My Spine Sucks and I Thank It
Posted by Deutlich on February 27th, 2009 | Filed under: UncategorizedNew Rule: Chiropractors Must Be Fugly
Picture a man with the body of a rugby player. Now picture that he’s also tall, with the aforementioned black hair and blue eyes.
Hot?
Right. Of course he’s hot. Anyone who’s shaking their head in disagreement right now has no soul and eats slugs for breakfast. I’m not sure we should even be blog friends anymore.
Anyhow.
Look, it’s hard enough being twisted into a pretzel and have some random dude’s hands all over your ass when he’s an Ugly McFugly. But when the doctor manipulating you in ways you can’t even properly fathom is beautiful? Like, out of this world gorgeous? With major 5 o’clock shadow?
Well.
That’s enough to make my little head explode.
I have seriously gotten more action from this man than I’ve gotten in real life in months. Maybe I shouldn’t admit to that. But he, literally, had to climb on top of me to maneuver my bones and I had to do everything in my power to stare at the ceiling.
I just wish I’d gotten a little more warning about the procedure. Being that this is my first real experience with a chiropractor, I really had no idea what was coming. And since it was scheduled right after work, I obviously had my professional attire on.
People, do not wear corduroys and heels to the chiropractor. At least not when the pants squish your lady bits all damn day. You see, there’s this phenomena that occurs when you have clothing wrapped tightly against the natural creases in your body. Like armpits, knees and – well – your “area.”
So while Dr. McHotty’s face was dangerously close to my shiz, I was hoping for two things.
1) Please don’t let my pants rip. Please don’t let my pants rip. PLEASE do not let my pants rip.
2) Please don’t have sweaty crotch. Please don’t have sweaty crotch. PLEASE do not have sweaty crotch.
When he was finished with this particular procedure I joked lightly about my relief at my pants still being in tact. And then he had to go and be funny!
Motherfucker.
Here he was making slick comments about how he’s only ripped two pairs of pants, you know, at least through chiropractic services.
Hint hint.
And here’s me, giggling like a damn school girl. GIGGLING. Nonstop. For pretty much the remainder of the visit.
You don’t even want to know how badly I laughed when he showed me the exercises I need to do on on of those big, rubber exercise balls. It deals with a lot of swiveling of the hips which just made me picture all kinds of dirty things.
Oh, and on the drive to DC after? You’d better believe I double checked that my girly bits weren’t emanating anything they shouldn’t have.
Don’t worry. They weren’t.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:55 am
Is THAT what goes on at the chiropractor? Hot damn. I thought they just kind of crack your back and send you on your merry way.
They do! By hugging you and pulling up, climbing on top and using a knee to push down, twisting you into weird pretzel-like shapes, etc and so on.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:56 am
I’ve always been more worried that I was going to fart at the chiropractor. And now that would be embarrassing.
I have to admit, I was a bit worried those electrodes would make me gassy again, but no. This time I was just given massive camel toe and freaked out about that. Yikes.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Jebus. MY girly-bits are emanating just reading about this.
Ben. I want you to come to Arlington and accompany me to this doctor. Please. PLEASE. You have to see this man in living color.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:59 am
wow, there is just so much wrong here I don’t know what to say. I mean camel toe references, slug eating, and natural female wetness! My Friday is now complete. Thank you.
INDUCED camel toe, for that matter. That shit HURT.
February 27th, 2009 at 6:05 am
I had a hot general practicioner who had his hands up my shirt once… unfortunately it was just to check my breathing.
See. That? That wouldn’t work for me. I would giggle inappropriately like it were my job.
February 27th, 2009 at 6:17 am
You are too funny. I used to go to the chiropractor to get adjustments and it wasn’t nearly as exciting as your visits. Is it helping yet?
It actually is! I still have neck pain, but the back feels better.
February 27th, 2009 at 6:17 am
More importantly! How is your spine feeling?
Better, actually. Thanks for asking.
February 27th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Hott doctors are few and far between. You so lucky!
I’m not sure I can call this luck. but thanks none the less!
February 27th, 2009 at 6:49 am
does he wear a ring? please say no.
also. my back is starting to hurt… i think i need to go see him.
Uhm. Yes. Yes you do. You NEED to see him.
February 27th, 2009 at 6:58 am
So once your sessions are done, are you going to fake back pain and try to go back to him?
Oh. Of course.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:09 am
What about when you’re at the gym, and you obviously are WAY out of shape, and you have hot coachs? Hot coachs that see you sweaty and stinky and totally out of shape?
*sigh*
Wait. What’s a gym?
Ha!
I keed! I Keed!
February 27th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Hot damn!
I’m moving to your neck of the woods and will request you hit me in the back with a baseball bat (ala “There’s Something About Mary”). I’d like his style of treatment. Are you willing to share?
Oh. Of course I’m willing to share. And then we can gossip about him after.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:30 am
you made me lol w/the sweaty crotch! I mean, its totally normal, but yet, it makes you worry!
oh. yes. with the worry and the freaking out and the worry.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:44 am
You were still in a daze at the bar last night for like, an hour. It was hilarious
A daze is a good way to put it. It was ridiculous. Like I’d actually gotten some action or something. Good grief.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:57 am
So now I need to find me a sexy chiropractor.
Uhm. Yes.
February 27th, 2009 at 8:09 am
You need to stop seeing him immediately and get another doctor and then call his office and tell him that you got another doctor so you would no longer be his client. Hence, you’re free to date him.
Oh goodness.. there’s no way in hell a man like that would date a chick like me. ha! it’s just the whole gym addiction he has that I definitely don’t possess.
February 27th, 2009 at 8:11 am
i’m dying at the title of this post. too funny.
you’ve mentioned that he has dark hair and blue eyes, so i keep picturing Kevin (from BSB) in a doctor’s coat and, now, i’m the one SWOONING.
that’s EXACTLY what he looks like. Just a whole, whole lot more muscular. And since Kevin is and always will be my favorite BSB member.. you can imagine why i’m having such a hard time with this.
February 27th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Oh no, Honey – he WANTED to climb on top of you! I’ve been to a few Chiros, and they have never been on top of me whilst I was in the supine position – they just don’t do that cause there’s really no need. But alas fair Deutlich, you brought the freak out of him with your mirrored hotness! You go Girl!
PS – Share Chiro-freak’s number. My “back” seems to be hurting today. I think I need an office visit. ; )
Don’t tell me that! I don’t need to know this! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
February 27th, 2009 at 8:21 am
I don’t know whether to be sympathetic or jealous.
Sympathy. I’m totally going for sympathy here.
February 27th, 2009 at 8:56 am
I’ve always wanted to go to a chiropractor.
Now I want to go even more.
Yes. Yes. do it.
February 27th, 2009 at 9:00 am
were you really just talking about crotch rot? HAHAHA
Alexa. By now I would hope t hat you knew me better than to ask such a question. OF COURSE I DID. And also? My crotch doesn’t rot. It always smells of roses. Always. . .
February 27th, 2009 at 9:04 am
A chiropractor making sexual innuendos? Seems perfectly normal to me.
Uhm. He still needs to stop. being. so. hot.
February 27th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Haha! Now wouldn’t that be a romantic story to tell if you and said chiropracter became an item
February 27th, 2009 at 10:20 am
I will perhaps be revisiting some of these images later tonight when I go to bed. So THANK YOU, in advance!
February 27th, 2009 at 11:12 am
My last girlie doctor was a hot, tall/dark/handome young man. AWKWARD.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:15 am
bwahahahah! best story ever!
i’m so glad i book marked your new site. well, not so new anymore. gotta play catch up now. i missed reading you:)
February 27th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
So I’m really happy for you, what with the hot doctor and all. But I really want to mention that I just went back and read your post from yesterday about the stuffed dinosaur (stuffed!) and ohmigawd thank you! I can’t stop giggling. Seriously, you made my day.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
How come my Chiro is a skinny little white Jewish boy from New York with a chest so thin it’s concave and a negative attitude? Your Chiro sounds like my podiatrist…he’s so hot that I wish he was my GYN.
February 27th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
I bet there’s a porno out there with the same plot…
hahaha.
You lucky girl
February 27th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
oh man hot docs are dangerous. i would definitely have issues not staring at a guy that was maneuvering my body too, haha.
February 27th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I need to see that guy.
I’ll jump of the roof or something and pretend my back is useless.
February 27th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
And get a job in order to get a visa and buy a ticket?
I forgot that part.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
that type of shit never happened to me when i was single… i’m jealous! the closest i ever got? being felt up by a frail, geriatric, pediatrician when i was 17… so. not. awesome.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
time to sign up for more treatments!
February 27th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
OHMYGOD the guy is so deserved to be jumped on.
LMAO even I think dirty things right now
March 2nd, 2009 at 9:15 am
My neck hurts…….. is he a part of the Aetna network?
March 2nd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Can I make an appointment?
You’re hilarious and just cracked me up big time
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:01 pm
where can i sign up?? haha. and yeah, i’m with you for the no action in MONTHS. damn.
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Please tell me you did that adorable little snort thing that you do.
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
… until now I only had hot thoughts on my dentist’s chair (well, one of my previous dentists I dated, and afterwards became his patient cause I prefer to give my money to friends!)
tonite I was for an orthopedic check-up with my daughter and when I saw the doctor, I thought, man I would like him to do a really in depth check up with me instead! …. made me think of your post.
Hope you’re going to have another couple of really exciting treatments there! If it’s not for real action, hot thoughts can lift your spirits, too. (says someone who is living from “hot thoughts” instead of action!).
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Bwahahah! Sounds like me right after my visit with my OB-GYN. VERY handsome OB-GYN. *SIGH* I guess it happens to us all!
March 4th, 2009 at 5:16 am
Thankfully, most of my doctor visits have been to see my pops…my good buddy, however, poked the cute girl doctor in the eye with his, ehem, man part when he was getting a physical…he apologized and she said it happened all the time. Not sure that made him feel any better.