That’s been my mantra for the past week or so. As most of you know, I spilled my guts to the dude that’s had me intrigued, mystified and all out loopy for well over a year.

On the one hand, I am damn glad I got that off my chest.

On the other?

I am DAMN PISSED that he didn’t have the decency to at least say, “Hey – you know what? Shove off.”

Instead, I got a whole lotta nothing. Okay, so he said he’d “probably get to that email when he got home” but that was obviously hogwash. Yeah, he was busy. Sure, he got the death plague and landed in the hospital Sunday morning. You know what I’ve got to say about that?

Sucks to be him.

After a week of nail biting, gchatting, talking with the brother, the mother, the besties, the bloggie friends and everybody in earshot I had had enough.

Don’t ever make me wait. Ever. Especially in this day and age when I can see that you (ie: him) are online. Gotta love that “online now” indicator on Myspace and the ever so efficient AIM.

Quite frankly, if any portion of that email I sent him was something he had really wanted to hear, he would’ve gotten back to me within the first 24 hours – busy or not. Remember that lovely saying, “he’s just not that into you?” Besides, he’s an insomniac and there was at least 5 minutes to spare to say something.

Anything.

So, while I pretend like I’m not utterly offended and don’t care, I will simply rinse and repeat, “It’s fine. I’m awesome.”

I’ve also taken to shouting out loud, “I DON’T CARE!” when my inner-dialogue brings up the situation. Because that’s how the Brain of Deutlich works. It dwells. A lot. Incessantly.

I’m so over it. The dwelling, that is.

Besides, I’ve been honored with the Featured Blogger spot over at 20 Something Bloggers and that has been one of a couple things to keep me afloat this week.

I am beyond honored. I mean, I literally cried when I found out because, hello, this week sucked total ass.

I wanted to blog about it as soon as I found out, but something felt oddly disturbing about celebrating the title amidst the one-year-anniversary of the “incident.”

So, thank you to all of those who voted for me and thank you, Lisa, for bestowing me with the honor. I am seriously floored.

FLOORED.

April 16, 2007

For months, I’ve been contemplating whether I should blog about this. For the past week, I have been back and forth, up and down, left and right on the emotional Richter Scale.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of one of the most horrific ordeals I’ve ever “witnessed”.

To this day, part of me feels guilty for being so affected by it because there are entire peoples being wiped out thanks to genocide and war crimes. There are children with no food nor drinking water. There are cover ups and make believes and travesties all around the globe.

But this? This senseless slaughter of 32 people? It hurts.

It breaks my heart to this day.

I remember sitting exactly where I am now, in my cubicle at work, when my phone began to vibrate repeatedly.

“Did you hear?”

“Are you okay?”

“Omg, I can’t believe this is happening.”

“Check the news”

“Do you know what happened?”

On and on it went until I figured out what people were talking about. My friends at my Alma mater frantically informed me of the increasing death toll. My co-workers vehemently disagreed with me. The news was still only reporting one death.

It all felt oddly reminiscent of the attacks on the World Trade Center buildings and the Pentagon. Mass confusion. Mass emailing. Mass media coverage.

The question that pissed me off the hardest was, “Oh, but did you know anyone?”

It took every single ounce of self restraint not to sucker punch people in the face.

I’m sorry, but they were still in the midsts of figuring out who exactly perished. Could you, I don’t know, find some damn decency and shut the fuck up?

Because in reality?

I did know someone who died. I found out the next day from an old co-worker of mine.

And even if I hadn’t, did that somehow make it better? Did that somehow mean my feelings were less important? Did that relinquish me from being extremely hurt that this mystical place was now tarnished forever?

No. It didn’t.

It is incredibly difficult to explain the bond that Virginia Tech Hokies have. I get it. A lot of you went to universities with a tight nit community… but being a Hokie? It’s just different.

It just is.

It didn’t matter that I knew Ryan. It didn’t matter at all because he was a fellow Hokie. That’s what mattered.

I realize that we sound pompous when we say things like, “But you don’t get it. We’re Hokies. You just don’t get it.”

But it’s true.

Today and tomorrow will be an exercise in keeping my head afloat; in keeping my tears in check; in reigning in my emotions.

It’s moments like these that remind us all how precious life really is. How easy it is to extinguish. How we should not take so many things for granted.

I would explain how amazing Ryan was, but Abigail summed it up nicely in this video. No one has glamorized how great he was simply because he passed. No one. Ryan Clark really was as wonderful as people say.

First, Truth Bombs’ Spring CD Swap is in full effect. If you couldn’t tell by all the music notes on my blog – I LOVE MUSIC.

So, naturally, I had to participate. Deciding which of the options to choose kind of sucked, but I eventually went ahead with the Throwback to the 80s & 90s. Who doesn’t love a little nostalgia?

Exactly.

I’d like to mention that it was extremely hard to squish 20 years of music into one disc.

Without further adieu, here’s my tracklist:

1. Cameo – Single Life
2. Brownstone – If You Love Me
3. Zhané – Hey Mr. D.J.
4. Madonna – Lucky Star
5. Whitney Houston – I Wanna Dance With Somebody
6. Soul For Real – Candy Rain
7. Boyz II Men – I’ll Make Love To You
8. Foxy Brown – I’ll Be
9. Backstreet Boys – All I Have To Give
10. Mariah Carey – Dreamlover
11. Michael Jackson – P.Y.T.
12. Prince – When Doves Cry
13. Mariah Carey – The Roof
14. Phil Collins – In The Air Tonight
15. *NSync – I Want You Back
16. New Kids On The Block – I’ll Be Loving You (Forever)
17. Total – Can’t You See
18. Lauryn Hill – When It Hurts So Bad
19. Tony! Toni! Toné! – Feels Good
20. Mary J. Blige – Real Love

Download zip file [here]

To purchase any of the above songs, please visit Amazon.com (which is where I bought ‘em).

+++

In other news, the ever so lovely Maxie has bestowed upon me this here award:

And for once? I’m going to actually pass on the love. I’m in that kind of mood today.

1. Truth Bombs – I mean, duh. She rocks my socks. End of story.
2. Michelle & The City – Michelle’s is one of the first blogs I ever read through 20SB and I am still a loyal reader because she’s that fantastic.
3. Surviving Myself – He’s so fuckin’ hilarious I rarely have anything better to say than, “dude – you crack me the hell up.” He appreciates this. I know he does. Because I say so.
4. DMB Does Not Stand For Dave Matthews Band – Yes, this is my best friend of the last 13 years – and yes, this might be slightly biased – but she really does have a fantastic blog. So nyah.
5. Your Beard Is Good – New[er] on the scene yet absolutely awesome. I love anyone that brings me laughs. Period.
6. …and hijinks ensued – She writes superbly well without making me feel like a total idiot for NOT writing like that. I enjoy this immensely.
7. Slausin Azz Slaus – Founder of O Hell Nawl!, Slaus is outspoken, funny, smart and extremely enjoyable to read.

Frankly, I could go on for a few more hours with this but I’m assuming you already know if I love your blog. I mean, I do comment. A lot. Oh, and not for nothin’ – I give everyone on my blogroll an honorable mention. Because, yes.

I woke up with a chip on my shoulder. I know what got into me, but I’m not really in the mood to get into it here.

Either way, my grandfather picked up on it immediately. The same grandfather who is having trouble remembering the most menial of things, like which door leads to the bathroom.

It’s for this reason that the doors now hold signage. They serve as a daily reminder of how much his memory has deteriorated.

At the breakfast table, he could tell that something was totally “off” with me, reached over, rubbed my arm and said, “Schatz, wir sehen uns doch nicht so oft.”

Obviously, he is still lucid enough to understand that we live very, very far away from one another.

A little while later, he began to ramble about how the sails (think boat sails) of the house were crooked and that the worm just couldn’t fit in the hole. He repeated himself half a dozen times, and when he thought I didn’t hear him, he came closer to say it right in my ear.

I didn’t know what to say. I tried not to convey a look of confusion. I attempted not to upset him any further. It was seriously an exercise in remaining calm.

I didn’t do so well.

I often wonder if this will be the last time I see him. My grandparents aren’t particularly good at staying away from the “death talk.” It’s been a very real topic for an incredibly long time.

It makes me wicked uncomfortable.

Speaking of – I don’t cope well with things.

I don’t know when or how this happened, but I just don’t. If things get “too hot to handle” I find a reason to go on a roadtrip and leave.

If I’m upset, I like to spend money – on anything – regardless of how much my bank account protests.

I can’t deal with a whole bunch of chit-chat that has nothing to do with me. Don’t people realize I don’t give a fuck?

Moreover, don’t they realize that this actually means I take other people’s issues personally and turn into this crazy person who wants to fix everything?!

Okay, so that’s a stretch, but only in recent years. I used to take on everybody else’s problems and try to “solve” them. It got me into more trouble than it was worth.

Every. Single. Time.

So, today? I block it out.

I run from things I need to deal with. I shut people out when I’m having an especially crazy kind of day. I turn to escapism.

All the while, I’m hoping someone – anyone – will “save me” from myself.

I truly hate this.