While I don’t comment all that often, I do read your blog. I get the impression (perhaps incorrectly) that the majority of your readers are white women. Am I wrong? If I am, well, I apologize for my ignorance. If I’m not, I really question the wisdom of posting this sort of thing. Now as I’ve said before, you and I clearly engage our identities as Black women in radically different ways. However, do you *really* want to give the white folks yet more confirmation for the stereotypes (acknowledged or not) that they all hold?
Maybe we shouldn’t give a fuck what the white folks think, but then again, this sort of behavior has been crafted — in no small part — out of the white imagination. Trust. The media outlets that repeat and reflect this kind of horseshit ad infinitum serve a particular kind of interest.
Oh, and to answer your question as to who these tactics work with? Well, none of the sistas I know suffer that kind of trifling-ass bullshit for a minute, obviously. But it seems like there are plenty of white women with low self-esteem who are all about that. After all, it lets them embody a sort of imagined radical subjectivity without any kind of political engagement, while only really reifying the same ole’, same ole’.
Maybe we need to focus more on talking up the brothas that get overlooked.
Actually, I really value your opinion and I appreciate that you left it. However, I don’t feel like I’m “giving white folks more confirmation for stereotypes.” I mean, it’d be one thing if I were lying. And another if I never, ever spoke about the vitrol horseshit that some whites have done. But it is what it is. And I speak on it.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
I hear you. And I’m not saying that I don’t have these stories, and more. Of course. But words do matter, and I would hate to see the white women take this as confirmation of the Mandingo myths that they hold so near and dear.
There’s a context to this, and it’s deep, and it’s broad. No small part of it is rooted in slavery, and in Jim Crow. What did that time do to the structures of our families, and to our notions of gender and sexual identities? The impact was not small, and it certainly hasn’t disappeared. Also, being treated like a caged zoo animal in the Land of the Free? Tends to do weird shit to you and your notions of self and how you move about the world.
There’s a more recent context, too, which is all about how whites have sucked the most offensive superficial aspects of our culture, concentrated them into some ultra-strong bullshit formula, and re-marketed them to us as “authentic” representations of us. Sad to say, all too many of our young men and women buy into it.
So speak on it, of course. But do you want to tell less than half of the story, and tell it to those who have some unacknowledged blood on their very pale hands?
I’m not certain how unacknowledged that blood is. But I’m also a German. And where I come from (because I do have dual citizenship), we almost over acknowledge what happened in the World War when millions of people were slaughtered. Because we NEVER ever EVER want that to happen again. It is a shame that we carry deeply. My understanding of whites in America is two-fold: some are ignorant and some are not. But that goes the same for the black community. And the latino community. And the Asian community. And so on and so forth
And while I haven’t delved into the deeper issues that our black community in America carries in this particular post, I certainly have in the past. Regardless, I’m glad you gave your input. You’re 100% correct when you say that there is a much deeper issue that can’t be ignored.
The thing is, a lot of my readers? Are really well versed in race relations. And I’d hate to resort to dishonesty to appease anyone, or to make an ugly situation look better. And I think if I hadn’t witnessed what I did – I wouldn’t have had something to say about it.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Hmm inneresting isn’t it! Seems like they’re all show for a reason!
Absolutely
May 27th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Yeah, I heard about that Down Low thing. It’s weird like hell, I mean, WTF? Are you gay or straight? Make up your mind!
Yeah, why is that being black and gay is a total no-no? I heard that before too.
Because black men were enslaved for many, many years. And while slave owners raped their women, black men were turned into nothing more than reproductive machines to pop out more slaves. It is a VERY deep rooted issue that still plagues the black community to this day. It’s also one of the reasons why it’s so “taboo” for black men to date and marry white women. It’d be nice if we could have more open discourse about it and potentially move towards a healthier-minded society.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
So maybe some of these guys only act ignorant and holler obscenities at women because they’re totally not interested in women but need to keep up appearances for their caveman friends?
That is something I’ve believed to be the case for quite a while.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
How does that guy think that ANY woman will respond positively to him after calling her a bitch to get his attention? Eff off, for real!
Because they’ve been taught to believe this is true. And often times, it does work. I mean, not the part where they cuss others out, but the horse whispers to get a chick’s attention. It’s all kind of sad, really.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
@ Rica (comment 7):
The history of gender and sexuality during slavery is quite complex. There’s quite a bit of substantiating evidence that whites regularly raped our forefathers. Furthermore, in most places and for most of the history of trans-Atlantic slavery (which goes back to the late 1400s and all the way until 1888, when it was finally outlawed in Brazil), enslaved men GREATLY outnumbered women. Whereas, in West and Central Africa, for most of the same period, as the whites stole away our forefathers, women GREATLY outnumbered men. So, in other words, men were coming to the Americas from societies that were increasingly bent towards polygyny into societies where they might live their entire lives without ever seeing a woman (this was quite common on sugar cane plantations and mines, for example, in the Caribbean and throughout Latin America).
This seriously has warped gender, sexuality, and family life, in addition to the demasculization Deutlich discussed.
I’m actually not at all convinced, though, that we as a people are more homophobic than whites. I think a certain demographic of whites finds it easier to believe that then to look at the ideas in other parts of the white world. This is why so many white so-called progressives blamed Blacks for Prop 8 in California, which really pissed me off.
I’m not convinced that we’re more homophobic than whites either. But there are a lot more white people in America, allowing for a much more diverse range of opinions. Lord knows there are tons of white men doing the same thing, often carrying their self-imposed burden of what they believe their religion to be.
It’s kind of like this – if 50% of 100 people believe in theory A, then that’s a whole lotta folks in a specific community. But if it’s 50% of 1,872,562,157 people – it just doesn’t have the same impact. Even knowing that it’s still half of the community.
As for progressives saying that blacks are to be blamed for Prop 8 passing? I don’t actually know much about that. But if we simply look at the number, the fact that blacks are a minority, then this argument can basically be blown out of the water anyway. How a community that makes up a little over 13% of the entire population can possibly affect the majority vote in such a way just doesn’t add up.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
You know what’s funny? ALL men WISH this was how strange women treated them on the street.
Oh my God! If you were a single dude walking down the street and a pack of girls came out of nowhere and one of them grabbed your ass while leering in your face ‘hey BITCH, didn’t you hear me talkin to you??’…why, it’d be more wonderous than Mr. Wonka’s amazing candy factory.
You know what? I’m gonna try that shit the next time I roll up on a hottie. Maybe I’ll videotape it. Just for fodder.
May 27th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I remember in high school all the girls went with those kinds of guys (the heterosexual ones, of course). I never understood. I was so nice, sensitive, friendly, polite, and innocent. But who do the girls go with? The guy who thinks “Yo bitch, let me hit that” is a pick up line!
It’s ridiculous, really. But apparently acting like an asshole means you’re “stronger” and better equipped to “protect” those around you. I’ve found this is definitely NOT the case – but I’d be hardpressed to get folks to see that. At least the ones that are into it.
May 27th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
HAHAHA! You were outside of Georgetown weren’t you? Ah, the things one learns in a new city. *fail* Ey Shorty….
Dude! It’s happened in Woodbridge, Dale City, Kingstowne, Capitol Hill, Barry Farms, Charlotte, Atlanta, L.A…. you name it.
May 27th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Ummm M?…as a white woman (& one that openly claims her sad ignorance of cultures other than her own) I would like to say that just because I read something doesn’t mean I follow it blindly. I just want it known that I didn’t finish this post and think “Well damn, ALL black men like to swear & have millions of babies that they don’t care for.” How about it is realized that ALL white people don’t believe in black stereotypes. Some of us are intelligent enough to know that Deutlich was writing about her own experiences. I am not saying there is no racism (I am not one of those that think that Obama is the cure for all things race related) but I am willing to give Deutlich the benefit of the doubt.
I won’t label you (as in you the reader) if you won’t label me.
I had hoped that I came across as simply conveying my own experiences, which is really all I can ever do anyway. Thank you for that.
May 27th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
@ Rachel M.:
I’ll explain why I feel quite comfortable generalizing about whites. While I’m clearly not saying that all white people walk around with images of us and watermelons (although consider that bullshit President Obama went through not too long ago, many more do than you think), I have yet to meet a white person who does not believe, to some extent at least, in meritocracy in the U.S. You know, this idea that hard work pays off and qualifications matter. In order to believe that, you have to believe some pretty appalling things about Blacks, Latinos, and Native Americans, whether implicit or explicit. That’s just one example. I have yet to meet a single white person who does not credit their own or their ancestors’ hard work with their place in life, which again, carries with it a lot of highly charged beliefs about Blacks, Latinos, and Native Americans.
My point was not, of course, that Deutlich cannot write about her own experiences, but rather that it is important to consider audience and impact. Chappelle knew this when he walked away from his show.
I think a healthy balance between understanding what races of all color have gone through in the past is key. It’s not just black vs. white. There’ve been many, many difficulties amongst different cultural backgrounds. Spaniards vs. Latinos. Protestants vs. Catholics. Africans vs. Africans. China vs. Japan. Etc etc and so on.
But even with that said, I wish both sides would stop raising their kids to be untrusting of the other. It’s difficult being part of one of the first generations that didn’t have to deal with legalized discrimination. And even though *I* haven’t, there’s still many cases of it in the south (for example). But we are practically raised to carry our parent’s burden. And that? I completely disagree with doing.
Yes, know your past.
Yes, speak about your roots.
But don’t let it hinder you from camaraderie with other humans.
If it weren’t for white people voting against discriminatory behaviors, it couldn’t possibly have been made illegal. Because white people make up the majority of the population. Especially back when the new legislation was being put into play.
I’m fully aware that there’s still problems. But in my lived experiences? I’ve found that white people are quite a bit more tolerant of other people than blacks are. Of course this has to do with each sides lived experiences and history. And again, we can’t forget our past. But we also need to work on the now and the future.
Also, I get why Chapelle stopped what he was doing. But I’m no Chappelle and I don’t want to silence myself because something may be too touchy of a subject.
May 27th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
M, so you are allowed to generalize me, but you would hate it if I did that to you (understandably). So it doesn’t matter how open minded I raise my daughter, you are going to just dismiss her because she’s white? I am quite confused by you hypocrisy.
May 27th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Rachel, I don’t think it’s the truth to say that you are “confused” when you didn’t actually address my points, but instead reverted to the “Angry-Black-Women-Who-Don’t-Accept-My-Overtures-Are-The-Problem” trope.
You could address my points, about the racist underpinnings of the American ideas of meritocracy (resurfacing in its most recent incarnation in the super-bizarre discourse surrounding Sotomayor’s nomination).
What makes my generalization about you and your generalizations about us different is that I have no structural power, and never have the privilege of being regarded as an individual — something that you are able to take for granted and demand. And while some Black and Brown folks chose to complain, I chose to view identifying myself within community — of disregarding individuality — as a position of strength.
May 27th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
*throws hands in the air & gives up*
May 27th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Re: Comment 11…
I’ll hold the video camera.
I just chuckled into my hand. One of those that starts down at your ass crack and goes through your eyeballs.
May 27th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
It’s interesting you wrote this. In a way it reminds me a little of Arab men. Homosexuality in the Arab world is greatly suppressed even though there is a gay community there. Most all homosexuals – both male and female – are pushed out of society if they come out and shunned. It so sad how they can be treated.
I know that straight Arab men, on the other hand, will whistle and say various comments in Arabic to any women walking down the street. We usually just tend to ignore them.
Funny how that works, eh? What little I know about homosexuals in that particular community involves being stoned to death, jailed or ostracized, as you mentioned. Just sad.
May 27th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Halfrican might possibly be my new favorite word of all time. You are so cute.
aww, well thank you!
May 27th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
“bitch i’m talking to you”???
I’m sorry I don’t mean to be ignorant but I don’t think women should be talked this way. EVER. Whether it’s common or not.
You and me both. But this can be the result of ignoring the horse whispers. Lame. All the way around. And I don’t know that I want to call it “common” so much as “frequent”
May 28th, 2009 at 3:39 am
Why are gay men so hot? I’m going to go cry now.
p.s. this is me leaving a comment that doesn’t even touch the race issue. high five, maxie!
I love you. And dude, it’s a conspiracy. Haha.
May 28th, 2009 at 4:21 am
“BITCH I’M TALKIN’ TO YOU!!”
Wow! Charming! I’ve heard similar dumb attempts at pick-up lines by douchebags such as:
“Hey ho!”
“Hey baby! How you doin?” (I thought only “Joey” from Friends said this, but apparently not)
“Hey! Where are you going?” (This guy was picking up his kids at the pool at the time! Eww!)
When will some men learn to just talk to women like we’re human beings? The only pick up line that ever works is no pick up line.
AMEN, sista friend!
May 28th, 2009 at 4:52 am
i’ll never forget the ‘mmmmm girl (licking lips), are you puerto rican?’ i got once.
but yeah, i feel like gay clubs are always full of mystery. who’s there for the same sex, who’s there to think they’re safe from getting hit on for one night, who’s there to hit on the people who think they’re safe from being hit on… as long as there’s glow sticks and strong drinks most people seem to be happy
strong drinks make meh happay. and yes! there IS always a mystery. i really liked how one woman approached and asked, “so.. would you come here again with me?” A) It was sweet because she was obviously sorta nervous. B) It wasn’t disrespectful and C) It got the point across without being demeaning. And honestly? I would have gone back with her. Which is what I gave as an answer. Heee
May 28th, 2009 at 4:55 am
But Jordans are important!!!!
Of course they are.
May 28th, 2009 at 5:07 am
I’m not sure why anyone thinks that approach is acceptable. “Yes baby, you had me at BITCH”
Granted it normally comes after rejection, but how do they know I’m (we’re) not playing hard to get lol.
There go your chances buddy!
EXACTLY!
May 28th, 2009 at 5:07 am
“my picture of a gay club includes raver music infused with europop infused with top 40 hits, half-naked men, drag queens, smoke machines, glitter and flamboyant fun.”
That made me laugh out loud! At work!
I can see how a bar that’s friendly towards the GLBT community is more low-key, but I guess a club, to me, just is kind of a nuttier place. Which goes for the non GLBT community as well.
I’m glad I gave you some giggles
May 28th, 2009 at 5:19 am
AMEN sista!
hee!
May 28th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Great Post, and hits the nail on the head with soooo many points. Men on the DL scares the bejeezus out of me. And I’ll never understand why there are so many *ignant* men out there who think that insulting a woman means she’s gonna hop in the sack with you. Idiots.
I’m just proud to have found one of those handsom, intelligent, and “knows how to treat a woman” men.
I’m glad you found a man like that too. And it’s proof positive that they ARE out there. Yanno?
May 28th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Well, you ARE pretty hot. I can’t say I blame them for talkin’ to you, bitch.
I saw that down low thing on Oprah. WTF?
Hahahahaha.
Also? I just don’t understand the logic either. I know WHY it happens. But I don’t understand it. At all.
May 28th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Ay shawty, can I holla? I mean, I’m married and all, but if I was divorced and gay, I’d want to holla at you, too!
Yeah, this whole DL thing is CRAZY – especially in Atlanta. You’d be surprised at how many men have a wife and kids and a boyfriend on the side. Personally it’s more than annoying to me – it’s dangerous, and it’s putting other people’s lives in harm’s way. I don’t believe that AIDS is a “gay disease” by any means, but let’s face it, there are a lot of gay men that do have AIDS or are HIV positive, but don’t disclose that info to their DL counterparts, which in turn means the DL brings it home to his wife who’s only been faithful to him. Now they’re basically raising soon-to-be orphans.
So yeah, I totally agree. If you’re gay, be who you are and stop trying to be what you think society wants you to be. Screw society – they don’t pay the bills or raise the kids – so there ya go.
I think I love you
May 28th, 2009 at 7:43 am
I had this big comment all typed up but then read some of M’s and didn’t want what I was saying to be misread. But FTR, the first time someone called me “shawty” I was so fucking confused he actually started laughing.
The only person who’s ever hollered “bitch I’m talking to you” is my boyfriend, who I often introduce as “my bitch”.
Equality rules.
You’re not the first to mention that they have either revised, or refrained from commenting for the same reason. I’d love to hear what your original response was.
May 28th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Well, I was going to talk about this book I read by Cora Daniels called Ghetto Nation, which talks about the phenonemon of “ghetto” in the US and how a negative stereotype has become something that many people actually aspire to, regardless of race. The whole cat-calling thing is part of it, but the point you raised about guys who spend “every last dollar sporting the newest Jordans but live at their mama’s house, or have 4.5 kids they aren’t feedin’, or perhaps sport some kind of jewelry in their mouth” reminded me of it.
I don’t think it’s a race thing, so much as a cultural (read: American) thing. There are a lot of white boys out there who think they’re 50 Cent. That said, it does seem like a bigger problem in black communities; having spent a lot of time working in places like Regent Park, Oakland and Uniacke Sqaure, where there are so many misconceptions about the people who live there, I find it really unfortunate how the people who get heard/attention tend to be the ones with the loudest voices, not necessarily the most intelligent things to say. Sometimes the same people who play the racism card are the ones perpetuating an unfair stereotype.
Fiou.
Well said.
May 28th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Dude, I talk about that episode of Oprah to this day. What boggles my mind most is that because they can’t bring themselves to consider their “behind the scenes” action as real sex… they neglect to use protection. Thanks for the AIDS, boys.
Yet another reason why it boils my bubble.
May 28th, 2009 at 10:40 am
You should buy one of those expandable ASPs the cops carry, and when someone is “hitting” on you by calling you a bitch, you should spin around, snap it out, and scream: “I WILL CRUSH YOUR HEAD OPEN AND FUCK YOUR SKULL WITH THIS BATON! THEN I WILL ANALLY RAPE YOU WITH THAT TELEPHONE POLE OVER THERE THAT I, OH YES, WILL PULL DOWN WITH MY TEETH! BECAUSE I *AM* A BITCH MOTHERFUCKER!” Then mace him!
That’s not at all extreme. Nope. Not even a little bit.
May 28th, 2009 at 10:44 am
First of all I want to say I love your blog – I got here via Hope Dies Last and am now hooked
How can anyone think that calling a girl a bitch is a way to get their attention? That is so… wrong!
It really is, isn’t it?!
May 28th, 2009 at 11:23 am
i agree. dont hide behind something you arent. I think its a bs way out of owning your sexuality.
May 28th, 2009 at 11:44 am
Yay! I think I love you too! *e-hugs*
May 29th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
I’m a little late to this party, but I would like to comment on it. As a minority, I do feel like we’re badly stereotyped everywhere we go, but I also feel like it’s our own fault for perpetuating the stereotypes.
Also, I have 2 black gay friends and it never ceases to amaze me how much harder they have it. They encounter horrible comments/looks (mostly from black people) EVERYWHERE they go and people feel the need to actually go up to them and call them “chocolate fags”.
June 1st, 2009 at 10:35 am
Hilarious! For the record, a few years ago when I was heavier in the booty region and living in New York, I had an African American gentleman comment on my abundance of junk in the trunk by yelling things in the street like, “Dang woman, I could work with that!” and other less savoury comments.
Then a few years later and a bunch of pounds lighter I was in Florida and some skinny pasty white guy with a half mullet and probably no teeth pointed at my chest (not ginormous but wearing a tank top that might have been a tad too low) and said to his friend, right in front of me, “Don’t git many o’them to the pound huh?” and laughed like something out of the Beverly Hillbillies.
So I guess rudeness to the ladies comes in all shapes, colours and sizes. I too wonder who the HELL is falling for this shit? Whoever it is probably deserves it.
Agreeeeed.