I Don’t Do Labels
Posted by Deutlich on March 7th, 2008 | Filed under: UncategorizedThe other day, I had a mild coronary after posting about some of my sexual mishaps with both men and women. To be completely honest with you, I wasn’t exactly sure how well the overshare would be received.
So why did you post about it?
Well, because I’m blatantly honest and wide open like a book.
And really? That’s how I’ve always been. Always. I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard my mother tell me that I talk too much. In hindsight, she makes a good point. Yet somehow I’ve just always taken it 3 steps further than I should.
I think I should explain this better. I’m 100% okay with who I am and it’s taken me the majority of my life to even get to this point. And yeah, there was a very, very long period of time where I couldn’t get comfortable with the idea of being bisexual.
First and foremost, I loathe labels. Hardcore. They’re complete nonsense and you can’t put a stamp on your sexuality. You just can’t.
Secondly, I never quite understood what bisexual meant. Does it mean that I like to have sex with both genders? Does it mean I’d date both genders? Does it mean I’d get married to either?!
To this day, I still don’t really know.
I mean, to an extent I feel like I just don’t discriminate based on a person’s genitalia. Maybe I’m a big ‘ole freak? Maybe I’m a lil’ greedy? Maybe I’m an equal opportunist?
Whatever the case may be, sometimes I still have a hard time swallowing the concept of being bisexual. It’s not the act, if you will. It’s the label. I hate being typecast. I’m a round peg in a square box. I don’t want to be molded into a square peg by anyone.
I just don’t.
Moreover, the word itself makes other people squeamish and that’s the part I have the most difficulty with. I’m certainly guilty of this too. Back when I was young and dumb, I was ill prepared for handling a situation in which a female friend was either bi or lesbian. Part of this had to do with being completely freaked out by anything to do with sex until I actually started having it. I definitely didn’t like being hit on by girls, even though secretly I’d been checking them out for – oh – my whole fucking life. I know, it all seems weird and contradictory but it is what it is.
It’s because of this that I never want to make someone else feel uncomfortable. Just the same way that I don’t like smoking cigarettes around non-smokers. Just like I’d rather not harp on people for hangups they may have. Just like I don’t care to place judgment on others because in the end? Who the fuck am I? Just another Joe Schmoe tryin’ to figure shit out.
My real life friends all know who I am. All of them.
The good ones? Embraced me for who I am, patted me on the back, didn’t think twice about it and maintained the exact same relationship we had always had.
By the way, I love them. Lily, Kay and Michelle (for example) have been near and dear to my heart for an extremely long time and the fact that they love me for exactly who I am means a fuck of a lot.
The less mature ones? Called me stupid nicknames and thought it was funny to laugh at.
Let me tell you something.
It’s not.
It’s not motherfucking funny and I sure as hell don’t like being called names. Needless to say, I disengaged myself from folks like that. In the end, everyone’s allowed their opinion and who am I to get all bent out of shape about it?
Personal attacks just aren’t my thing. Walking away from that was really my only option.
So, while I can say with certainty that I’ve become pretty decent friends with a handful of you, I definitely don’t know the majority of you fabulous readers.. not more than what you blog about, at least.
And that kind of brings me to my worries. I freaked out, hardcore, because I didn’t want this bit of news to scare off those that I have made friends with. I mean, I’m legitimately planning on making a trip to Chicago. I’m meeting more bloggers tomorrow. What if this little revelation freaked them out?
I know I shouldn’t give a rats ass. I am to be accepted as who I am and It’s definitely a take it or leave it kind of deal.
Regardless, I’m only human. Sometimes, I bruise easier than I should. Moreover, I didn’t want to screw up the delicate balance of budding friendships.
I know. It’s corny.
But it’s true.
To those of you that I frantically gchatted with or e-mailed – thank you. Not only did you bring me huge smiles, you totally helped kill the nerves I had. For that matter, so did a few commenters. You know who you are… and you rock.
March 7th, 2008 at 3:18 am
Deut – you’re absolutely awesome. I can see why you might feel some freaked-out-ness, but hopefully it’s temporary.
A person’s sexuality is their own, and as you mentioned, shouldn’t be pigeon-holed.
You haven’t lost me at all! I appreciate how honest this blog is!
March 7th, 2008 at 3:22 am
well since I just moved to a new house and don’t have internet yet, I missed the whole thing. so without having read any of the other post, OR any of the comments, I’ll say this. I can support you and be on your side anyway.
if you know someone, even solely through the intertubes, and you really respect them, then no revelation should give you cause to insult, ridicule, or disrespect them. if it does, then you didn’t really know them beforehand. and you certainly didn’t value them.
I say viva la Deutlich! she opens up about what the rest of us are afraid to. and in doing so, she liberates us all a little bit with each post!
“The writer is the tour guide of the heart. If he does his job correctly, everyone tells the given story as if it were their own.”
March 7th, 2008 at 3:27 am
I’m a new reader (and I hope to get to know you more!), and it didn’t freak me out. I can appreciate realness, and it takes balls to be up front and open. I’ve tried it, and it requires a certain level of comfortableness with oneself in order to be able to do it. Even then, sometimes you’re like, “hmmm…should have had said that?” But it’s all good. You know, that whole being human thing and all.
March 7th, 2008 at 3:41 am
you, my dear are a fabulous woman. and that label, you’re going to have to stick with. i appreciate (and value, you have no idea how rare that the truth is in my life lately) your honesty. and anyone who says anything else? crazy.
and um, hi, can people plan a trip to beantown? come onnnnnn! haha.
March 7th, 2008 at 3:54 am
well you know how I feel and stuff. I come here to read whatever you publish, not because of what you say but because of how you say it, and who i’ve come to know you to be. that sentence is probably not grammatically correct but whatever.
keep doing exactly what you’re doing.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:57 am
Well according to my 5th grade sex-ed teacher, bi-sexual is being sexually attracted to both men and women…and I would assume that would mean having sex with both sexes.
Then again, bi-sexual can also just mean that you are an indecisive horny bastard that will fuck anything with a pulse.
Personally, I think the second definition would be much more fun to teach the 5th grade kiddies!
March 7th, 2008 at 4:59 am
Ha! You kick ass.
That post did prompt a reaction from me but had nothing to do with your sexuality and everything to do with how open you are and how genuine your voice is.
Labels suuuuck. Right now, I’m getting so frustrated about how the voters are sliced up into these idiotic demographics.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:59 am
It’s damn sad that some people would resort to being dickbags on YOUR site because THEY are uncomfortable with something.
You ma’am, keep on being awesome. And keep on being an equal-opportunity make-out-er. Or whatever.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:07 am
I think one of my favorite things about you is HOW unconventional you are. Every time I begin to think I know more about you, you unlayer another slice and I go, “Oh. I didn’t know that.”
You just…fascinate me. Perhaps that’s why I always look forward to reading your blog? Because I get to learn more about you? Keep it up.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:08 am
Tiff stole my comment. Even though, I’ve just started reading, I love your writing, you make me laugh AND you are extremely open and honest.
I was more freaked out about how as you said you seem attract ‘douchebags’ than anything else you said.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:53 am
If saying you don’t put limits on who you love makes someone freak out and run, then good thing they did because they aren’t worth your time.
I like to think of sexuality like colours.
) Some people are very adamant about their favourite colour (like I know many people who are just obsessed with green or purple). Then there are those who don’t have a favourite colour and don’t care. Then there are those who favor a handful of colours. I personally like rainbows. 
) In the end, most people will splatter their homes and stuff with many colours. The more colourful the better I think. The people who are afraid to expand their colour spectrum are missing out.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:54 am
I’m kind of shocked that actual friends (in real life on online) would say anything directly negative in response to your willingness to be honest and open. And I’m especially appalled that some of your friends called you names thinking it was funny. Are we in 3rd grade?
But the point is, quality people will either accept all of you without reservation or get over their own uncomfortableness to see the great person they came to care about. So you’re left with just the friends worth having!
March 7th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
squint your eyes and look closer
i’m not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i’m beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you’re going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said
both my parents taught me about good will
and i have done well by their names
just the kindness i’ve lavished on strangers
is more than i can explain
still there’s many who’ve turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
till i’d passed and left them alone
and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying past
i’m not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i’m not saying that i’m a saint
i just don’t want to live that way
no, i will never be a saint
but i will always say
squint your eyes and look closer
i’m not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i’m beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you’re starving
and eating all of the words you said
-Ani DiFranco, 32 Flavors
March 7th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
so i was totally going to write a post about how I just couldn’t come tonight b/c i’m SO offended and just write “PSYCHE!” b/c i just wanted to use the term psyche, but I decided to be nice and not give you a panic attack. lol
um… and I agree with emrlds… when are we going to boston?! we neeeeeed to go. I guess we should figure out if we get along first (but duh, we’re going to).
but about friends that don’t accept you for who you are? the suck. major. I used to be a lot more closed-minded (or is it close-minded? whatevs. you get my point) than I am now, but I would never dis my friends like that.
you rock. please tell me you have a backstreet cd in your car. cause i think we need to jam out. and i bet if we roll down the windows with that music playing we’ll attract some hotties…b/c who doesn’t love a good BSB jam.
wow, i’m a loser.
CANT WAIT TO MEET YOU TONIGHT! AHHHH
<3 MWAH!
March 7th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
i love that someone post ani. so appropriate. her song “in and out” might have been a better choice though
i’ve had the same fears as you about posting on such a topic. this is why i write about it on other people’s blogs as guest posts and don’t tell anyone:
http://exeverything.blogspot.com/2008/02/24-year-of-switch-hitter.html
now you know
March 7th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I thought it was incredibly brave and awesome for you to post those stories. And that’s b/c I think you’re awesome
March 7th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
i thought about writing a big, drawn out comment like everyone else, but that’s not really my style.
so.
my mom always said that if people don’t like you for who you are then they’re not worth knowing in the first place.
she’s a smart lady.
March 7th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Isn’t that the wonderful thing about blogs though? No one can make judgements based on anything but what you say to us. It can be as open or selective as you want. People still love you no matter what.
March 7th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
You are totally awesome! And that is just me knowing you from here. So when I actually meet you and get to actually know you I know I am going to be just as in love with you! One of my favorite quotes is from Dr. Seuss. Yeah I like Dr. Seuss SO WHAT! LOL…. It goes a little something like this. “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Believe that!
See ya tonight!
March 7th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
I thought your post about your sexual experiences was completely refreshing. Labels suck and you don’t have to put one on yourself if you don’t want to. Bisexual has always been a screwed up term anyway. I always think about sexuality as a continuum, and one can be anywhere on it they please at any given moment.
I like watching girl on girl porn but I am in a hetero relationship. What does that make me? Who cares?!
March 7th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Princess – And I thank you. Sincerely.
Will – I kind of heart you in all sorts of ways. Seriously? You’re a total sweetheart.
Kiera – I’m glad you found my spot on the web. Truly. And thank you.
Emrlds – You? Are adorable. And Boston? I have friends up there. I WILL be coming that way sometime in the near future.
Tiff – I love you. End of story. You’re awesome. AWESOME.
Diamond – You know what? That’s exactly what they should teach the 5th graders – hahahaha
Jack – Dude, you’re a rockstar. And I’m equally frustrated by the idiotic demographics. For serial.
Joy – Thanks for makin’ me giggle. And dickbags? My new favorite word.
DS – Uhm.. do I need to reiterate how much I heart thee? Because I do. I do I do I do.
Hope – And I thank you.
Um – You know what? We’re going to have an amazing time at that concert and I’m all sorts of excited I got to meet you. I also love your rainbow analogy. Love.
Sequined – You are absolutely right about that.
DMB – LILY!! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU, I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN, BUT IT DESERVES CAPS BECAUSE OMG I’M SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE!
Maxie – Us two? We’re going to have such a fuckin’ great time tonight it’s ridiculous. And the BSB music? Already planned on that. Because honestly? There are only a handful of folks that can Get Down with the music. Pun intended.
Michelle – I actually read that and thought it was pretty ballsy of you to admit, even if it was on someone else’s blog, you know? I also think you are all sorts of fabulous. So yeah. There.
Lspoon – I think you’re pretty awesome too.
Surviving – Your mom really is a smart lady.
Cassette – You know, ya’d think less people would be judgmental but I have seen some ccrraazy things. But I really appreciate your comment. Thank you.
1218 – OMG, I’m beyond excited about tonight. I can’t even freakin’ properly explain it!! And I LOVE that Dr. Seuss quote! LOVE!
March 7th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I hate labels as well, and feel like there’s no need to have them. I like to think that I don’t discriminate, either, and if one day I want to make our with a girl, and the next, it’s a boy? So be it. It shouldn’t really matter. Kudos to you for having guts.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
great read, and dont be mad, im just as open and the truth will set u free
March 7th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
1. you’re freakin’ awesome
2. posting what you did, and this…gives you wicked cojones. more than i could ever have and i admire that.
3. don’t ever let some narrow minded douchebag get you down. You know where to find me if you ever need to rant <3
March 7th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Preach on sista…. It takes most people their who lives to find out who they are and to not care what others think…
I love you and I am totally without permission adding you to links soley based on this post.
You are a rock star and honest and I LOVE me a good blog…
PS if you see a lurker here for like 2 hours that me **waves hand*** need to get caught up
March 7th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
deut – the post that you worried about turned me on, to be frank. i think you know you’d have to basically behead my mother to lose me as a reader, and to jeopardize us hanging out when YOU GET YOUR ASS TO CHICAGO.
and as a sidenote: KUDOS to the ani lyrics up there. loved that comment.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Rebecca – Hmm.. girl on girl porn. Thanks, now I’m even more distracted than before. Ha haaa. And dude, that’s exactly why I don’t do the labels thing because I have a TON of hetero girlfriends that like the girl on girl action and what? Who cares? Sex is awesome. period.
La – Thanks, dear. Seriously.
Torrance – Being open and truthful is really the only way I can go. Otherwise shit just builds up in my head.
Heidi – YOU’RE freakin’ awesome and thank you! GOOOD GRACIOUS am I stoked for tonight. SERIOUSLY! AAAH! SIA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I can’t concentrate on ANYthing at work!
Random – Aw, well welcome to my neck of the woods! And “stalk” away! Thank you for the compliment on my blog. Seriously!!
D – Uhm. You know. If you’re still single by the time I get to Chi-town, you might wanna watch out. I mean, I’m not forward. Nope. Not me. Not ever. But you’re awesome AND fuckin’ hot.. and I’m brazen. And yeah. *ahem* Sorry. Or not. Yeah. not. Did I really just say that?
Yeah. I did. HA!
March 7th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Oh shit, I just went back and read my comment from that post and realized that it could totally be misinterpreted. I wasn’t scared off at all! I couldn’t possibly care less who you love. I’m so glad you felt you could tell us. I got your back.
Ps – feel free to frantically gchat me anytime!
March 7th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
You already know what I think. We gchatted
CHICAGO!
March 7th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Massive lady balls. You has ‘em. I grew up with boys. It takes a lot to scare me off. Reading that, I wondered how many men’s heads were exploding. Pun slightly intended.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
there was a while in my blog where i played the pronoun game w/me & my girlfriend…not because i was ashamed, just because i know how people are. they make snap judgements and i wanted people to take the time to get to know me and THEN judge. but after a while, it was like…well, fuck it. i like women. no, i’m not gay. no i’m not straight. i am ME. and i am in love with my girlfriend. get over it.
ps you are awesome.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
trip to Chicago!!!
oh and about the other stuff….i had no idea about any of your past and was fascinated to read…not labeling at all…i prefer to look at the whole sexuality thing as a continuum…
and ps, i just love how honest you are (and wouldn’t want you to change it).
March 7th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Copying every other Chicago blogger: Chicago?! Yay!!!
I think you’re awesome. I love how open, honest and true you are. Eff labels and eff asshats who aren’t okay with you being you. You rock.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
The Ex – You’re a total sweetheart. Truly!
Jamie – AAAH I CAN’T WAIT! It’s going to be ROCKIN. I mean. Literally. WHOOHOO!!
Lisa – I love you for using the term “massive lady balls” AND lacing in some LOLCats. HAHA. You fuckin’ rock.
Ashley – You’re pretty damn awesome yourself. Seriously. And fuck the labels. FUCK THEM.
PB – Aw, thank you darlin! And I am TOO excited for Chi-Town. I MISS THAT CITY!
Jenn – You too, deary. You too. And yeah – fuck ‘em all! HA!
March 7th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
You are sauteed in awesomesauce.
I sincerely hope that no one got pointy or made a big deal about your honesty about trying the M’s and the F’s. So what? It’s like ordering off the menu and grabbing a nibble from the buffet.
Hang in there.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Wait a minute. I think being bisexual was cool. What did I miss?
You are all kinds of wild in all kinds of areas and categories. Why this would surprise anyone, I’m not sure, and why anyone who is still around would be offended, I’m not sure.
Frankly, you just make me regret not looking you up while I was in Chicago.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
uh, duh, should say: I *thought* being bisexual was cool.
March 7th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
These days, if anyone reacts negatively to a revelation like yours, then they’re really not worth your time. Know what I mean? While I was surprised to read that post, it doesn’t change my perception of you at all. I enjoy your writing and appreciate your honesty. Are you okay with me labeling you as AWESOME?
March 7th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Anyone who was freaked out by your brief confessional has not been really reading your blog! You are a great writer and I enjoy all your stories, all of them. Its refreshing that you can be so honest.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
This is so not fair. Why can’t I go out and party with you sexy gals? *pouts*
I love that you stay real in this world so full of PC bullshit and plastic blabla.
Bring it ON!!
March 7th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
I wish I could understand what it is about gender and sexuality that freaks people out so much. So a girl wants to have sex with a girl. I truly don’t get why that is so much more upsetting than a girl having sex with a guy. I get really worked up about this topic, and I’m proud of you for just coming out and telling it like it is with no agenda, no labels, just honesty. I find it refreshing, and I’m glad you’ve got people who “get” you and love you for who you are.
Have a GREAT time in Chicago–I love meeting blog friends
Can’t wait to hear about it!
March 7th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
And way to go for being comfortable enough in your own skin to just be you!
March 7th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
deul, you rock. and are all sorts of awesome basically. just so you know.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
I think you rock for posting that stuff!! It’s so awesome that you’re an open book, and us freaders get to know you better.
Keep it up!!
March 7th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Tell those fucks to keep up with the times. It’s 2008.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
this would never, ever bother me. of course not!
i’ve had many female crushes and always believed that while i love my men, my deepest emotional connections have been with women. i think women are funner to check out, dance with, and sometimes? even kiss. and not just drunkenly to get attention from disgusting frat boys.
please tell me when you come to chicago. FOR SERIOUS, ya heard?
i love that you put it all out there. you keep me inspired to do the same. sometimes, it’s easy to think: ok. maybe this is too much? but you know what? we’ve all gotta be comfortable with the choices we make and i’d always rather be known as someone who was too truthful, too blunt, and too outthere, than secretive, fake, or dishonest.
love you, honeypie!
March 8th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I’m with Will – I missed the original post due to well, being lazy at work and leaving my catching up til the weekend, but regardless – I read you because I like what I read, and nothing that you say will change that!
Unless you call me a butt-head, or something.
March 8th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
I missed the original post being out of the country and all, and am late to this one, but also wanted to add my voice to the chorus of “you’re so awesome!”
Going to the school(s) I did, many of my friends cannot be “labeled” – and I would never want them to be. Just like you shouldn’t feel like you should be.
March 9th, 2008 at 12:45 am
J-Money – I think sauteed in awesomesauce is my new favorite catch phrase of all time.
Verybadcat – It IS cool. Dammit. Haha!
Carrie – Oh, I know. Which is why I don’t bother with ‘em. It still stings, though. And yeah, I’m okay with Awesome. HA! Thank you!!
Passionista – Thanks, doll. And you know? You’re right.. OR they’ve just tuned in. Haha.
Technodoll – Likewise, my dear. Likewise. And I’m not good at PC anythings.. Horrible, actually.
Angela – I wish I could figure that out too. And thanks dear! It won’t be for another few months, but I’m excited anyway.
Vanessa – You’re awesome.
Katelin – YOU rock!
Lacey – I will! Promise! And thanks
So@24 – AAAHAHAHAHA. Will do.
Damsel – Ditto ditto ditto! I’ll definitely keep you posted ’bout Chi-town and I loves you too!!
Alyndabear – I will never do anything of that nature. Ever.
Z – Thanks, dear. I do appreciate it.
March 10th, 2008 at 2:09 am
Would you be coming to Chicago in June, perchance?
Coz I’m totally gonna be there!
You are a brave woman, though, my dear. The bi label is a hard one that a lot of people don’t get or make assumptions about (e.g., not fully out of the closet, just looking to turn guys on, etc, etc), so I can imagine it can be hard and invalidating at times. We love you no matter what your “label” is…
March 10th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
I don’t know what catagorizes a person as bi/staight/gay. I do know that good relationships are hard to find.
So, as long as you’re finding love and respect from someone, no matter what gender, who the f* cares.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Princess – You know… I might just have to work that schedule out. Because with you there too? That would make things, like, 10,000 times cooler. And thank you for your kind words. I need not repeat how awesome you are. I think.
Dolce – DAMN RIGHT!
February 19th, 2009 at 7:52 am
So, clearly I’m reeeeeeeally late to the party, but I just found your blog and clicked through from the link today to this post.
Can I just say–so terrific to hear from someone else who thinks the way I do about the bi/straight/gay label thing! I’m the same way: in my mind, cool people are cool people, and you shouldn’t have to define how you feel about each other or how you express it.
Yeah… labels are so 1930s