Not Quite Right
Posted by Deutlich on December 11th, 2008 | Filed under: UncategorizedWhen you’re in the middle of it, the euphoria cursing through your body cancels out every other aspect of the event.
It occurs to you that, yes, maybe it’s a bit weird you can’t stop clenching your jaw. That licking your lips so consistently may not really be normal. That the inability to keep fingers, legs and arms from moving in constant motion isn’t quite right.
But you chew minty gum for that. Because it distracts from the clenching. And you take walks with friends because then your legs are moving for a reason. And you find little things like cloth or paper or pens to roll between your fingers.
You ignore all the things that aren’t quite right for the sensation that everything actually is right. That you’re on top of the world. That you can express every feeling in your mind and not feel ashamed or embarrassed by it. That you’re a part of something bigger and better and more profound.
And it’s fucking amazing.
The highs are the highest of highs. You become more sensitive to every light, scent and touch. Memories are seared into your brain in ways you could never expect. Colors are more colorful. Flavors are more flavorful. Everything is exponentially better.
And you just keep ignoring that something just isn’t quite right.
And the lows are the lowest of lows. These same heightened senses lend easily to the exact opposite of euphoria. You wake up on the floor in familiar places that are suddenly so strange you are thrust into full fledged panic attacks. For days you are unable to keep food down because your body is physically incapable of chewing and swallowing. The sheer and utter exhaustion covers you like a thick fog.
It’s just easier to lay flat. In a dark corner. With three blankets because you just can’t warm up. Maybe four. Ignoring the world and everything around you.
It’s like a self-induced coma.
I never wanted to believe how fully addicted I was to ecstasy. I never expected these kinds of revelations to be told through this blog. I’m almost annoyed with myself for talking about it. I feel like I’ve mentioned it one too many times.
But it’s an interesting place to be. Clean and sober and looking back on it. Seeing so clearly how bad it was, and how much worse it could have gotten.
Being that MDMA was originally prescribed as a marriage counseling drug and made popular by super wealthy men in Texas, I convinced myself that it was much safer than it really was. The biggest problem is that it’s out right illegal. For those that don’t know, this means those lovely little pills of pure bliss can be laced with anything from heroin to methamphetamine.
Even now, as I sit her typing this, I can remember exactly what the first and last time felt like and everything in between. Something about that just isn’t quite right.
And it’s really fucking frightening.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Well-said, Deutlich…well-said.
What’s done is done and the most important thing is, now, the present, and that you’ve got your shit together.
Thanks for sharing and I’m happy for you that you knocked that habit.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:48 am
That’s why I only ever did it once. Had an amazing night that I realized I would never be able to re-live (and that shit was fucking pricey and I was broke as hell in college), so that was that.
I look back on that night fondly, and if I’m being honest with myself, money was probably the key factor in why I actually made the right decision, but regardless… I’m so glad that I didn’t get sucked into the vortex that so many people I know did.
Kudos to you for pulling yourself back out. Not everybody does. That, in itself, is an accomplishment.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:01 am
Huge congratulations on being able to do this. But you said “I feel like I’ve mentioned it one too many times.” I dunno. It sounds like like it’s a big pink elephant in your room. And I’d hate for you to ever start thinking that’s normal and to stop pointing it out for exactly what it is. So maybe you should never stop talking about it…
December 12th, 2008 at 1:59 am
“And the lows are the lowest of lows. These same heightened senses lend easily to the exact opposite of euphoria. You wake up on the floor in familiar places that are suddenly so strange you are thrust into full fledged panic attacks.”
Exactly. EXACTLY. It’s the most amazing and most awful feelings all wrapped up in one. It’s terrible. And awful. And amazing. And life-ruining.
Glad to hear you’re off it!
December 12th, 2008 at 2:33 am
I can’t tell you how much I admire your honesty and candor! Congrats on kicking the addiction… I know how tough that can be.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:07 am
This such a wonderfully written post. It is funny those things we just live with, as if they are normal, when they are so far from it.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Ecstasy sounds like acid, which was a specialty of mine in high school. The part where you say: “You ignore all the things that aren’t quite right for the sensation that everything actually is right.”
Poetry.
Don’t ever stop talking about it.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:05 am
I am so staying away from that stuff. I have enough addictions already. Seriously.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:44 am
The fact that you can look back on it and see that something wasn’t right about it is a positive thing. A lot of us make mistakes in the past and sometimes its unbelievable to know we’ve survived, but you have and your smarter for it.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:08 am
A marriage counseling drug? WTF?!?!
And I know someone who, from the sounds of it, had an experience (by which I mean, a couple of years) a lot like you. And watching her go through it? Was frightening.
Glad you made it through…
December 12th, 2008 at 10:11 am
And the next day?
Felt horrible.
especially since for some reason you are butt naked with vicks rubbed all over you.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:29 am
I think the sheer terror of becoming addicted and being forced to experience those lows are the only reasons that keep me from ever trying anything stronger than weed. I’ve seen people fall so easily, and for some getting out of it is the hardest thing they’ll ever have to do. A very big kudos to you for being able to break the habit.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:56 am
I didn’t know it was a marriage counseling drug…huh.
I have never done any drug, except smoke pot a handful of times. People are always surprised, but I am honest when I say that I was so scared to try because I knew I would like it too much. I know I am quite capable of being an addict.
Thanks for your honesty.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:58 am
It does sound a bit like acid… It’s funny because I tried ectasy and MDMA a few times, and never really got a high from it – and I know it was pretty good stuff because, well… Lets just say for various reasons. Same with opium. But marijuana was a close personal friend for MANY years. Totally different high though.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:17 am
i put this in the “things ill never do” category. along with eveyr other drug besides pot. I’m too scared of addiction. they say you cant get addicted to pot but i sure did!
I couldnt imagine having to give something up like that. reading this even made my stomach hurt! bleh!
December 12th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Akilah – You’re right. What’s done really is done.
Froggy – I’m glad you were broke. That shit just ain’t no joke. And SCORE! I am wicked corny.
FB – You know what? It really is the big pink elephant in the room. And thank you.
Ex – It’s really fuckin’ weird how it’s amazing and awful at once.
Kaci – Thank you sweetie
PP – It really is funny. And weird.
Cat – I’ve never tried acid because the word always made me cringe, but I don’t doubt that there are many similarities. I’m assuming you don’t do acid anymore and I’m glad for that.
Maxie – YES. STAY FAR. FAR. FAR AWAY.
Passionista – Thank you.
Z – Oh yeah. Totally. A chemist who’d left a big company to work in his own lab found the chemical formula for it and tried it out on himself, then marketed it as a psychotherapy prescription to make it easier for married couples in crisis to communicate. When the rich Texans found out how AMAZING the drug felt, they brought it to the club scene and then it got HUGE. . and illegal.
Matt – I hated the next day.
Jenn – Hold on to that terror. Don’t ever start that crap.
Lemmonex – I’m glad that you’ve only gone as far as the occasional pot smoking. Frankly, I think that’s perfectly legit and all right.
Sassy – Ah, Mary Jane. I still have a fondness for it even though I don’t really bother with it anymore.
Fizz – Yes. Definitely keep it in the “things i’ll never do” category. Forever.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:33 am
i’ve done everything else (except heroin) aside from ecstacy. I’ve done coke, acid, smoked dope, sniffed poppers, eaten shrooms. but for some reason I’m scared to try ecstacy.
i think you kinda pointed out why I’m scared – it’s that having to accept something not quite right.
I’m all for smoking dope = that makes me feel right with the world again.
Thanks for sharing this, I’m sure you’ve come a long way since those days!
xx
December 12th, 2008 at 11:53 am
That was a kick-ass blog post, lady.
I couldn’t even be snarky about it. And I tried.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Word up to everything you wrote here.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Amazing….your descrption is absolutely dead on. I love the part of “feeling something just isn’t right”, that is exactly how it is!!
It’s been years and the thought of ever doing it again terrifies me.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
ectasy? i thought you were talking about bacon for a second….
December 12th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
This is a frighteningly accurate description, thank you for sharing this.
I went through a time after high school where 6 people I was very close to were wildly addicted to Crystal Meth and Coke, and watching them go through the highs, lows, withdrawal, recover, relapse….. it’s terrifying.
They feel so free, but they’re so bound up they can’t even see it. I’m glad you got through this.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I never took E and I’m glad I never did. I was too wussy, really. I don’t even like taking advil.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
As soon as I read the first few sentences of this, I knew what you were talking about because you explained it so well. And really it’s a feeling that is hard to put in to words so my hat’s off to you. I loved me some ecstasy and I wonder how long I will remember the details – the feelings – of those times.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
first i just have to say how really… well written this is.
big kudos to you for the place you are at now.
i’ve never tried anything more than a handful of weed. i have the sense that i’d like anything more too much. too easy for me to say no after one time, i think.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I know I’ve said it before (as have so many others), but I’m very impressed with how open and honest you are about all of this. I’ll go ahead and be cheesy – it’s kind of inspirational.
Also, I’m another one that hasn’t tried anything stronger than weed. I’ve always been curious, but the fear has stopped me. I guess sometimes fear’s okay.
December 12th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I did that crap 3 times in my life. The stupidest thing ever.
December 12th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
You are so much braver than me.
Attagirl.
December 12th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I haven’t done every drug out there, but I am convinced there is no worse low than the day after a cocaine binge. Worst feeling ever. Never did I have suicidal thoughts (although I would NEVER go through with them) as often as I did when I came down from a coke bender.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I saw the movie Go. Ecstacy causes problems. the biggest one being working in a supermarket.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Wow, you write beautifully of a “fun” drug that turns out to be not so fun for a lot of people. Thanks for sharing, you’re so much stronger than your addictions.
December 12th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
So. At first I thought you were talking about sex (possibly because I am sex-starved at the moment and your description made me think of an orgasm. Perhaps that’s why it’s called Ecstasy.)
Either way (pardon my stupidity, the brain is dead), this was…so excellent at describing something I have never experienced. The odd thing is, I feel like I understand exactly what you meant without actually having tried it. Like…the best days of my life. The best sex. Falling in love. Blah blah blah. I will shut up now. But thank you for sharing.
December 12th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
wow, very nicely put.
i’ve never tried any type of drug or even gotten drunk before. i think it’s because i’m terrified at the idea of not being in control of my body. even though i’m curious of what getting high would feel like, it’s accounts like this that kill my curiosity. so, thanks for sharing.
December 12th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
that’s a great way to describe it, I guess. it sounds about right to me based on what i’ve heard and read, i don’t really know myself as my only experience with drugs was some hash i couldn’t quite work out how to inhale. but it sounds pretty damn scary…
December 12th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
your posts area always amazing, just so you know that.
December 13th, 2008 at 11:08 am
i think we should go to a rave.
kidding.
we should just go get drunk on champagne – much safer.
December 14th, 2008 at 11:51 am
I always feel weird when people tell me something I’ve said is brave, but… I’ll say it anyway. This is brave. And very well said. Kudos to you for overcoming this, and for having the courage to share your story with others.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
I was always such a good Jewish boy, my only rebellion was in the form of alcohol, and second hand smoke. I was at a party recently where a whole bunch of people were on ecstasy, and the look on their faces even when they were proclaiming the wonders of it all was enough to tell me how scary that stuff is. One girl I didn’t even know came up and was clinging to me and told me not to let go, and the whole time her eyes were bugged out and she was barely blinking. It looks scarier in person, and let me just say that this post is spot on, and I’m so thrilled and relieved that you’re able to write this today. I’m so glad you posted this! Thank you.
December 14th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Been there.
The way you described it made my hairs stand up and I got the shiver.. you know the one…
So weird. Its been years for me too, but when you party for 3 nights straight with no sleep for fear you will “some down”.
Ugg.
But to be frank about it. I would not take any of it back. It was a phase in my life. LOTS of experiences, lots of friends made and friends lost.
I have many found memories of those days. The raves, the parties, the after parties…
I look back now and think how stupid some of it was. Being held by 3 different people because you “thought” 3 pills was the smart thing to do…
Scary things. I am glad I lived to talk about it.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:34 am
Your special touch with words did this post proud, and speaking of proud, I hope you are proud of you for staying clean and sober. I’ve been down that path and know how hard it was for me.
December 15th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
First of all, you are one hell of a talented writer. I really admire your openness and honesty. The whole drug thing isn’t really my scene (Lord knows I’ve already got enough unhealthy habits, I don’t need any more!) but I’m so happy for you that you’re in a much better place now.
I think I’ve told you this before (b/c I think it often) but I love your blog.
December 15th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
I love reading your writing. It’s so candid and honest and open and basically, everything a blog ought to be. This post opened my eyes on a ton of levels. I’m in college & experiencing a ton of different opportunities- figuring out when to say ‘no’, how to know when to stop. Shits hard. When there are people surrounding you talking about how fantastic these new drugs are, it’s tough to be the only one saying “i’ll stick to my bowl, thankyouverymuch”. It’s tough because the people that are doing it right now, they’re the ones who only talk about the euphoric highs- they don’t discuss the lows, because it would make them question why they’re doing it in the first place. Reading this reminded me why I say no, and it made me really grateful for that decision.
Get a book deal, dude.
January 28th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
I guessed from the first line, and knew from the second exactly what you were talking about.
I’ve wanted to comment on this post since you first wrote/posted it but couldn’t quite find the right words to say. But this post has stayed with me, to be honest, mostly because I understand what you experienced.
While I have only ever taken it maybe 5 times, and only do it once a year or so, saying to myself that I will never, ever take it again really fucking scares me because I want that high back. And knowing that I don’t want to say no yet, scares me even more.
I just hope there will come a time when one year becomes two. Which turns into 5. And eventually I can look back on it with interest instead of craving.
I’m sorry you had to deal with the addiction, I’m very glad you’ve got better. And it’s good to talk about it. You’ve hti the nail on the head with “not quite right”