Dinosaurs Don’t Work
Posted by Deutlich on February 26th, 2009 | Filed under: UncategorizedBefore I began watching porn at the ripe old age of thirteen, I had no clue what a vagina really was. I understood that when I used the bathroom, there was an area to wipe afterwards. And that was really the extent of it other than being fully clear on the fact that boys had sticks and berries and girls didn’t.
So when it finally dawned on me that things could actually go up a vag and that it was supposedly amazing and caused chicks to scream in pleasure I decided I should give it a try.
There was just one slight hang up – there was no way in hell I’d let a peen go there. My teachers said that it caused pregnancy and STDs! Like AIDS! And you could DIE! FROM SEX!
I sure as shit wasn’t signin’ up for that. Oh hell no.
Like any logical 13 year old I could not stop thinking about it. You know, my “area” and the pleasure and the yes.
It took several months until I decided, once and for all, that I needed to do something about it. Since using boy parts were out of the question in this quest of mine, I chose the next best thing.
A stuffed animal.
Specifically the tail of a dinosaur. It was long, it was firm and I figured it would work.
Except it didn’t. At all.
I had won it at some carnival and as soon as I had laid eyes on it I figured it would be perfect for my little scheme. Let’s not discuss the fact that I’ve no idea where it was prior to my ownership of it, nor how many strange hands may have laid their fingers on it.
Because ew.
I’m sure this would have been all well and good except I’ve always been a blabber mouth. I just don’t know how to keep my own secrets. And like an idiot, I went ahead and told somebody I went to school with.
And she told somebody else, who told somebody else, who turned around and told even more folks.
I quickly became the punch line of every joke at my school. Even better, the story warped from the truth to me having done the same with hot dogs.
HOT DOGS?
Fucking gross.
I had some standards. I mean, yeesh.
________
And what the hell, I’m tagging this as a TMI Thursday. Why not hop on that bandwagon, eh?
February 26th, 2009 at 7:42 am
is there a hot dog molester in every city? That rumor is just wrong!
I may or may not have done some closet humping of my own with my neighbors giant stuffed bunny. She did it too. I was way younger than 13. I’m glad to read someone else has done the same!
that rumor ruined my life for FOUR years. fucking ridiculous.
February 26th, 2009 at 7:43 am
Okay, it’s a safe bet that anything that starts with “Before I began watching porn at the ripe old age of thirteen” is going to be good.
But aaaaaah! The end of that is ever-so-slightly mortifying!
You’re tellin’ me.. I had to see those assholes for YEARS. Blah.
February 26th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Jesus, wasn’t that dry? Ouch.
dry and painful. yes.
February 26th, 2009 at 7:50 am
OMG this is so a TMI Thursday. You should have tagged it…
I can’t believe it was a dinosaur you got at a carnival!! THATS LIKE HAVING SEX WITH A CARNY.
perfect! that’s just another notch i can mark on my belt. aaaand… i tagged it for tmi.
February 26th, 2009 at 7:52 am
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!
Okay dudette, you spilled. I will join you in your weirdness and admit to having used a pencil.
Which, you know – whatever about dinosaur tails but can you IMAGINE how many mouths and grubby fingers had been on and around that pencil?!?
Ugh.
In hindsight, experimentation is gross.
we’ll just pretend that the cooter acids killed all the germies, k?
Of course, everyone’s got 20/20 hindsight…
February 26th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I used a carrot at the tender age of 11. I was an early bloomer who’d stumbled onto her father’s porn stash. I was trying to emulate what I saw. Let me tell you, it did nothing for me, except get me in trouble for throwing out a perfectly good carrot when my mom saw me dispose of the evidence. Nowhere near as mortifying as what happened to you, though.
I don’t think i’d want to face my mom after that. At all.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Why not your own fingers at first? I probably would have been MORE afraid of a dinosaur tail!
I tried those. They didn’t work and I didn’t know what I was doing.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:13 am
A carnie toy? Did you wash that? I think you can catch more from a carnie toy than most strangers.
OR the acids down there killed all the germs. I like to think that way. Yes.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:16 am
At my school there was a story that went around of a girl who used a cucumber. Never knew if it was true or not but now I know every school had that sort of story, just a different “item.”
i hated school.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Welcome to my vile, vile bandwagon, lady. You done GOOD.
(I already told you what I used… I think I’ve shared enough with the innerwebs for one day…)
At least your bandwagon is fun. Gross – but fun. Hahaha
February 26th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Was it hurt? lol I have a lot of funny TMI sex stories but I’m afraid my current boyfriend would read it. They were pretty crazy
Oh, it hurt. For sure.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Kids are so cruel. I bet half of the girls perpetuating the rumor had either done something similar, or were inspired to. And, no, ~giggle~ dinosaurs don’t work.
Y’know, for years and years after I couldn’t even HEAR the word dinosaur without physically cringing?
February 26th, 2009 at 8:25 am
I hope it wasn’t a stegosaurus. All those spikes? Ouch. Even if it was stuffed.
but if they’re soft, fluffy spikes – wouldn’t that be even better? for more stim…..n/m. i’m just gonna shut the hell up
February 26th, 2009 at 8:25 am
I knew you were a bold one from my first visit to this blog last year. Ouch! Damn, that sounds painful versus a finger or two. LOL!
We’ve all experimented in some way or another, it’s natural. But, that’s f*cked up your friend opened her big yap. She was just jealous of the dinosaur I bet.
Whatever her motivation, it RUINED my social life at school – which I think was a blessing in disguise.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:30 am
I can’t even begin to imagine how that experiment really went down. I love hearing stories of other people going through awkwardness like this, it makes me feel more normal.
it amazes me how many of us do crazy shit, only to find that others have done the same in different capacities.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Oh my god. I never thought I’d be able to link this and have it be applicable to anything
http://photos.imageevent.com/munkersweld/0o/pornosaurus2.mpeg
VERY NSFW, but great.
Uhm. I watched the first 2 seconds of that in my incognito window at work and FREAKED OUT. balkjvlakjfdalkfj. that’s what nightmares are made of.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:45 am
LOL You were “that” girl. You know, the one, the one who, in my school, pleasured herself with a Bic pen during a film strip. Because first, it’s dark enough during a film strip to even think you would get away with it, and secondly, a Bic pen would do ANYTHING!
ah! i don’t like this label! take it off! take it offfff.. haha
February 26th, 2009 at 8:53 am
No pleasure. Maybe that’s why dinosaurs are extinct.
quite plausible.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:54 am
The fact that you were able to identify the multiple functions of the dinosaur tale is proof of your intelligence. I don’t think I would ever have made such an astute connection.
You just made me smile
February 26th, 2009 at 8:56 am
That’s so brave! I wouldn’t let anything near my kitty til 18. Not even tampooni’s.
I think tampoonis is my new favorite word.
February 26th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Oh! That was YOU?!?! You were the punchline of jokes at my school too.
Looking back, we all know they were doing the same thing but too embarrassed to speak up, so they make fun to cover their own shame.
Stupid kids.
I’m really, really hoping that you and I went to school on polar opposite ends of the country.
February 26th, 2009 at 9:08 am
When I was in middle school a girl was expelled for attempting to do the same thing as you but with a baseball bat in the gym locker room. I thought it was a rumor until she admitted to it years later while drunk at a high school party.
I pretended it wasn’t true until I was about 18 too..
February 26th, 2009 at 9:22 am
First of all, I love your unabashed candidness.
Second? A glass bottle. Not like, the whole thing, but yeah.
Man.. we all did some dumb shit as kids. It’s fun to look back on those days, eh?
February 26th, 2009 at 10:01 am
I think there’s a rumor about some chick and a hot dog at every school.
sad.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Shoot! That was YOU? You’re an urban legend even in Argentina!!!!!!!!
Yessss… My reputation precedes me.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:11 am
You take all of this back about dinosaurs not working right now!
Did you give it some viagra? That would have helped.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Nothing went in my va-jay-jay until I was 19. You are a brave brave woman.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Wow, TMI Thursday for real. But hey, someone had to figure it out for the rest of the school. Rumors beget experimentation on the part of the the tacit listeners, so consider yourself a trendsetter.
Eh. This can’t be any worse than when I talked about going to the porn store in which my request had to deal with squirting vids…
February 26th, 2009 at 10:50 am
don’t feel bad, there’s “that girl” who is accused of doing it with random things at EVERY SINGLE SCHOOL.
i am sorry that it had to be you, though.
me too
February 26th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Funny!! Sticks and berries… haha i’d never heard of that.. i can just picture this dinosaur tail..totally not working. haha. it reminds me of this elephant stuffed animal i have with the trunk being rather phallic. i told some internet guy i sleep with this stuffed animal every night and he was turned on… weird people. the first thing i placed inside me was a jones soda bottle. sorry. TMI.
it is allll good. there’s no such thing as tmi in my neck of the woods.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
omg …FUCKING BRILLIANT!!! ahahahaha. {I can’t keep my own secrets either}
secrets are lame anyway
February 26th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
It’s stories like this that make me glad I found my brother’s porn box (yes, it was literally a box) when I was 11 and knew you could use hands. Not to say I did anything when I was 11.
Yeah…
February 26th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
wow. i don’t think i can top that story, and that is saying something!
GO T-REX!!!!
i’d have to say that was definitely a T-Rex: 1, Deutlich: 0 kind of day.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
LOL! I used a pen. You know one of the clicky pens with lots of different colored inks.
Needles to say I was sixteen and just as dumb as a doornail! (that might explain why I have one too many kids)
And kids can be so cruel. But I am so glad that period of my life is over!
i was dumb as a doornail too. so I can’t talk.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Yeah freaking right. I did the EXACT same thing when I was that age. Seriously, stuffed dinosaur tail. Only I didn’t realize that sex involved actual penetration…I just had it pushed up against my area.
You are not alone.
As stupid as this sounds, i feel better not being totally alone in that…
February 26th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
haha at least you were creative.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I literally bit my lip in phantom pain.
Still…righteous story.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
I am cracking up at how many people fessed up to using the same exact “weapon of choice.” I never even had a dinosaur, dammit.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
HA!!!! holy christ!! this is DEFINITELY a tmi thursday post. and i love it.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Right now, I adore you. Lots and lots.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
oh my lord! hahahahha.
so you were the frozen hot dog girl? ; )
February 26th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Wow. Just wow.
All I can say is that thankfully it didn’t snap. Just picture going up to your mom and having to explain to her that you had a plastic dinosaur tail lodged in your vagina.
Can we say awkward?
February 26th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
um. i’m sure you’ve already seen this, but it is HILARIOUS and applicable at the same time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRWjxdvArPE
um, don’t feel bad though. i learned how to do it when i was like eleven by awkwardly rubbing myself up on walls, blankets, pillows, etc. SO not hot. when my current man asks to see me doing it to myself, i have to pretend to be coy or something and say no, just to hide the fact that me masturbating just looks like some kind of animal in heat.
TMI?
February 27th, 2009 at 8:11 am
I used the handle of a hair brush.
For YEARS.
Until I learned about vibrators.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I used an old wine bottle.
Just the neck. I’m not a *complete* freak!
My first discovery, however, was the running water from the faucet in the bathtub, which, with a little creative maneuvering, worked much like the water jets at the swimming pool…
Ahhh, self-discovery
March 6th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Wow…
I never knew how much easier us guys had it during the initial stages of “learning yourself” until I read this.