Houston, We Have A Problem
Posted by Deutlich on March 23rd, 2009 | Filed under: UncategorizedRemember back when I told y’all I didn’t like sex?
Mostly, that was true. Except what I should have really said is that I don’t like BAD sex, which makes up about 95% of what I’ve had if “bad” were to equal “sex I’ve had that didn’t lead to an orgasm.” I mean, an orgasm for myself. Obviously.
I couldn’t care less if the other person(s) involved got off or not.
I kid!
(Mostly)
I’ve been known to go years without any sexy time. YEARS. Because I am anal retentive and scared as fuck about catching some nasty STI. Yes, I know condoms help but they sure as fuck do not protect against every thing.
So, my problem is that I need to know someone well enough to trust them when they tell me they’ve been tested recently. And yes, I definitely ask.
Always.
Now, ever since this motherfuckin’ too damn beautiful for words chiropractor has been puttin’ his hands on my ass and spreading my legs in funky ways to get my bones to move, I have been on the prowl. And by “on the prowl” I really mean “horny as fuck.”
Kids. I am not accustom to this and it is bugging the hell out of me.
While he’s been on the flirty side and I’ve caught him staring at both my ass and my tits, he is my damn doctor. My very own incredibly sexy, tall, dark-haired, blue eyed, chizeled, real live Dr. McSteamy.
Don’t believe me?
Well let me paint a picture for you:
[PICTURE REMOVED]
Wanna know how I got a hold of that? We’re motherfuckin’ Facebook friends. Because, yes, I am a tool and I friended him. And he’s a damn tool because he actually accepted the request.
Do y’all have any idea what I would do to this man if left to my own devices?
Whatever you’re thinking, multiply it by eleventy. I’m talking whips and chains and stilettos and lace and swings and leather and rug burns in places you couldn’t even think a rug burn would exist.
I can not get the idea of jumping on this man’s dick out of my head. For fuck’s sake, I had a damn dream about it and woke up from the goddamn orgasm.
I shit you not.
There is, of course, another catch. The man has a new girlfriend. And I KNOW BETTER than to fuck around with folks like that because I’ve DONE IT sixty katrillion times and IT NEVER ENDS WELL.
But tell that to my fucking vagina. Because she refuses to listen to me.
Oh, and I guess should have warned you this post would be chalked full of TMI, but you should know that’s just not how I work.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Damn woman! You’ve got me all wound up.
He is a looker, and the things that go on to fix that neck of yours…yum…I think I need a chiro, too!!
And he’s tall. And he’s s-mart. And he goes on medical missions. And he smells good. And good god I need to stop.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Of COURSE he has a new girlfriend. Of course…
I think you need a good FWB. And now.
And I am so sorry that you’ve had bad sex. Seriously? I’ve only had it twice…and REALLY REALLY OMG IM NEVER HAVING SEX sex once.
But you know what I did?
Got right back on that horse. Heh. Horse.
You & I…let’s meet. Let me find you a good time.
And yes, I totally just offered to pimp you out.
Don’t judge me.
Oh hon.. how on EARTH could I possibly judge you with all the shit I just wrote in my blog? Fer real. And I don’t know what FWB means, but if it has anything to do w/me getting laid I’m all about it.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
If the gf is new it might not work out. I say as soon as they break up, you jump on that. Well, not literally, I say you ask the boy out, and then find a new chiropractor, because that would be weird, and probably illegal.
I probably should’ve gotten a new chiropractor RIGHT away…. but ha!
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:27 pm
hahahaha oh wowwww. What makes you not jump him already?:P
he’s my doctor! and i’m chickenshit scared. because I am The Lame.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I vote you finish up your time with the guy…how much longer do you have?
And then you just say when you leave, “Hey. I know you have a gf, but if you guys ever break up and want to grab a drink send me a message.”
That way it’s not awkward b/c you don’t have to see him anymore and you’re not stepping on anyone’s toes. doctors can’t legally date their patients anyway.
win-win-win.
That’s pretty much the same conclusion I came to. Except there’s one minor hitch – I am a total pansy. White men are a breed of people that I have not yet been able to understand and….yeah.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:36 pm
This whole post: Daaaaa-aaaamn!
Also, you better watch out for him. I *totally* judge people by their Facebook pics, and if that dude has THAT picture in his Facebook, I bet he wouldn’t mind stepping out for a night on the GF. (I could be wrong. But prob not.)
I <3 you. But that is NOT helping me just remain cool and collected like a normal person…
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Wow. He is…wow.
New doesn’t mean love of his life. Give it a few weeks.
Hahahaha. I wish I were patient like that.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Really, forreal, I LOVE that you are your DOCTOR’S FACEBOOK FRIEND, and that you took one of his pictures and POSTED IT ON YOUR BLOG.
Well, I’m facebook friends with my high school physics and calculus teacher I had a HUGE crush on. Like, fantasies-about-gettin’-some-on-the-desk kind of crush.
I want to tell you to TOTALLY try to make a move on him! Like Maxie says.
I wish I wasn’t such a pansy ass about it or else I WOULD! Dear goodness.
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Wow.
I hurt my back too.
In DC.
Yeah.
Can I get his number?
Oh, for you? Yes. I would totally share.
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
i don’t believe you posted a pic of your chiro on your blog!! OMG!
Oh please. You HAD to know that was coming.
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:32 pm
yum. yum. yum. dayyyyum.
Uhm. Yes.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:26 pm
i hate when me and my vagina get into conflicts
girl, you and me both.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:36 pm
I’m not that picky about sex, though I’ve also gone years without it (voluntarily!). I usually have fun even if I don’t orgasm.
Maybe you can take out your sexual attraction on your chiropractor on some other lucky man?
I highly doubt it, considering how damn picky I am. Meh.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Oh my goodness this made me laugh out loud. And I read the post out to Nick who also laughed out loud. I’m sorry about your frustration… self gratification doesn’t help? I can’t believe you friended him! HA. Awesome.
Jo! I used the BIGGEST PIECE OF EQUIPMENT I OWN and it STILL DIDN’T WORK. I need real manmeat.
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:34 pm
I have no words…only drooling…wiping keyboard as I type this…
Oh, I so so understand the drooling. Good lord do I ever.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I can’t believe I’m typing this, but you had me intrigued until you blogged this.
Your doctor looks like the Mexican singer Cristian Castro…ew…
I have no idea who that is
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:53 pm
he’s yummy.
I think you know that I agree.
March 24th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Sometimes you just gotta rub one out and call it good.
Sweetheart. I DID rub one out. And it took me TWENTY more minutes than it was supposed to. And I was still hot and bothered after. Basically, it didn’t work.
March 24th, 2009 at 6:09 am
well, cant say that I blame you. thats one hot peice of manmeat right there!!!!
Uhm. Yes.
March 24th, 2009 at 7:10 am
FWB MEANS FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS.
I have no idea why I left that all in caps but I’m too lazy to go back and change it.
Ha! I’m slow.
March 24th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Yowza. I can see the conundrum.
Me too.
March 24th, 2009 at 8:09 am
TMI is a dish best served “unwarned”.
You know what *I* think you should do…
Oh yes. Yes I do.. haha
March 24th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Can you imagine if either he or the girlfriend reads your blog? Your next appointment could be very interesting (hopefully in the best possible way).
You would mention something along those lines.. now my paranoia is peaked. Wooh. Either way, if that were to happen? Oh well. I’m just speaking the truth.
March 24th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Exactly! Open the door a little, see what happens. You could even send him the link to your blog, were you so inclined.
Oh man, I bet that’d scare the shit out of him before it actually helped the situation along… *ahem*
March 24th, 2009 at 8:46 am
hahaha!
I love that you posted his pic on your blog. Also, what the hell going on in that picture?
It was some marketing photo that god only knows who took for god only knows what. There were others where he was treating some chick’s leg and blah blah blah.
March 24th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Oh dear.
It actually sort of sounds like he might like you a little bit too?
I’m not facebook friends with my doctor. Of course, he’s like 60 and stuff but still.
Either that, or I am totally, totally off my rocker. Which could be true.
March 24th, 2009 at 11:57 am
OmG! Wait!
Does your facebook profile include your blog because WHAT IF he looks at it and comes here and sees how you feel and next time you see him, he’s all “I think I need to adjust you with my internal probe…???”
HA! I wish! No, but seriously? I don’t link to my FB. Blah, that would be bad.
March 24th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
NSFW!!
Hehe! I think I’m blushing…
Definitely NSFW.. hahaha
March 24th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I’ve had similar issues lately (not involving hot doctor) but non-the-less it’s made straddling a fence seem worth while.
Uhm. Absolutely.
March 24th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
OH MY.
Oh my oh my oh my.
Get on that NOW.
I’m workin’ on it. Ohhhh man am I workin’ on it.
March 24th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
new gf does not = LASTING gf. i have faith you’ll end up straddling him
ha! i appreciate that.
March 24th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Holy. Fuck.
That is all.
Come visit! We can have a threesome…
March 24th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
well you better bag him or someone else real soon and get it out of your system! otherwise get yerself a good vibrator and hit it!
I HAVE a good vibrator! Several of them! But ’twas not enough. I need the real thing.
March 24th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Is there a way to comment on something just to say I’m speechless?
Also, what do you call “blue balls” for women? …pink…ovaries…?
sore clit? no.. no.. that doesn’t work either..
March 25th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Damn girl, no wonder you want to jump his bones!
Here’s what I suggest: Before your next appointment, have a few shots of whatever gives you liquid courage. Then go in and tell him that this is going to be your last appointment. When he asks why (which he will) tell him exactly what you told all of us…and cross your fingers that he throws you on the table and really works you out, if you know what I mean.
You know what? I think I’ll definitely drink a few bacardi cokes right before my last appt and then do almost exactly that. The office is too open, and he has too many appointments, for that exact scenario to play out. But. Uhm. Yes. I gotta say SOMEthing. Dear goodness.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:18 am
Um, wow. Why doesn’t MY doctor look like that??? I guess I need to shop around!
March 25th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
yeah i think i’d be having the same issues if i had a doctor like that. oh wow.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
omg omg omg omg omg hot hot hot!
here is my advice:
jump on him. and then say sorry afterwards. because that fixes everything.
or maybe just jump on him anyway.
March 27th, 2009 at 9:14 am
You’re FB friends with your chiropractor. And he looks like an effing greek God. Just plain damn.
March 28th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Wowsers. I can understand your conundrum, because, just wow. What’s his face like when he smiles?
March 29th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Dude, he’s HAWT! Aaaand… that’s all. HOT. HOT. HOT.
March 29th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Geez! That post made me feel frustrated FOR you!!!
April 1st, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Yeah bad sex is not even worth it. I rather eat a sandwich.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:22 am
OH! THAT’S your chiropractor? wow. (i know the picture is removed but i saw it earlier)