I Used to Work for Britney Spears
Posted by Deutlich on December 17th, 2008 | Filed under: UncategorizedTrue story.
Back in the day when I still held twenty-thousand mind-numbing jobs all at once, all pertaining to retail, I worked for Britney Spears.
Y’see, I used to be a fragrance model. Yeah. I know. Sounds totally posh, huh? Like I was all fancy schmance and loving life while at it.
Lemme tell ya something. It was anything but posh. Frankly, it was a stupid title to lure dumb people (read: me) into selling perfume that everybody hated.
It started out with crap like Halston.
Wanna know what smells like microwaved doo-doo turds?
Halston.
Wanna know who buys that crap?
Old people.
I have sold everything from Michael Jordan’s cologne to White Diamonds and holey dickballs batman I am glad that shit is over with.
As you may have already surmised, I also sold Britney Spear’s Curious and Fantasy.
Would you care to know what’s extra super duper fun during the Holidays?
Getting reamed by concerned parents for hawking an item that came from “such a whore.” I think I would’ve gladly taken a fiery hot poker up the ass before dealing with the wrath of those overly crotchety military moms. There were a few tirades directed at me as if I was the whore for simply trying to get a damn paycheck. A few times, I almost sent my fist into those women’s teeth. Except for that minor detail in which I’d land in jail.
I can’t hang with jail bird chicks. It’s just not a pretty scene and I’d end up somebody’s bitch in about .02 seconds flat.
I ain’t down for that. No way. No how.
And I realize that technically I worked for Elizabeth Arden, since her company is behind Britney’s fragrances. But that just doesn’t sound nearly as interesting.
So I stick with the name dropping because it makes those five consecutive holidays just a little more bearable.
Just a little.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I actually still have a little bottle of MJ left. When it runs out can you sell me a new bottle?
whats with fragrance girls wearing all black all the time. Does black clothes = perfume sales?
December 17th, 2008 at 11:38 am
So crazy. Military moms are such a new thing to me, living in Texas. I mean I’m all for outspokenness and sharing what’s on your mind but with RATIONALITY, PEOPLE. Like what do they think they are changing by being rude to you? Absurd.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Back in the day, I worked for a grocery store chain, and we had specials periodically that I had to announce over the loudspeaker. So, the one day, the special was Sweet n’ Low, so I announced that it would be on sale for the next 15 minutes, and then I stood by a big cart of Sweet n’ Low waiting for customers. And this guy came over and told me that his wife used to put Sweet n’ Low in her coffee every single day, and then it gave her cancer and she died. He seemed completely sure that it was what had caused her cancer. So then I had to stand there, making 5 more announcements about the sale on sweet n’ low, while this man who was sure it had killed his wife just stood there and stared at me. Yeah, that wasn’t uncomfortable or anything.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:50 am
who doesn’t want to smell like a whore during the holidays?
December 17th, 2008 at 11:51 am
You worked for that filthy, head-shaving whore?
J/k you are a true hustler (hustla?).
December 17th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Did you have to wear her perfume to sell it?
Cause you totally would’ve smelled like baby prostitutes.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Oh, wow. I don’t know what Halston is, but you don’t make it sound very appealing. I hope Santa doesn’t bring me that for Christmas!
Oh, and Ben’s comment… Lol.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Holidays bring out the crazies, for sure.
And you know what? If they disapprove of the perfume, no one’s making them buy it! Maybe they secretly love Curious and are just trying to cover their tracks. Totally, I bet that’s it.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
ugggggh, white diamonds. im ashamed to admit i used to wear that when i was in 6th grade
and would you really want to take a firey hot poker up the ass? really???
December 17th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Wow. Just wow. If you have any Chanel connections, I’m all ears……
December 17th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Michael Jordan cologne smells like cut golf course grass. No sir, I didn’t like it…
December 17th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
A FRAGRANCE MODEL?
Shit. That sounds incredibly easy. I could do that around the holidays!
December 17th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
This reminds me of the Friends episode where Joey got paid to dress up as a cowboy and shill scents to people. You wore a cowboy suit too right?
December 17th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Are you serious?!
People got mad at you, the perfume pusher? See, that is just ass-backwards to get mad at the person who obviously has nothing whatsoever to do with the manufacturer or the face on the box. Sheesh! I would have been fired in like 15 mintues. LOL!
December 17th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Did you say something about woman on woman action?
December 17th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Red Door. Works better than mace, I swear.
*dead @ microwaved doo-doo turds*
December 17th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Red Door. Works better than mace, I swear.
*dead @ microwaved doo-doo turds*
December 17th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Are you insinuating that microwaved doo-doo turds do NOT smell good? Oh, I’ll be right back…
December 17th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I want to get a bottle of sweat and sell it. Thats what Michael Jordan did right?
December 17th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I was having trouble visualizing how one would model a smell.
And then I figured it out.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
i’ve never smelled any brit’s perfumes but her midnight fantasy had the best promo thing ever, loved it: http://midnightfantasybritneyspears.com/
December 17th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
that totally needs to be added to your resume
December 17th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
A lukewarm poker up the ass, sure.
But fiery hot? I dunno.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
I’m so confused as to how we got from selling perfume to you being in jail.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Wow. A girl has to eat. They should leave you out of this!
PS: My secret shame is I think J Lo Glow smells pretty good, but I just cannot buy it. Too much shame.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I haven’t thought about Halston in years, but yes, nasty, vile liquid.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
I hope you didn’t kill your sense of smell, LOL! Most perfumes are bad, really baaaaaaaaad. Peeyeww jeebus.
Glad you survived to tell the tale!
December 18th, 2008 at 4:40 am
haha, reminds me of the Friends episode where Joey is a cologne model. At least you develop some tough skin, right?
December 18th, 2008 at 5:33 am
This sounds bad, but aren’t some mil mommies notorious for promiscuity?
This is why i don’t live on post. the puritanical hypocrisy smells funny to me… much like that turd cologne you described.
December 18th, 2008 at 10:28 am
I used to wear “Curious” by Britney Spears. When people would comment on it, I would say ti was “Burberry Weekend”. This was to preserve both my beauty secret and my dignity.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
The idea of coming home from work every day smelling like Britney is one reason to stay out of retail for a living.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
haha! I love this… I wonder what Britney’s “Fragrances” smell like… probably amazing.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I can’t help it, but I love Britney (crack-whore she may be) and her perfume. I don’t tell anyone what it is though. I call it “my secret scent”
<3,
Rose
December 18th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I love the women who will spray it at you as you walk by. I think I’ve coughed at enough Curve that I’m good for a very long time.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
“holey dickballs batman.”
…
i can’t even comment on this post because i expired in the fourth paragraph.
dead, bitch. dead.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
i watched britney for the record. i feel bad for her. I think i lived her life minus all the money and kids, and fancy stuff. I think most of us did. Only the world wasnt making fun of us on top of it.
Thats funny they gave you that title. It would lure me in too!
December 18th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Wow, when you put it that way since I used to work in radio, techinically I used to work for hundreds of thousands of musicians and rock bands.
That kicks ass!
December 18th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Hahaha name drop if you gotta!!! And that dickballs line had me dying…
December 19th, 2008 at 2:57 am
LMAO @ the irrational military mom anger, AND at you spraying people with Michael Jordan cologne! I’d sue the store if someone did that to me!
The only celebrity cologne I fucks with hard is Diddy’s “Unforgivable.” I want to smell the new one he has, but the commercials are scaring me off because they’re too over the top…
And while we’re name-dropping, I just saw Will I Am on Carson Daily’s late night show, and it made me think of the first woman I fell in love with. She went to the prom with him back in the day before he had Black Eyed Peas money lol
December 19th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I really like Britney’s Fantasy and the midnight one, too.
)
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I used to work for Paris Hilton. Yuck.
Ok not really, but I did work at a Hilton.
December 24th, 2008 at 10:29 am
up the pooper, sweet
December 24th, 2008 at 10:29 am
up the pooper, sweet