So, It’s Been 5 Years
Posted by Deutlich on February 22nd, 2008 | Filed under: UncategorizedA couple days before Valentine’s Day marked my 5th year anniversary of singledom.
That’s right, kiddies, I’ve been without a “significant other” since 2003.
Some of you, I’m sure, are scratching your heads in bewilderment while others don’t give two shits. By the way, hi! I like you folks. It’s the ones that are staring in befuddlement that kinda grate my nerves. Don’t get me wrong, we’re all allowed our opinions, but I don’t take too kindly to being typecast over my relationship status, or lack thereof.
See, I’ve never really been the dating kind, just like I was never the party kid. While everyone else was in relationships throughout high school & college, I sort’ve sat on the sidelines and watched the craziness unfold. Y’see, from the outside looking in all I really found was cheaters, liars, immaturity, fighting and trash talking. None of the aforementioned things sit well with me. Not at all. I bruise pretty easily, whether I’d like to admit to it or not. It also doesn’t help that I was hung up and madly in love with someone who didn’t deserve it. For a fuckin’ decade. By the way, him cheating on most of his girlfriends with me? That only cemented my point.
What it boils down to is simple: independence. I firmly believe in the give & take that comes along with being in a relationship. However, I’m even more firmly rooted in thinking that women should not be so utterly dependent on their men (or women) or their relationship status. I’m not looking for “my other half” I’m looking for a strong-willed and good-natured equal partner. Period. Finding that? Is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
I feel I should note that I am by no means an ugly duckling. On top of that, I have a lot to offer in a relationship – my last ex will attest to that. Oh, and I think it’s idiotic to assume only “pretty people” get dates because that’s total bullshit. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and eventually we all get wrinkly. I just think some folks may have come to a certain conclusion about my appearance and I felt the need to squash that notion.
Anyway, I watched my parents go through a tumultuous marriage for most of my life which finally ended in divorce last year. I’ve seen women allow themselves to be mistreated and it pisses me the fuck off. I’ve even read blogs where they’ve admitted to the douche-baggery they are exposed to and I just can’t see why they bother staying with them. Sometimes, I just want to shake them and yell, “DON’T LET ANY FOOL MISTREAT YOU! EVER!”
And then I wonder, is being single really that scary?
I don’t think it is. Yeah, there are times where I really wish I had someone to snuggle with whenever I want. Regular sex would be pretty fucking nice, but I don’t need to be in a relationship to bump uglies. And despite being a total prude due to my EXTREME fear of catching a STI, I’ve fucked plenty of folks over the years. And sure, I miss some of the better times I had with my ex. I just wish they’d happened with a more qualified suitor.
Really, I’m just looking for a person who is smart and witty and charming and kind and thoughtful and intelligent and funny and vulgar and appreciative and kind-hearted and everything in between. I refuse to settle. Re-fucking-fuse.
I have really high standards. They’re not unattainable, they’re just up there. I’m okay with this. I’m okay with waiting for what I really want because I have patience. I don’t feel the need to jump from one relationship to the other because there’s just too much stress involved in all that. I like to sit back and really get to learn what a person is like, assess how they treat other people, figure out how they are with their mother (because THAT is key) and go from there.
I’ll find someone eventually. I have no doubt in that.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:39 pm
I totally relate to this even though I’m on the other side of it now. I have really high standards too and I LIKE being single. That’s why I thought for the longest time that I would never get married or if I did, it would be much later in life. Then I met Torsten and damn if he wasn’t that elusive person who met every single sky-high standard I had and then some. No settling necessary. And that’s the most important thing. I’m glad you get that.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:44 pm
The thing I liked best about GDB was that it didn’t feel like he was my boyfriend. It felt like he was my partner. It’s that loss that I’m struggling with currently. Granted, he’s had his jerky moments, but I’m still going to love him no matter what.
I think it’s so important not to fill a quota, but rather, find someone who makes you feel equal-footed. Lets you know that you’re as much a part of their life as they are yours, and also, when comes future discussion, it’s not about anyone taking prededicated gender roles. I had that. I want that again someday, for both of us.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Oh, man, preach it. I also totally relate to this post. It takes me a long time to become interested in someone, and I haven’t found anyone worthy of interest in quite a long while. Therefore, the singledom. Once you’re single for a long time people start to look at you differently and it’s frustrating.
I have standards, all of which relate directly to how someone treats me. If I don’t think you are going to meet those standards, I don’t bother getting emotionally invested. It’s that simple.
I also have confidence I will meet someone who meets my standards, and beyond. I just hope that happens before all my eggs dry up because I would really like to have kids! Ha. That sort of makes me sound pathetic, like the protagonist in a horrible romantic comedy, but there it is.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Ooh! I completely concur, but from the guy’s point of view. I was single from age 16.5 to 20.5 (I celebrate half-birthdays).
I say, don’t worry about it. Anybody would be lucky to have you. But once I can figure out the proper emoticon for a promise ring, I’ll ask you to e-marry me.
•O ~O +O +O… or something like that.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:54 pm
first – that was some serious butt-kissing from pixelation.
second – I always thought that “bumping uglies” was a great phrase. so thanks for that. “Fucked plenty of folks” works too though.
February 22nd, 2008 at 7:56 pm
What’s wrong with having high standards and not settling?
You only get the love you think you deserve, so amen to staying single rather than dating any joe-schmoe for the status symbol.
My perfect man found me, but I wasn’t looking for love and if I wasn’t with him today, I would SO be alone.
Good men are as rare as teeth on a chicken, sadly. Trust me… i spent decades looking.
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:04 pm
you said “bump uglies”…. ewwww….
i love your blog layout.
/me avoiding this topic
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Sometimes I think you and I were seperated at birth.
Except for that whole you being born in Germany and me being exceptionally pasty thing. Heh.
Honestly though, I hear ya! I’ve been single for… what? Nearly a decade. Not that there haven’t been men and a bit of “dating” here and there, but nothing that ever qualified as a “relationship.” More like regular sex and lots of drinking.
Also I didn’t trust any of them further than I could throw them.
Here’s to high-standards. Settling is for quitters!
Rock on.
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Jess – I LOVE that you found someone you didn’t have to settle for. I mean, seriously? I see it all over the place, just not as frequently as I see folks settle and that’s kind of disheartening.
DS – I am absolutely positive that you’ll find that again.
Carrie – Haha, sometimes I worry it won’t happen before the whole eggs dropping thing.. then I’m like, “maybe I should freeze ‘em?”
Pixelation – Well, I’m really fuckin’ flattered. Thanks!
Surviving – first: hahaha second: fabulous!
Technodoll – I think good people are hard to come buy.. unfortunately. But they DO exist!
B2G – LOL & thanks!
Froggie – Dude, I have pasty white family members. It’s totally plausible!
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:46 pm
I was single for five years before I met my husband. During those five years I think I went out on…either three or four dates. That was it.
Of course, I’ve been with my husband for nearly nine years and can’t imagine life without him…but I remember what life was like without him, and it wasn’t that awful – it was just…different.
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
I’m so with you on this! I was also alone (but certainly not lonely, there is a difference) for 5 years. Have you ever heard of the site http://www.quirkyalone.net? It’s a movement of people who are happy not being in a relationship, not opposed to it, but don’t feel they have to have a S.O. just to bend to societal pressures and conform.
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Hey there, just found your blog recently and have to let you that I agree with you 100% and can totally relate. I was single…oh, pretty much my whole life until a couple years ago. I never considered myself ugly or unworthy of a relationship, so it’s not like the opportunity was never there…but I definitely never wanted to settle. However, I also didn’t think I had impossibly high standards. I think patience definitely pays off, though. A lot of finding “the one” comes down to timing and dumb luck, in my opinion.
There are advantages and disadvantages to being single, just as there are advantages and disadvantages to anything in life. I think you have a great attitude and can enjoy your single-ness, which is very important. People who are bitter about being single often come off as desparate, which ain’t so attractive, eh?
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:06 pm
So how much do you HATE the question “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
I just did the math, and I have been single since Fall 2003 as well! And you know what? I’m okay with that! And that’s not even a half-hearted “I’m okay with it because I have to be.” I much prefer being single… I can hook up with who I want to when I want to (as evidenced by my shenanigans last Saturday even though I’m kind of dating someone), boys are all stupid and full of drama, and I much prefer dancing with my girls than anything else on a Saturday night.
…plus, my Rabbit is the only thing that’s ever.. umm… “worked” for me.
Ladies night out, sometime soon? I promise I won’t flake this time.
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Stacy – see? patience is a good virtue!
Vanessa – Nope, hadn’t heard of it yet.
Carrie – Welcome! Glad you stopped by!
Kiki – I freakin’ HATE that question.. Like, seriously? Bite me. And I can fully understand the thing about the Rabbit.. I’d had a similar experience until fairly recently and then I was like, “oh! THAT’S what sex is supposed to be like? I’m glad someone let me in on the secret!”
And yes – ladies night out soon! For certainly!
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Seriously did I not leave a comment here?
Well the comment I was going to leave was equal parts smart and witty and charming and kind and thoughtful and intelligent and funny and vulgar and appreciative and kind-hearted.
I copy and pasted that.
I rock.
February 22nd, 2008 at 10:08 pm
I think we were separated at birth. Pretty sure of it, actually.
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Will you go out with me? Because I seriously love this post. I feel like I must be from another planet to expect this sort of equality and independence in a relationship.
The girls I talk to get all preachy about how they must be taken care of and a boy’s duties are such and such. I certainly understand showing affection and being a partner but I recoil at the crazy expectations some people have for their significant other (whether they be imaginary or real).
I don’t understand how some people can’t last more than a week as a single person. (But they are a lot of fun to tease.)
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:18 am
Oh man I totally relate to this post. I was basically single (not counting one weird sort-of bf for a couple months in HS) my entire life. I stayed single through college and enjoyed the random hook ups and guy friends and no limitations and it was amazing. I loved being single, it was amazing. Yeah it had its down sides too, but I got over it.
And now finally being in a real relationship that actually means something…I think it only means something more because I was single for so long, it’s special.
Anyhoo, I’m rambling now. Basically I love your writing. the end.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:21 am
Yup, you WILL find someone eventually – but until that person comes along, you sound like you’re doing pretty damn great by yourself! You rock for knowing what you want and holding out for it!
February 23rd, 2008 at 4:18 am
I totally relate to this as well. It’s been a little over a year since I’ve been in a relationship and, generally, I don’t date much anyway.
Sometimes I get frustrated by being single, but it’s really not so bad. Except when you WANT to be in a relationship and you aren’t. Then it kind of sucks. I, too, am selective. Picky. Refusing to settle.
I have hope for us.
February 23rd, 2008 at 4:37 am
Me too. 2003.
February 23rd, 2008 at 7:50 am
Yes. Yes. Yes. I agree with everything especially that being single is not that scary.
Its like I was telling a friend the other day while we were talking about my singledom.
I feel complete as a person and I feel like my life is complete. I just want to share that completion with someone.
February 23rd, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I completely agree with everything you just said. And I’m currently celebrating my 22nd year of being single. Sometimes I think what I’m looking for doesn’t exist, but then I think, meh, I’m ok with that.
February 23rd, 2008 at 3:50 pm
The right person comes when you are least expecting it, at least that’s my opinion.
February 23rd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Nothing wrong with being single.
) In fact I would say there are equal amounts of positive and negative things about being single or being in a relationship. Although it is better to be single than in a horrible relationship.
I didn’t date at all when I was in college, and in high school I had one boyfriend, which I tried to end after one month, but then ended seven months later. So I know all about being single.
) Although it’s funny, I think right after I finally reached the point where I had absolutely no problem with being single, that’s when I started dating my boyfriend. lol
And that is so true about ugly people dating. My friend Allison said to me once at work (at the movie theater), “I just saw a woman with a beard. A beard! And she had a man with her. Woman with beard has a man! I have no beard and no man!!”
And you are very pretty and have a lot to offer, so I think it’s fine you have high standards because it’ll take a special guy to deserve any of your time.
February 24th, 2008 at 3:58 am
i had a long comment and then my computer gave me the middle finger. summing things up – i’m with you. i get it. i can’t stop nodding my head.
February 24th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I totally relate to this. Somedays I want to have someone, but I’m not going to change myself for them OR stoop to a lower level just so I’m with someone. It’snot worth it to me. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
February 24th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
RS27 – You do rock.
Gjelly – Ha!
Jack – Sure! Why not, eh? Oh.. except for the distance thing. I think you’re on the left coast, correct? Also, yes – they really are fun to tease.
Katelin – Aw, thanks!
Z – Grazi!
Erin – There is definitely hope for us. Besides? Good things come to those who wait.
Airam – Kindred spirits!
Hope – Ditto!
Ashley – Oh, it exists. It’s just hard to find.
Unnaturally Blonde – Agreed!
Um – Thanks, dear!
Emrlds – Thanks!
Andrea – Dude, I refuse to settle. No way in hell.
February 24th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
From the little I know of you, I have no doubt you will find exactly what you are looking for in your own good time. I admire that foe’ sho’!
February 25th, 2008 at 12:27 am
Oh I can relate to this one. I think it’s all about being content and comfortable being alone, and not depending on someone else for your happiness. Being single is not scary! Amen.
February 25th, 2008 at 1:40 am
I despise the whole single = misery b.s. that our society tries to shove down our throat. As though being with yourself is such a bad thing. Having stuck it out for waaaay too long in the wrong relationship, it is amazing how often I see people who are doing the same thing, as though it is better to be stuck in that monotony than sleep alone once in a while.
February 25th, 2008 at 1:44 am
1218 – Thanks! And I’m equally sure.
Brookem – Agreed.
Princess – Precisely.
February 26th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
I really like this post.
Although I think I’m the complete opposite to you. I guess I should really hold my hand up and say “Yes, I’m one of those women you mentioned that realise how badly they get treated and kinda just live with it”. The longest I’ve probably been single between relationships is a week, and that’s since I was 15 years old. I just crave relationships, I feel like I need to be dependent on a man, I need that security.
But you know what, along the way I think I’ve failed to find myself and my own life because of this. And I think that’s what I find scary about being single.
Gosh, Im blabbering now… =]
But thank you for this post. I’ve just got out of a really crappy relationship and it is posts like this that encourage me to stop and wait for that right guy, not the next guy I find cute in a nightclub. And to spend every day before then really enjoying my life and discovering who I am without a man. x
February 26th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Kate – I think you are amazing for being so brutally honest about this. I also think you deserve to learn who it is that you are. When that happens, it’ll be so SO much easier to decide what is right and what is wrong and it’ll also make it a bunch easier to walk away from an ugly situation. You do not deserve to be mistreated. You just don’t.
February 29th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Oh my gosh I love you! This post rocked. I couldn’t help but nod along as you talked about sitting on the sidelines observing the cheating/lying/sneaking shit that happens in some relationships. I’m really not the dating kind either. I’ve always been more of the “get drunk & snog & have fun” girl. You have high standards I’m sure, but not unreasonable ones.