Penises
Posted by Deutlich on June 20th, 2008 | Filed under: UncategorizedHappy Friday, everyone!
Lately, I’ve had penis on the brain. Ok, that’s a lie… I watch enough porn that penis is more often on the brain than not. It’s not just “lately”, but that’s not the point. [Oh, and I definitely just typed punt. Because that makes a fuckload of sense.]
I’m sure if I would just let loose here and again, I’d have penis on the brain simply because I was enjoying the wonderful things it can provide.
Alas, that is not the case. I am a big prude, after all.
Anywhich way.
Have you ever randomly passed a stranger and thought, “hmm.. I wonder what his package looks like?”
Not all penises are created equal, after all.
And for those of us that are into poontang, does it happen then too? “Hmm.. What’s her vag shaped like?”
See? Inquiring minds want to know.
Or maybe just dirty minds.
Or perhaps just perverts?
Eh, what do I know? Maybe they’re the same thing?
Moving right along.
I often think that certain behaviors and attitudes indicate bulge size in men. It’s sort’ve a syndrome, if you will. Ever heard a guy spout off at the mouth about how big his dick is?
Yeah. Those guys? LYING!
Unless, of course, they’re not.
And what if they’re this massively gargantuan guy – let’s say, 6′5″ with a Willy Wonka the size of a Bite Size Snickers?
Wouldn’t that kinda suck?
While I realize it’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean, it just sort’ve perplexes me a bit. Isn’t it like putting a head the size of a peanut on the neck of a man the size of a gorilla. You know, like those shrunken head thingymabobbers.
Just plain weird, I say. WEIRD!
On the flip side, what about those gigantically huge gaping boxes on a tiny, tiny chick? Or worse yet, lips that are so fat the vagina is almost completely lost?!
And why the hell am I thinking about any of this?
More importantly, for those of you with lil’ wee-wees and huge honkin’ vagges (vages? vagises?), I surely hope you haven’t taken offense. Think of it this way, I will never have a clue if your junk is disproportionate. So, for all intents and purposes? I’m not implying you. Besides, we’re all made different for a reason.
Right?
Right.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I’ve definitely walked past strangers and contemplated what they would be like in bed. In fact, that’s pretty much how I stayed awake in Calculus (it didn’t really work out so well there because my class was full of nerds and it was just strange and kind of creepy picturing any of them naked).
Also recommended to stay awake during meetings/class/important events: Turn everything said into a sexual innuendo (in your head of course).
June 20th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Also, I don’t know why it doesn’t link to my page. But it’s http://jenniferalaine.wordpress.com – in case it matters, of course.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:57 am
I don’t usually wonder about size, but I do often wonder if a man is cut or not. Never really thought about *that* before my ex husband, who was uncut.
I’m always a little surprised when I happen across a guy who is smaller too… I guess I have just mostly been with bigger guys, so that is what I expect.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Oh, and that whole, “size of the boat” stuff? Totally bullshit. I mean, not to say small can’t satisfy, but there definitly something to be said for big…
June 20th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
“Every car has its garage” – I’m so glad I found my limo, reeeerr!
And yes when I meet a guy, any guy, or just cross them on the street of course I wonder what they’re packing, – just like they look at our tits and wonder what’s under there.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I’m sitting here wondering if I should even comment at all… anywho… here goes…
As a owner of a penis I’m not sure if girls are wondering about my package… and frankly I really don’t care if they are. But from a dude’s perspective (or just mine at least), I don’t think we wonder about whether a girl has a huge gaping vagg. I think guys (or again maybe just me) just wonder more about the landscaping and structure of the vagg in question. You know… whether it’s well groomed… or if she has an “outty”!
Okay, I’ve done enough damage to my reputation here. Goodbye!
June 20th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I don’t think I’ve seen enough to picture what strangers’ genitalia look like. Instead, I can’t help but imagine what strangers look like in the midst of sweaty, groany sex. Whether attractive or not, I’m sure the majority of these people have some sort of a libido and they’ve been naked and panting and gross but kinda vulnerable and beautiful in an arthouse sort of way.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I can honestly say…
I have never, ever, passed a man and wondered what his package looked like.
Ever.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I agree with Jack – I think about how they’d look while I was pinning them to
wait.
I cannot go any further with this comment because I’m about to get to descriptive.
Anyway.
Uh, I gotta go.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
i just laughed hard enough to spit a little coffee onto my keyboard. thanks.
but i officially declare this Crotch Friday in honor of this post. it totally moves exactly like the quick thoughts we ALL have when we think about these things!
June 20th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I suppose I wonder about that on occasion, but mostly I wonder more about the package as a whole. Attraction is strange… and an attractive crotch doesn’t necessarily mean everything else is attractive, and vice versa. But what I find attractive others may not, so I guess the story goes that there really is something for everyone out there. You just have to find it.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
1) Thank you for not choosing an image to go with this post.
2) I think about the body before I think about the “goods”. But then again, that’s probably because my dating history hasn’t included any terrible surprises. I’ve been lucky.
3) I feel terrible for your Mom right now should she ever find this post. HI MOM!
June 20th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
LOL, great post. And yeah, I totally do that too. Mmmm, peen.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Ha.
I do wonder.
And I haven’t seen enough of either to know if I -or he- is odd shaped or sized. Works for me.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Oh, and I have NO IDEA why you wouldn’t want your mom to read your blog. Seriously.
(And thanks for the kind words on my blog. Made my day!)
June 20th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I read the first sentence and immediately thought of the guy’s mom reading this post. Then, I couldn’t even imagine thinking about body parts because I was lost on the awkwardness of the conversation that would follow if she even mentioned this post to you.
For the record, I’m focused on the eyes first…unless tight clothing is involved…then all bets are off!
June 20th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
This was by far the dirtiest post I have ever read. And I have read posts that refer to girl parts as a hatchet wound.
That being said – I don’t just think about the girl parts – but what a girl would look like naked all the time. Being a pervert and having ADD is a dangerous combo.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I laughed the entire way through this post. you’re hilarious.
i think more about what people look like doing the deed.
their O face for example.
but for real though, people woo ha’s are like a box of chocolates…
wait for it…
you never know what you are going to get.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
honestly i think size AND the motion of the ocean are important..that’s just me though
June 20th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Jennifer – I’ve done that during meetings before and it totally backfired! But.. I work with a lotta fugly people. Oy.
Sassy – That’s another one of those things I wonder about as well.. Re: the size of the boat stuff.. yes it is. hahaha. I was trying to be nice. But on the flipside, too big? NOT COOL. That shit hurts.
Technodoll – I heart thee.
Mental360 – The landscaping, huh? Prefer things nicely trimmed, I assume? Wait. Don’t answer that.
Jack – Gah! But what if they’re fugly?! Then I get all grossed out by the idea of them bumping uglies.
Matt – Good to know. I think? Hahaha.
Apollo – PERV! Hahaha
Nico – Oh no! Wasted coffee? That’s no bueno! I do love that today has been declared Crotch Friday, though.
Phil – Yeah.. I’m just a nosy bugger. I wanna know what they’re packing whether I’d bone ‘em or not.. unless they’re super fugly. Wait. Even then I wonder. Fuck. I’m screwed.
Ben – 1) You’re welcome. But next time I will. 2) Aww, aren’t you sweet. 3) Me too! But at least I’ve warned her!!
Meghan – Peen! PEEN!! BWAHAHAHA
Ashley – Really? Not even through porn?? And LOL @ the mom comment. Me either. Also, you’re welcome!
E – I’d have to laugh if Guy’s mom read this post.
Narm – Really?! I am HONORED! And yes, that sounds like a dangerous combo.
Alexa – YAY for laughs!!
Nachi – I think you make a very valid point.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
a) yeah yeah, motion of the ocean, etc, but my first was REALLY TINY, and holy hell was that unsatisfying.
b) i also hooked up with a guy last summer who warned me beforehand that he normally needed magnum condoms. me: UH HUH. RIIIIIIIGHT. uh… except he wasn’t kidding. it was sort of problematic, it was so big.
so, uh, to sum up, i don’t know what my point is here. except: yay! penis talk!
June 20th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Midway through this post I thought “Doesn’t her mom (or someone’s mom) read this?”, but anyway…
I totally do that! I also ponder on this burning question “Wouldn’t it suck to be a black man and have a tiny, tiny little peen?”. I also wonder what people are like in bed. Am I a perv? Don’t answer that.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Thank you for saying things that I have always wondered yet never said outloud.
I though I was the only one who often found myself wondering what random mens’ wangs look like. I usually judge based on the size of their hands – which I am sure is not at all accurate.
I may be a perv.
Nonetheless, it’s hard not to wonder sometimes.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I’m going to giggle now for the rest of the day pondering douchegirl’s question.
*giggles*
You know my take on this!
June 20th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
i mean seriously who hasn’t thought that about a guy, haha.
you make me laugh.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I was going to make a joke about using my penis to type this comment. But, that would have been much too crass.
Your post deserves better, dammit.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
FYI I just had to link to you on my blog…
June 20th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
you are ridic, but yet i think about guys penis sizes all the time. i’ve never wondered about a girls vag though… i didn’t really know there was a difference…
June 20th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
This. Is. Hilarious! You know I used to think it was about the motion of the ocean too. Then I slept with someone with the tiniest dick on the planet! Honesetly, I could not even feel it. I was like are you in yet. Awful!
June 20th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
So I was in the middle of writing my second comment about peen cause apparently I have a lot to say about it when my boss came up and read over my shoulder. Now he thinks I’m a peen obsessed pervert. Meh, it was only time anyways.
Anyhooow.
Penises are like snowflakes in the sense that no two are the same. Sometimes you wanna catch one on your tongue and sometimes you look at it like “fuck. i don’t like you.”
But in the same connotation can you imagine if guys had a penis twin? Like the episode of Friends where Joey found his identical hand twin. How would you discover such an anomole and how I do wish to find out. I bet lots of actors would pay good money in Hollywood to have a stunt cock.
Anyways all this talk about penises (peni? plural?) is making me prance around the office like a cat in heat rubbing up against thing so OBVIOSLY more caffeine is in order. Cause it didn’t induce this comment in the first place.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
My mind is always in the gutter, but for some reason, I never find myself looking at a man’s crotch until we’re actually naked together.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
My boyfriend was just saying…wouldn’t it be funny if guys were treated better, for example in a store, if you could tell the size of their genitalia? Because when a hot girl with a giant rack walks into a store, she’s gonna get more attention…but a guy can’t use the size of his package to his advantage unless he’s wearing some seeeriously tight pants.
June 20th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I don’t what it is but I find myself glancing down a lot more often than I should!
June 20th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
I don’t usually wonder what people’s packages look like …
but whenever i see a couple, i imagine what they’re like having sex.
and then i puke a little bit because there’s some ugly ass couples out there!
and for the hot ones … i give them my card.
kidding.
sometimes.
June 20th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Oh I <3 you!!
June 20th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I can’t fucking wait to meet you. I have a feeling we’re going to get a long just fine.
FYI: I check out the moose knuckles every once in awhile. Why should only guys be able to objectify?
June 21st, 2008 at 6:43 am
You, lady, are the reason for vaginal rejuvenation surgery! Damn you and your judging eyes and words!
June 21st, 2008 at 8:46 am
i always look at men’s packages when i walk by them. it’s just a habit! one time i admitted this to a guy i was casually dating and he thought i was freak. but i still do it.
the other day, my co-worker was wearing pants with thin material and i could see the outline of his penis and i couldn’t stop staring!
June 21st, 2008 at 9:18 am
first, i want to say that i more often that not think about people’s packages. subways are great places for that.
second, i think maybe you should get laid soon. just a thought. it helps get penises off the brain. haha
June 21st, 2008 at 10:54 am
There is so much talk going on about the male genatalia. As I said in my last comment I am very confused on just how men measure their goods.
June 21st, 2008 at 11:09 am
Never had the penis on the brain.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:34 pm
nothing wrong with penis on the brain
just better in the mouth or vaginal orafice for me
June 21st, 2008 at 9:46 pm
I don’t usually wonder about guys unless there is a distracting bulge.
With women, I wonder only because I’m insecure and more or less it’s curiosity for comparison. Plus, there’s more to wonder about women. Like how groomed are they down there? Colours? Shapes? Sizes? With men, it’s like, there’s something phallic shaped and I don’t care if it’s groomed…in fact, I don’t want to know.
June 21st, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Oh my God, I have the giggles now like you would not believe!!
June 22nd, 2008 at 3:21 am
I’ve heard people’s vags be described as roast beef. That was enough to turn me vegetarian for a few days.
Now, I’ve noticed that tall skinny guys tend to be the most well endowed down there.
And I am reminded of a conversation I had with two friend a while ago. It dealt with a hypothetical situation where I had a gun and was fighting off a bunch of men.
Guy #1: When you get into a gunfight, aim for the largest part of the guy’s body.
Me: Which would be?
Guy #2: According to most men, their wang.
Me: ….
June 23rd, 2008 at 7:58 am
I wonder about things like this occasionally, too. I literally cannot fathom how penis size is completely un-proportionate. Isn’t everything else more or less proportionate? Like, I’m tall and am thus less likely to have size 5 feet?
Two friends of mine both hooked up with a mutual guy friend and reported to me that he has “the most perfect penis [they've] ever seen”. And since I don’t know what that means, I spent the next couple of weeks thinking of ways to seduce the guy and find out. So far no luck, but I’ll keep you posted if it happens.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:45 am
I think we’ve all been a perverted lately. All the blogs are about sex. Ha. It’s a little trend.
June 23rd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
OK, this made me gigle: [Oh, and I definitely just typed punt. Because that makes a fuckload of sense.]
June 24th, 2008 at 8:16 am
I have issues with my boss’s penis. Actually, a work colleague and I both have issues. It’s an ongoing debate about the size and girth which often leads to discussing other coworker’s packages and that often leads to us guessing how funny their sex face must be.
June 24th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Maybe I’m a prude because I’ve never think about the size of a man’s weeny. Men have weenies?
Okay, that’s sad. Seriously, it’s never occured to me. I’m more interested in what his abs and arms look like before I even think to consider his man bits. I do wonder occassionally if they’re trimmed up and tidy.