Toning It Down
Posted by Deutlich on December 16th, 2008 | Filed under: UncategorizedI am really damn opinionated. As far as I can tell, I’ve been this way since I forced my mom to have me two weeks before she was supposed to. I think I was aiming for Christmas, but missed it by a day.
Whatevs.
The point is that I came into the world on my own terms and I’ve been re-affirming this concept since day one.
Some people can’t dig the opinions. Actually, it’s not really the opinions that bother them, because unless specifically asked, I don’t always share them. The problem is the way I deliver my point of view. Or stand my ground. Or simply say what needs to be said.
There are tons of folks that just can’t dig confrontation. Of any kind. Whether it’s constructive or not. Whether it’s not even confrontational, simply a stating of facts (or facts as one might see them).
What I’ve noticed throughout the years is that men, in particular, can’t dig it when a woman’s got something to say that they just aren’t equipped to handle.
Frankly, this is the biggest reason my father and I don’t talk. Growing up, I never held back how disappointing it was to see him so shitfaced and to watch him belittle those that I love the most.
Ironically, I allowed everyone else in my life to walk all over me like a rug. It probably comes as no surprise that this behavior eventually led me to grow one incredibly strong back bone.
I don’t like being fucked with. I especially don’t like seeing people I care for being fucked with.
And I won’t just sit by and watch it happen. Not now and not ever again.
So it should also come as no surprise that the last (brief) relationship I had came to an end for some of the aforementioned reasons.
Maybe I’ve become so jaded by the situations I’ve witnessed that I don’t know how to be anything but strongly convicted. Maybe I come off too tough on occasion. Maybe this is something men just can’t handle.
This then leads me to worry about the future. I mean, I’m inching closer to 30 and it feels more and more like I’m supposed to be in a committed relationship with babies on the brain.
One might suggest that I tone it down a bit. Although, I think those who would say such a thing have neither walked a mile in my shoes nor had the “pleasure” of witnessing what I have.
I guess that at the end of the day – it just means I need to look harder for a man who’s got an equally strong backbone. Someone that is able communicate, even minimally. One that isn’t going to run from a situation because it’s difficult, but actually stand his ground and face it head on. A person that doesn’t duck and hover when shit gets hard.
And who knows? Maybe I’ll find a woman with those criteria instead.
December 16th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I don’t think you should have to tone it down, the world needs confrontational people. I am one of those who will avoid confrontation at all possible costs. It’s not that I don’t have a backbone, I will stand up for what I think is right and I don’t let people walk all over me, but I would rather be quiet and let things be peaceful rather than being part of an unnecessary fight. But that’s me, and you’re you, it’s better to celebrate what makes you who you are, right?
December 16th, 2008 at 11:52 am
LOL. I find I can be this way as well. I also find men have a hard time with it. Especially men with expectations of how a woman should act. The answer is finding a man who can see through your actions to the reasons behind them. One who loves you because of and in spite of it and allows you to be exactly who you want to be.
Great post.
December 16th, 2008 at 11:53 am
If they’re too weak to take your opinions then they are not worthy on you. The world is candy canes and freakin unicorns. THEY need to grow a spine.
“Well behaved women rarely make history”
December 16th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Toning it down should’t be an option. After all, you want to find someone whom you can be yourself with. I’m an opiniated person as well, so I can sympathize.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
i dont think you should have to tone anything down to find someone you mesh well with. i think being your true, authentic self, is so important in a relationship. having to monitor things and tone it down to appease others is exhausting.
keep on being you, and damn straight you’re going to find a match who can keep up. you owe it to yourself!
December 16th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I gree with everyone else. Toning it down-not optional. Don’t apologize for who you are, embrace it and find someone who will embrace it with you.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
i usually try to avoid confrontation. i keep my opinions to myself until i’m asked … unless, of course, that shit affects me.
what bothers me the most is when people ask for my opinion and then get mad at me for it. really? if you don’t want to know, don’t fuckin’ ask.
the way i see it, everyone has an opinion on everything. oftentimes, people can’t handle other people being honest. they feel more comfortable with you telling them exactly what they want to hear.
eff that.
girl, do your thing.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
opinions are hard. When Dan gives them to me I hate it, but I am quick to hand them out to my family members. You aren’t going to make everyone happy so changing would only make you unhappy.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I feel this way too! Especially the last line- I often bemoan the fact that I’m just not sexually attracted to women, because there are SO MANY awesome ladies out there, and so few awesome men, it seems.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Well-behaved women rarely make history.
You know you don’t WANT to tone it down. And I’d be sad to see you tone it down. Don’t be muffled by how you’re “supposed to act.” Stand up and fight because sometimes that’s all we have is our voice. Use it.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I need to get seriously better at confrontation. I’ve taken on the passive role in my relationship and I need to evolve out of that sooner rather than later.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Well, you scare me a little bit… just putting that out there.
No, just kidding (kinda…) but I feel you on this. I think you would be nuts to ever tone yourself down. You are right that there are so few people out there who are have a unique thought, let alone are willing to fight for it! You have both and that is awesome. Hold out until you find a great guy who will love you for it… and fight back!
December 16th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Oh honey, getting older doesn’t mean you need to start changing your ways. It just means you need to sort through potential suitors faster. Be confrontational earlier, rattle their sabres upfront and see if they’re open to a little friendly competition or if their flight instinct takes hold.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I totally relate to this. A friend of mine told me to never settle though and as I’ve gotten older, it has become apparent to me that being single is far better than being in an unhappy relationship. I watch my friends freak out over the ticking baby clock and go for what’s around instead of someone who really loves them for who they are. No need to tone it down, there will be someone out there who appreciates it.
December 16th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
ummm, don’t you dare tone it down!
it provides me hours of entertainment!
December 16th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Why aren’t you in the kitchen baking me cupcakes?
December 16th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
When I want your opinion I’ll give it to you. Understand?
…Please don’t hurt me.
December 16th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
People like this do exist. They do. And it’s good you know what you need.
December 16th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Don’t tone yourself down…being opinionated is part of your charm.
December 16th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I will go to the ends of the earth to avoid confrontations, which is why I like to surround myself with people of similar opinions. But that’s human nature, right?
December 16th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Finding a guy like that shouldn’t be too hard, however, finding one with all those qualities who isn’t a ginormous dick and/or serial killer might be a challenge.
December 16th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Have you ever heard of the apple tree analogy? Most go for the low hanging apples, the ones easy to grab because they are the low hanging fruit. What you want is on the tree, but most won’t go to the effort to get the harder to reach/more worthwhile apples up top. Hang in there, keep reaching and don’t settle. That apple is up there waiting for you.
December 16th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Tone what down? You? It’s “you” and you are the way you’re supposed to be. It’s not like you’re physically attacking people, you’re just opinionated and stand your ground. No harm there! No harm in standing up for yourself at all. If you get to the point where no one can ever be right and it’s always a me, me, me attitude…then maybe you’d need to adjust a bit.
But there are definitely people out there who would be a perfect match, so change nada.
I don’t beleive in that “one” true love. I think there are way too many damn poeple on this planet for just one to match. Relationships are compromise and you both give & take…some better at it than others. Meh! Be you.
December 16th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
ha, the end cracked me up. maybe you will! we are the strong species anyways. sorry guys ; )
you are one of the most opinionated and strongest ladies i know. don’t apologize for it ever.
December 16th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I have the highest respect for opinionated people. As a quite(er) person I often hold my opinions back and I admire those who have the courage to say exactly what they’re thinking.
December 16th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I totally voted for you for Most Opinionated on the 20sb award thingie.
And I’m disturbed by the first “possibly related post” that was generated—”Three men accused of trying to dig up a young woman’s body to have sex with it.” Hmm….
December 16th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
I really REALLY don’t think it’s a bad thing to be such a strong-minded woman. I think it’s just the opposite. It’s not 1824 anymore (or even 1952) where women can just let men run the show. Eff that!
December 16th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Your last relationship ended? I’m out of the loop. I definitely don’t think you need to tone it down at all. It may seem impossible but you will find a guy who’s going to be your match in that area or at least appreciate it. I have been in your boat before and if it’s not something you want or see the need to change, then don’t.
December 16th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
I run really fast though.
December 16th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
HI,
following your blog for a while, still impressed about your openness.
I don’t think toning down would help you find the one. Don’t judge yourself for being what you are, trying to change yourself to be more compatible with a partner would just result in a false, probably screwed up relationship.
I know how you feel, it has taken me a long time to find someone who was strong enough to handle me, but on the same time sensitive enough not to abuse me and to be able to connect to my softer, scared and often needy (screwed up) personality. Someone who will stay with me when I am in emotional trouble, but can keep a healthy distance and does not become slave of my emotional troubles. (I tend to get bored and lose respect of too weak persons, and get abusive myself as a consequence…)
It’s just a fact that there are not many people out there strong enough, special enough and mature enough to stay with a strong woman. And I am sure there are more strong women around compared to men!
- I found the one once I was able to accept myself as I am, after I stopped trying to change myself or the other in order to become what I thought should be a normal relationship. Maybe it was all about making peace with myself, my past and those around me.
Finding someone who stays with you through all this should be the dream and the goal, but not the condition to move forward with your life.
You should never stop being opinionated and strong!
But you seem to be on a good way to stop fighting against yourself, which is in my eyes the bigger obstacle to find a partner for life.
Might really be a woman.
December 16th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
i don’t think you need to tone it down at all. someone will appreciate you for you and that’s what really matters. woot.
December 16th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Don’t tone it down. Because it makes it all the more special when you find someone who can take it and give it right back. (Yes, I know it’s cheesy. I’m still a romantic at heart.) Besides, a strong backbone is something to be admired, not hidden.
December 16th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
I know this one well, but in a slightly different direction, as I know I’ve ranted about before how I’m not entirely sure men like truly smart women (they like ‘em smart, just not smarter than them). Thankfully, I’ve been proven wrong… but when you find a man or woman who keep toe to toe with you, man, will you be swept off your feet.
December 16th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
I met my perfect match.
You should never have to compromise who you are, or your morals in a relationship.
Stick to your guns.. and who cares if you are getting older (I know easy to say when I am happily married) but trust me when I say I had to kiss a few frogs and make a few grown boys cry before I found someone that could “put up with me” who challenged me and REFUSED to back down…
Still to this day.
December 16th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
I’ve got an extra vertebrae if you are into mutants. Unfortunately I still have the back of an 80 yr old.
Am I taking the back thing too literal?
December 17th, 2008 at 12:11 am
Am so bummed out for you. Everything seemed to be going so well… crap!!
(( hugs )) and I hope your heart isn’t too banged up…
December 17th, 2008 at 7:38 am
Being strong is not a weakness (if you get my meaning!)
Stick to it and you’ll find *whoever* you’re meant to be with (and by whoever I mean whether they be man, woman or somewhere inbetween!)
x
December 17th, 2008 at 9:26 am
I’m glad you weren’t born on christmas, for the record– lol
Theres no reason to settle because of age…but you know this. It will work out. I’m more along the lines that if I don’t find a straight man I may have to marry my gay best friend. Whatever– I could deal.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:15 am
you are who you are, and you will find someone to suit you just that way. And looking harder wont make it easier. It will come to you when you’re ready.
I hate when people say that.
But I find it to be true!
December 17th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Never, never, never tone it down.
Opinions are GOOD.
And I think you might actually have an easier time finding a woman who meets your criteria than a man.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Don’t tone it down and never settle for anything less than perfection!!
Easier said than done, right?
December 18th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
“And who knows? Maybe I’ll find a woman with those criteria instead.”
hahaha, dude i love you.
as for the boys…personally, i’m throwing in the towel for a while. i’m tired of their bullshit and unreliability. so i guess in a word, i’m saying DON’T settle. at least not on those deal breakers. you need a (wo)man who can handle your strong opinions and that’s what you should have. fuck a biological clock. don’t settle. period.
December 20th, 2008 at 1:52 am
Well, I’ve seen on other posts that you seem to have a proclivity for the white dudes. Now, without being too drastically essentialist, in my experience, white folks in general have a real issue with “tone.” I was just blogging about this today, in fact, about how the accusation of having a “hostile” tone or even look is so often used to dismiss what sistas (and brothas, too) have to say.
I dated one white guy, and it was a constant issue. He got scared and would ask me why I was so angry, and I couldn’t figure out what the hell he was talking about.
Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying that your Magical Black Prince with no issues about his own masculine identity is going to come swooping out of the sky (Oh, but if only…). But if you “tone it down”, as many other commentators have hinted at, you end up only with someone who was never really that into you in the first place. And while you could undoubtedly perform some “toned down” identity forever, that would mean that you — actually you — never really had love.
That would be sad.
I don’t tone myself down, and I have found a few that can keep up and not be scared.
And men are like bullets — it’s only the one that finds you that matters in the end.
December 31st, 2008 at 10:46 am
Aside from the fact that men in general are frightened off by independent, confident women (or so I’m told), I think it has little to do with what you (we) perceive to be your (our) “less attractive” qualities–from the male perspective–and more with what you (we) expect from a man.
I think we’ve got to suck it up and accept that, the longer we remain single (and the older we become), the harder it is to find someone with whom we are compatible. Or perhaps, more specifically, someone who we are willing to give a chance to show that he is compatible.
My theory is that we’re willing to take a lot more crap when we are young, and be patient while the guy either a) grows out of it, or b) learns through careful grooming that it’s not acceptable. Now, however, as adults, we would like our men to come pre-matured. I’m beginning to think this is an impossibility, but damnit, I would like a man who is already housebroken.