I Hate Dates
Posted by Deutlich on April 20th, 2009 | Filed under: UncategorizedMaybe I should have clued in when he was 15 minutes late to the place he chose for our date, which was around the corner from his house, while I was not only on time but early. This is significant because no matter how hard I try, I’m late for everything. All the time. My internal clock is set to “take it easy.”
Perhaps my brain should have figured it out when he not only proclaimed how German is wholly unsexy but that he writes a “real” blog for his job. A “real” blog in which he’s actually not written a goddamn thing.
First of all, don’t fucking tell me my language is unsexy while we’re on a goddamn date, you dipshit. It’s pretty safe to say that every German on the planet knows that French is much sexier. That’s just not a fact you want to point out when you’re trying to stick your dick in someone who happens to be of said nationality. Second, don’t act like your shit doesn’t stink over something you write and post on the FUCKING INTERNET.
The worst part, I think, was that he didn’t even realize how ridiculously condescending he was. And frankly, if you’re so conceited you can’t even tell? You’ve got some serious issues.
Last, but certainly not least, his inability to hold his own liquor, his extra decade of “life experience” and bold question, “hey, you’re comin’ over to my house after this, right?” were enough to make me want to choke the shit out of him. If you are so drunk you can’t walk after two mojitos and a beer, I’d like you to exit Stage Left. If you’re a decade older than I am, you damn well better be as hot as Kevin Richardson or your dick won’t breathe an ounce of daylight in a 10-square mile radius of me. And if you really think I’m going to spread my legs for you after a single date, you have very obviously misread all that is Deutlich.
Especially after acting like such a cuntstick.
I understand that I am often too eager to discuss all that is sex. My gchat status has more often than not proclaimed my love for porn. For fuck’s sake, I like to yell loudly about sexual things just to make other people uncomfortable.
But somewhere in this dude’s mind, that translated to being easy. Which is to say he hasn’t paid a lick of attention in the last two and a half years of knowing me.
Ridiculous.
April 20th, 2009 at 7:37 am
Wow.
One more reason why I just don’t think I want to date…lol
Sorry that you had a crappy time…Was the food at least good?
The food was amazing.
April 20th, 2009 at 7:40 am
The stumbly wumblies after three drinks? Oh, that is just embarrassing.
Good riddance, dude.
Considering how much of a lightweight I am? It’s outright ridiculous. Blah.
April 20th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Goodness gracious. Just so very many things wrong in this situation…
I kind of wish I’d been a fly on the wall for this one.
You should’ve seen his face when I dropped his ass off…
April 20th, 2009 at 7:43 am
If you were to bang Kevin Richardson I’d be wicked proud of you.
Likewise, Ben. Likewise. And as far as I understand, the man goes both ways.
April 20th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Damn that sounds terrible. Every blog I read is all about the awesome dates they go on and it makes me all jealous that I’m not single. This post makes me grateful to not be part of the dating scene.
Also, cuntstick may be my new favourite word.
Score!
April 20th, 2009 at 7:46 am
I’m still stunned you were on time!! Everyone has to go through a few horrible dates until they get a good one.
Dude! I was SO on time that the guy at the door kept walking past me to ask when dude was showing up. Speaking of that guy at the door, he was fucking HAWT. And all tattooed. And tall. And buff. And..maybe I need to go back…
April 20th, 2009 at 7:50 am
I’m sorry.
What a fucking asshat.
Yeah dude. At least I know now.
April 20th, 2009 at 7:52 am
i think i went on a date with this guy about 2 months ago.
seriously, i don’t think of myself as a lush or anything…. but the inability for a guy to hold his liquor is just not sexy.
Not at ALL. I feel like a high-roller in comparison to him.
April 20th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Oh, girl. I am sorry. That sucks, but at least you now know what kind of guy he is now.
You know what? You are absolutely right.
April 20th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Did you actually choke the shit out of him? Because that would make a hilarious first date story.
I really should have. But they say black on black violence is bad.
April 20th, 2009 at 8:07 am
What an ass. Love your descriptive words. Very appropriate, I must say!!
well thank you!
April 20th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Yeah, cuntstick is my new favorite word.
I can’t believe he insulted the German language like that right in front of you. It’s like, even if you think that you don’t have to offend somebody. Especially right in front of them. Whatever happened to treating others the way you want to be treated? Especially when you’re trying to get some after the date.
What an ass.
Sometimes cuntstick is just appropriate, eh?
April 20th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Seriously, dating is for squares. I hate it. Someday I’ll just marry someone I already know and skip the dating scene altogether.
See? Now that’s a good idea.
April 20th, 2009 at 9:26 am
i’m just so happy you brought a Backstreet Boys reference into this miserable experience.
And I am super stoked that you picked up on it. Heee!
April 20th, 2009 at 9:34 am
So it it cunt stick or cunt’s tick. I can’t decide which is worse.
Me either. Like Ass Hat or Ass Shat.
April 20th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Stumbling after 3 drinks sound like me.
But at least I’m polite and wouldn’t say those stuff to people
. What a douche.
I just didn’t like that he tried so hard to drink as much as me and then fall over himself. Idiiot.
April 20th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Ah, those are the worst. Sorry to hear it, Deutlich. I think German’s pretty sexy.
Aww, well thank you!!
April 20th, 2009 at 11:03 am
When I was younger I thought Kevin was the worst-looking one (second only to Howie). Now that I’m older I realise he was actually the hottest member. Some things take a little time to appreciate.
You date, however… unfortunately I don’t think there’s any amount of time that could help here.
When I was younger, I thought Nick was the ugliest of the bunch. And now that I’m older? Uh…he’s still the ugliest of the bunch. Hahaha. (Sorry Maxie.)
April 20th, 2009 at 11:04 am
*your date
Frig, I hate when I catch my own typos just a second too late.
Eh, me too. Especially when I’ve posted an entire blog w/a typo. Blah.
April 20th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Those are the nights when I wish I had just stayed home with a bottle of wine and a good book…
Amen.
April 20th, 2009 at 11:34 am
i like your snark
dates suck.
i refuse to date.
dates do suck. unless they’re awesome.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Cuntstick. Do you mind if I use that one?
Two mojitos and a beer? Seriously? And this man is in his 30’s? Don’t know whether to classify that as hilarious or sad quite honestly.
It’s stories like this that remind me of one reason why I like being in a relationship. You don’t have to worry about shit dates.
of course i don’t mind!
April 20th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
wow what an ass. that sounds ridiculous.
At least I could smell it a mile away. It could’ve been disastrous if I were naive.
April 20th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Apparently life experience doesn’t equate to tact. Rough deal.
Apparently.
April 20th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Um, can we do a happy hour so I can hear more of this story? Please?
Oh, of course! But by now I’ve seen you twice since then and have forgotten to mention it on both occasions. Ha!
April 20th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
at least you go on dates!
can we please further discuss this next time you are available on gchat? thanks.
of COURSE we can.
April 20th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Mmm. Kevin Richardson. God, why did he quit BSB?
In other news, he sounds like a total douche. Cut your losses.
I don’t know, but I want him back! It’s just not the same w/out Kevin.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Wow. He really does sound ridiculous.
I hope you sent him packing with a few choice words because guys like that? They suck, and they never change.
Guys like that really do suck. Donkey balls.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Oh god. He sounds like a gem.
A total gem. Total. Haha
April 20th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
What an asshat.
I had someone announce that the last woman he dated was a German so, of course, she was cold. I told him I was 1/2 German. He didn’t know what to say.
Yeah.
Some people are just stupid.
April 20th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I agree with #30 – ASSHAT.
And as I’m sure you already know, nothing wrong with loving porn. And being cozy with your sexuality.
That’s exactly how I feel!
April 20th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
PS. For the people who speak French, we all know Portuguese is sexier.
Hahahaha. That’s fantastic.
April 21st, 2009 at 6:57 am
Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh what a douchebag! And yes, I loved “cuntstick” too! I’m going to file that with “asshat” and “fucktard”! Bwhahahaha!
Score!
April 21st, 2009 at 7:48 am
He sounds like a major douche. I had it when people make broad generalizations/offensive comments about certain cultural groups. Its like please stfu!
Absolutely. Bugs the hell outta me.
April 21st, 2009 at 9:16 am
I’ll take Howie.
So, has he asked you out for a second date yet? He probably will, you know.
I love that you know who Howie is. And I’m also not so much surprised. I have a lot of friends who are huge Howie fans that you remind me of. ha!
April 21st, 2009 at 10:03 am
I love your blog. Hilarious. I can’t believe you lasted more than one drink with this guy! How did you meet him?
Aw, thanks! And I swear if I didn’t know him from back when he worked at my organization – I would’ve been gone a lot quicker.
April 21st, 2009 at 10:17 am
For real! Sometimes it amazes me the number of douches that are out there, none of which look half as good as Kevin in the “Quit Playing Games” video. Hmph.
Oh, Kevin. How I love thee.
April 21st, 2009 at 10:22 am
You write this as if he reads your blog. DOES HE! What fun!
I did give him the address a while ago – but I HIGHLY doubt he reads it. Although, if he does?
Oops.
April 21st, 2009 at 11:08 am
Ugh – like Seinfeld once said: 90% of the world is undateable.
Pretty good estimate. I’m sure.
April 21st, 2009 at 12:31 pm
To you, my love, I say… NEXT!!!
and @Chris 90%? You’re being generous.
Ha!
April 21st, 2009 at 1:27 pm
hindsight is always 20/20 isn’t it? Gah men. I can’t even bring myself to date anymore; 2 and a half years of bad dates is just a bit much and this is EXACTLY why.
NEXT.
I swear, dating is just lame.
April 21st, 2009 at 5:43 pm
ditto! do men ever try anymore?
I have NO idea. But I sure as shit hope so.
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:08 am
Holy shit. Some fuckstick asked you out based on your blog and thought you’d be an easy lay who didn’t give a shit?
REALLY? REALLY? My mind, it is blown.
That dude is grade-a special. He asked me out based on his desire to stick his peen in my vag and then decided to be an asshat all night. Slick.
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Good riddance to THAT loser. Maybe the first hint that you were way better than him was when he ordered two mojitos. Maybe it’s just me, but I have never considered that a very manly drink.
You and me both.
April 24th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Aww hell naw. Screw that dude. What an asshat! And the holding your liquor thing? Seriously guy, come on. And liking a good (or bad) porno from time to time, does not mean that you’re gonna give it up, especially to someone who’s too drunk to perform.
Deutlich, I like you.
Awww, well thank you!
April 24th, 2009 at 8:11 am
For the record, I hate French. I think German is *much* sexier.
Bad dates are such a morale crusher. There should be some social code that says if a date sucks you can escape guilt free after 30 minutes. You know, instead of sticking around till you’re drunk enough to make out with the loser anyway, even though he sort of makes your skin crawl. Not that I know this from experience or anything.
Blah. He was just such an idiot. Like WOAH.
April 27th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Ergh. CREEP!!! He certainly put the ASS in ASSumptive.
Douchebag.
April 27th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Good Lord. I have to say, out of all the Match.com dates I’ve been on, no guy has ever been a jerk and then ASSUMED we were spending the night together. That puts the term “bad date” into an entirely different perspective.