Old as Dirt
Posted by Deutlich on February 25th, 2009 | Filed under: UncategorizedUhm. I’m about 99% sure that a few of you read that last post and went, “oh no – not this shit again.” Because I’m pretty sure I’ve felt this way, like, 4 times in the last six months. And then blogged about it. Because I’m a loserface like that.
So, thanks for stickin’ around anyway. Even when I’m not being particularly sparkly.
And for what it’s worth, the bigger issue at the moment is that life is being weird and it’s affecting everything and blah blah blah I’ll shut the hell up now. I just needed to let it out.
On to more interesting things. Like my age.
I’m getting OLD.
Ever since that BOCA sponsored spa night thingy, I have had the most unbearable neck and upper back pain. Do you realize how much fun it is to drive a stick-shift and check rearview mirrors for on-coming traffic when you can’t even blink to the left without your neck screaming bloody fuckin’ murder?
No?
You should try it some time. I ensure you it is pleasantly unpleasant.
Like a good girl, I took myself to the doctor’s office. Specifically one that deals with pain and injuries.
Best. Idea. Ever.
My doctor? He is HOT. Like, on blazing fire HOT. Who told people to make babies with blue eyes and black hair that turn into grown ass adults with blue eyes and black hair and then turn me into a big puddle of goo?
I’d like to have a word with them, please.
And while it’s fun to focus on how pretty that man is, I’ll try to pretend that his huge muscles didn’t make me feel like a lazy asshole for not going to the gym. Since December.
For a week I blamed it on “woman issues” but I’m thinking sixty-five days later that excuse has run it’s course.
So anyway. Y’all wanna know how often I have to go back to that doctor? Of course you do.
THREE TIMES A WEEK.
FOR A MONTH.
I’ve turned into my grandmother overnight and this realization has smacked me in the face like a brick.
I was hoping that he would be a miracle worker and fix me in a day, but this sort’ve thing takes time and patience and work. None of which I care to deal with.
While jabbing his huge fingers into my back he rotated my arm in a manner that I expect was meant to help relieve some of the pain. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I have some tig ole bitties. Which basically just means that in his attempt to move my arms in semi-circles, they got in the way. It’s kind of awkward having a hot doctor squish your own arm against your own boob.
And THEN he had some wiry (but also very pretty) guy hook me up to this contraption that pulses electricity into my muscles. It was like shock treatment for my back. I felt like a science project gone wrong.
It was the weirdest damn feeling I’ve had in my life. And worst of all, it caused me to have gas. Lucky for the other guy in the room, I am a lady and hold that in until in private.
…Which made the car ride home pretty interesting. Kinda like a moving dutch oven.
Splendid.
February 25th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Actually, yes, I do know what it’s like driving a stick shift while unable to move my neck. But I sold my car, and did away with my car payment, and insurance, and parkign, and driving …
I don’t think I could live without my car. The idea in and of itself gives me hives.
February 25th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Bahahahaha I know ALL too well about the moving dutch oven. Also, dental surgeons? HOTTEST DAMN BICEPS I’VE EVER SEEN. I want to get my wisdom teeth out again.
that man MUST be hot if you’d be willing to let him rip TEETH OUT OF YOUR HEAD again.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:08 am
I’m glad I’m not the only one that gets gassy with electric shock therapy! I only had it done once–you’re right, it’s a totally weird feeling–and it made me want to fart like a guy. At least you only have to go for a month, but don’t stop midway through if you want it to go away completely. I had to go three to four times a week for six months but my insurance ran out after three months. I still have pain and mobility issues.
Just think, that’s three times a week you get to have Dr. McHotterson’s hands all over you! That oughta be enough to make it through the next month of appointments.
It would be, if he weren’t so freaking intimidating! that man is ALL MUSCLES. Yikes.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:15 am
You gave yourself a dutch oven?!?!? That’s awesome. I mean, I’m so sorry for you.
Isn’t it great getting older? I had never been to the emergency room until I was 25, now I’ve been there three times in the past five years. Good times!
I’m officially sick of getting older. Everything was SO MUCH EASIER a decade ago.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:20 am
Oh that thing where the look you up and there’s electrodes and everything? That thing is brilliant. I have chronic back pain and I swear, if I could have one of those in my house I would.
It felt so, so, soooo weird.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Giggling = yes.
I did the electronic thing for my knee. I didn’t really notice any difference. Or gassiness. But then again, it was just my knee.
What is it about black hair and blue eyes that’s droolworthy? I need to try that combination next time I date.
I’m hoping if they ever did it to my knee that it wouldn’t cause gas in any way.. And I HAVE NO clue. But good god it should be made illegal. Dark hair + light eyes = droolworthy.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:41 am
Hahahaha “a moving dutch oven”…
Here’s my confession: I have a lady doctor, not because I feel more comfortable with another woman checking out my lady parts, but because I hate the thought that I could get a hot doctor and then he’d have to see me when I’m all sick and gross.
Yes. I am the most narcissistic individual on the planet.
I’m not used to the civilian health care system because I’m a military brat. With that in mind, I don’t have a general practitioner… but I’m not sure I’d care if he were a guy. Most doctors are fugly.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:49 am
i’ve had that electro-thing done to my back before. I don’t remember the gas, but I do remember it feeling super weird. I also had some kind of deep tissue ultrasound thing done too which I wish I could’ve taken with me and kept in my back pocket. Hope you feel better!
Thanks, Lily! I hope the pain goes away asap.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:56 am
I love having hot doctors. My previous dentist was adorable. I haven’t looked for a new dentist since I moved because it would just feel like cheating.
But what if you need your teeth fixed?!
February 25th, 2009 at 7:00 am
Tee-hee. Me, too! Ladies just don’t fart. Check this, I have NEVER heard my mom fart before. WTF? She’s a pro. I hold farts in but I hear it can travel to your brain and cause you to talk shit. So, I let it rip and blame it on the kids.
Hot doc? Nice! No complaints here.
I find it immensely amusing that so many folks still act as though we don’t fart, just because we have ovaries.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Neck pain sucks! I’ve been working on fixing mine for several months now. I tried massages but I needed more. Now I see a chriopractor and stretch a lot, and concentrate on my posture. It’s feeling sooo much better, but still parts are tight and sore. I found this site very helpful.
http://www.healthline.com/blogs/exercise_fitness/2006/10/fixing-upper-back-and-neck-pain.html
Good luck, hope you’re feeling some relief soon!!
Thanks for the web tip, Jenniti!
February 25th, 2009 at 7:11 am
I haven’t been to the gym in about 8 years.
Wait, does High School gym class count as the gym???
HS gym definitely does not count.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Where is this hot doctor so I can “injure” myself and go for a visit? I too am getting old.
And you are NOT a loserface!!
In Arlington! Right off of 10th St and Washington.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Bahhh I hate getting old. I wake up with neck pains on the regular. Is this the point in life where I’m supposed to buy some expensive fancy pillow because my aging body can’t take my normal one anymore? I hate this nonsense.
I want one of those pillows. Two, actually. One for my head, the other for in between my knees.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:47 am
You’re not getting old…But if you continue to think that way as well as not getting some exercise (have you quit smoking yet?), you’re going to get a lot older a lot faster than the rest of us. It’s never too late to get back on the wagon you know. Get your health back in order, and get thee back into the gym. Your stronger, healthier body will thank you!
I quit smoking almost last year… I don’t even remember the last time I bought a pack. I’ll cheat when I drink, but never more than one or two. And I don’t drink THAT often. And yes…I know about the gym. I need to work on that. It’s just easier said than done.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Now I feel old, too. I think reading this post just made me realize I’ve had arthritis for years.
oh no!
February 25th, 2009 at 7:57 am
i felt the oldest at 29. Afraid to turn the dreaded 30. but you know, turning 30 was like turning 23, and 24 etc….its really all in the mind. Enjoy your youth! I’m 33 and I still feel 18! Except I have a good job, a nice car, and live on my own! Bonus!
I’m not that young to call it my “youth” anymore.. Not until I’m 60. Then I can call 27 my youth.
February 25th, 2009 at 8:00 am
I’m getting old… I discovered a grey hair this morning when I walked past the mirror.
Brilliant, am going senile at the age of 15.
You’re 15?! I want to hear nothing of you thinking you’re old, missy.
February 25th, 2009 at 8:26 am
I’ve had back problems since I was 18. It’s got nothing to do with age and everything to do with genetics. Or just bad luck.
In other words, you’re not old babe. And I’m glad you’ve got a hot doctor to rehabilitate you
Then again, if I sit still for a long time my knees literally start to ache, so clearly, I am internally 80 years old.
I was just gonna say – mayhaps we’re both old and you just have one up on me?
February 25th, 2009 at 8:53 am
It’s so nice to have your body manipulated by attractive medical professionals, isn’t it? If they’re going to touch you, let them be hot! Case in point: I’ve never been into blond men, but I always experience indecent thoughts about my pretty dentist, when he moves his fingers around in my mouth.
Dentists scare me.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:17 am
At least it didn’t feel like a moving cleveland steamer.
That could get messy.
That visual squicks me out
February 25th, 2009 at 9:42 am
lol! I was trying to picture the hot doctor and the other guy when suddenly…you made imagine yourself farting (is the word fart politically correct?
) in your car! And…
I am eating lunch right now, you biatch!
eh, who needs political correctness in the land of the Deutlich?
February 25th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I’m alllll for hot doctors!
My dad had to get shock therapy recently… I wonder if it gave HIM gas, too?
Ask him!
February 25th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Kinda like a moving dutch oven.
And THIS is why we’re friends.
hellll yes.
February 25th, 2009 at 10:10 am
well at least it’s a hot doctor you have to keep seeing right? and not like in the movies the most unattractive huge women with crazy names that beat the crap out of your back. right?
I still can’t tell if it’s better or worse that he’s hot.
February 25th, 2009 at 10:48 am
See, I don’t go to the doctor’s, even though I probably should. My back has been killing me but I’m trying to remedy it myself by working out 5 times a week. If that doesn’t help, I’ll HAVE to drag my ass to the doctor.
And if you’re old as dirt, I guess that makes me … I don’t know. What’s older than dirt?
You should go to the dr. BEFORE working out to make sure you don’t make it worse, hon!
February 25th, 2009 at 11:02 am
I wish I had a hot doctor, only old farts treating me. Wait, my dentist could count as hot. And my optometrist but I only go there every second year for the check-up.
As for aging: Wait until you’ve passed 35 (I am turning 38 soon). How fast you lose all your stamina, muscles, flexibility once you stop working out, and how long it takes to get back to your old level. When all your joints hurt after you’ve been sitting too long in the same position …. when you need 2 days to recover from a night out with too much booze/no sleep.
Or when I see a really hot guy and realize he must be at least 12 yrs younger than me, and probably won’t be interested in “elder women”. Not talking about the grey hair, thanks to my hairdresser.
20-something seems like REALLY young then.
But I don’t complain, other things have become a lot better, compared to my twenties.
I guess we’ll see, eh? haha
February 25th, 2009 at 11:25 am
At least he’s hot… my doctor (or pa) is no where near hot. he’s actually the opposite of hot.
I promise it’s better that way.
February 25th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Okay, I’m 18 and my knees and hips are awful, but my ankles are worse. Blame the running (up to 16 km a day!) and the ballet. Ugh.
Not to mention I get colds all the time, I have agastritis and I have sugar regulation problems. Yeah, I’m like 60 or something.
Oh wow. That’s.. a lot to cope with!
February 25th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Heheheheh OK, the gas thing totally made me giggle. And I am totally jealous of your hot doctor. I may or may not have a serious doctor fantasy… shiver.
Hmm… good to know! Hahaha. You should come visit mine.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
OK, that was a really mean comment in that I did not even pause to say: I’m sorry you are dealing with back pain and have to go to the doctor so much
it wasn’t mean! don’t worry!
February 25th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
You hot boxed your car, only in bad way.
a very, very bad way
February 25th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Thumbs down on pain, thumbs up on hot doctor with lots of musckles.
And as to the second paragraph – where exactly is it written that blogs have to be sparkly all the time? (says the girl guilty of the same mentality…)
February 25th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
HA! Moving dutch oven! I love it.
Oh and at least you get to see hot doctor heaps.
But then he’ll think you’re falling apart and getting old…
never mind.
I know! Total catch 22.
February 25th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
classy lady…lol
I would like more posts about hot dr’s please.. and how he puts his hands all over you
February 26th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Okay, the last post gave me the sads. But this post made me laugh because 1. the boob thing and 2. Hot Doctor.
WHY are you complaining about having to see this fine specimen three times a week!? You might…. you know, “play doctpr”!
Which brings me to my second point – you don’t like sex? Really?? Why?
I mean, granted, sometimes it sucks, but sometimes it’s awesome! Well, mostly just the orgasms. But the orgasms are awesome!
I’ve only ever had 2 that weren’t drug induced.. so i can’t say that an orgasm factors in that often.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:50 am
ok..i was all set to leave a comment about the hot docs at your drs. office but then you had to hit me with the morning dutch oven line.
classic.
thanks for making me laugh. :]
you’re very welcome