Maybe I should have clued in when he was 15 minutes late to the place he chose for our date, which was around the corner from his house, while I was not only on time but early. This is significant because no matter how hard I try, I’m late for everything. All the time. My internal clock is set to “take it easy.” 

Perhaps my brain should have figured it out when he not only proclaimed how German is wholly unsexy but that he writes a “real” blog for his job. A “real” blog in which he’s actually not written a goddamn thing. 

First of all, don’t fucking tell me my language is unsexy while we’re on a goddamn date, you dipshit. It’s pretty safe to say that every German on the planet knows that French is much sexier. That’s just not a fact you want to point out when you’re trying to stick your dick in someone who happens to be of said nationality. Second, don’t act like your shit doesn’t stink over something you write and post on the FUCKING INTERNET.

The worst part, I think, was that he didn’t even realize how ridiculously condescending he was. And frankly, if you’re so conceited you can’t even tell? You’ve got some serious issues. 

Last, but certainly not least, his inability to hold his own liquor, his extra decade of “life experience” and bold question, “hey, you’re comin’ over to my house after this, right?” were enough to make me want to choke the shit out of him. If you are so drunk you can’t walk after two mojitos and a beer, I’d like you to exit Stage Left. If you’re a decade older than I am, you damn well better be as hot as Kevin Richardson or your dick won’t breathe an ounce of daylight in a 10-square mile radius of me. And if you really think I’m going to spread my legs for you after a single date, you have very obviously misread all that is Deutlich.

Especially after acting like such a cuntstick.

I understand that I am often too eager to discuss all that is sex. My gchat status has more often than not proclaimed my love for porn. For fuck’s sake, I like to yell loudly about sexual things just to make other people uncomfortable.

But somewhere in this dude’s mind, that translated to being easy. Which is to say he hasn’t paid a lick of attention in the last two and a half years of knowing me.

Ridiculous.