Conversations From The Fam
Posted by Deutlich on November 26th, 2008 | Filed under: UncategorizedIn a few weeks my brother will be here from the west coast, just in time for my birthday which is exactly one month away! I’m pretty sure he inherited the funny bone in our family because his ability to make deadpan jokes is just beyond me. The following conversations are excerpts from last year’s holidays.
A friend of Cedric’s, whose nickname is Jello, was at the house when the following took place. There had been a mass consumption of Spanish Coffee (read: lots of liquor including Bacardi 151) and mom was a wee bit tipsy. I should note, she doesn’t curse or use derogatory language – ever. Oh, and try to imagine the German accent. It helps.
Me: Where’d you get those tats?
Jello: In Palm Dale, north of LA
Cedric: EFF palm dale
Mom: FUCKING PALM DALE?!?
Cedric: stunned and giving mom a look of disbelief
Cedric (to Jello): My mom’s drunk
Mom: No, I’m not!
Cedric: Wait, so you talk like this all the time?
Mom: uhm…no?
Cedric: So you’re saying you don’t use this loud inner monologue all the time?
Mom (ignoring my brother all together): Jello! You want a liquored coffee??
When in doubt, simply ignore …and drink more.
~*~*~*~*~
My brother works around helicopters, so he tends to carry a pair of bright orange earplugs with him. Shortly after the aforementioned conversation, he pulled a fresh pair out of his pocket and placed them on the table.
Mom: Are those lighted?
Me: [confused] What?!?
Mom: Are those lighted? They look lighted!
Cee: [deadpan] Drink another.
Those suckers were bright orange but definitely not “lighted.” I mean, why would earplugs be lit? On the kitchen table?
~*~*~*~*~*~
The brother and his circle of friends didn’t really care for Jack’s girlfriend at the time. This is mainly Jack’s fault for talking a bunch of trash about her. Being the curiously nosy woman that my mom can be, she was adamant about meeting this chick. Jack is like family, after all.
Mom: Jack needs to get his ass over here and bring that 20-SOMETHING YEAR OLD WHORE!
[Proceeds to call Jack to get him to come over. She's forced to leave a message. On Christmas Day.]
~*~*~*~
At some point during the day.
Cedric: When I had chili before I went out the other day, I think it blocked all the alcohol from going through that little funnel in my stomach [insert funnel hand motion] ’cause when the food was finally digested I was drunk as shit in no time
Mom: That’s stupid!
~*~*~*~
I can not wait for the brother to be back.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Your family sounds hilarious. I can’t imagine what the next trip home for your brother has in store!
November 26th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Jeez. Now I can’t wait for the brother to get here.
November 26th, 2008 at 10:08 am
sounds like a hilarious time! hopefully this next trip will be even more entertaining
November 26th, 2008 at 10:30 am
I can’t wait for your birthday celebrations wooooo
November 26th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Sounds like great times with the family are in store!
November 26th, 2008 at 11:10 am
sounds like a fun holiday is in order!
Enjoy your turkey day!
November 26th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I love your mom
November 26th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Aren’t moms the best?
And little brothers.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I don’t know what’s funnier… Your mom being drunk or your brother’s answers.
We’ll be impatiently waiting for stories involving him. And her. And you.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Hahaha, that’s hilarious! Lighted earplugs could be good..theoretically..in the dark?
November 26th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
If I had a little brother to provoke my drunken mother, I think I’d enjoy the holidays WAY more!
November 26th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I hve nothing but loves for a family that drinks together lol. I’m like your brother in a way – I drive people to drink :-p
November 26th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I’m getting ready to see the family tomorrow, and I’m looking forward to the laughs and good times, just like you
November 26th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
this is exactly how i feel about seeing my little sister today!!! YAY!
November 26th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
haha yes. your brother sounds hilarious. as does your mom when she’s drunk, i love it.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Have a great time with your Bro!
The lighted bit was freakin’ hilarious!
November 26th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Or can you just not wait till your mother gets drunk as a skunk again?
November 26th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Hilarious!
November 26th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Hilarious, my mom says fuck when shes drunk too.
November 27th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Hahahaha!